Back up to 6 kids and A New Type of Christmas

This year was our first time celebrating Christmas as foster parents. We knew it would look and feel different, but I never expected to see Jesus in the ways I did. As most of you know I come from a large extended family. We have always celebrated Christmas at my parents house. My mom hosts most of her 8 siblings and their families; its loud, big, full of love and so much fun. I have been so blessed by an amazing family full of laughter and joy. Christmas was always a day we looked forward to, seeing all of our cousins, aunts and uncles. As I have gotten older that hasn't changed. Every year its just as exciting to get our whole family together and by the end of the day your stomach hurts from laughing so much. Unfortunately with Robs job it has been a few Christmases that we have been required to stay home. Thankfully in the past we have had Robs family in town to celebrate together. This year was going to be different. Robs family was unable to come and we were unable to head north to Chicago so it was just going to be our immediate family. I was very sad to be missing another Christmas at "home", thankfully the Lord loves me and desires to grant me gifts that I don't deserve.

Two weeks before Christmas we got a call from a fellow foster mama friend who got a placement call for a sibling set of four. She could only accept one and really wanted to find close placement for the siblings. After calling another foster mama friend, who said they would take the baby, that left a set of two year old twins. I got off the phone, took a deep breath, and really considered if I was able to take a set of little twins. We felt pretty maxed out right now, especially for the holidays, but we also know that the Lord will open and close doors on his own. After talking to Rob we told our friends we would take the two. Before heading out I wrangled my troops into the kitchen and they circled around me and I explained there were two two year olds needing a safe place. At that moment my crew yelled "Yeah more kids!!" I looked at them a little shocked when Allie and Jake say "Mom I know its going to be more work and we will help!".  Nothing made my heart happier than to see my kids willing to sacrifice themselves even when they know it would be hard. Two hours later my crew was loaded up headed to the social services office to pick up the set of twins (at the time not knowing gender either). We arrived and Rob was already there signing the papers. The whole crew was asleep in the offices. Jake saw the two girls and doted on them from the moment he saw them, not frustrated he would be surrounded by two more girls. Long story short, we headed home, had some food, played and got ready for bed. Bedtime in foster care is always a hard time. Its a new place, normally a scary time of day, and full of tears. That night was no different. Lots of screaming, lots of tears, and lots of hugs. Once they were asleep they slept all night, which is a miracle. But I'll be honest it hasn't been an easy road with them. They are constant, and a lot of work, but I am reminded that even though the Lord calls us down a road it doesn't mean it will be easy, it is actually normally the opposite, He desires situations where we NEED Him, we have to DEPEND on Him to get through the moment. Thats how I have felt with these girls, they have tested my patience in so many ways, have had so many tears and tantrums, but I am so thankful that each day gets a little better and each day I learn how I am in need of change and growth as well.

(Coffee shop stop on our first full day together)

(Christmas Parade in town)

Christmas was just around the corner and nothing hurts my heart more than to know there are moms and dad out there missing the holidays with their children, even if they had made major mistakes in the past. Little lady M is scheduled to go home soon and my heart broke for her mom who would be spending Christmas alone, but I also knew social services was not a fan of parents coming into foster parents houses so I didn't have a lot of hope in her spending it with her children. About 5 days prior to Christmas I got a call from a women who worked for some agency I wasn't familiar with. She says "I am calling in regards to (Little Lady M's) mother. I know this is asking a lot and I understand if the answer is no, but I just had to ask. Would you mind hosting her mom on Christmas?" I stopped in my tracks, shocked at her question. I asked "Have you okayed this with social services?" "Yes, they said it was ok as longs the foster parents said it was ok. Mom hasn't been asked yet, but I wanted to make sure it was okay before asking her.". After a long conversation with her I said that we would love to host her and that it was actually a huge answer to prayer for us. I got off the phone, looked at Rob, and we both were just amazed and how the Lord moves and works without us even doing a thing. We then realized that we had a friend that just happened to be joining us for Christmas that is fluent in Spanish! Praise Jesus we can actually converse with her mom! Another answer to prayer that we hadn't even prayed! Two days pass and Little Lady M had her first visit at her moms apartment. This is where she will be moving into in just  few short weeks. We pull up and my heart is just broken. I am reminding myself and little lady M that home is a place that is full of love and safety, it doesn't matter what it looks like or what is in it. Mom is trying so hard, but just has so many obstacles fighting against her. Little lady M looks at her new apartment, which is in a very rough side of town,  and says "Oh my moms new house is just so beautiful". My heart almost burst as I was so thankful the Lord answered prayers that her home is where her mom is, despite of circumstances. After visit I had the translator ask mom if we could come pick her up to spend Christmas at our house, she thankfully said yes. I also noticed after visit that her two older sisters had nits all in their hair (aka lice) and I knew they would be coming over the following day (christmas eve) to spend the night. Deep breath, remember satan will do everything to not have us all together. 

(enjoying a movie together)

Christmas eve I went and picked up the sisters, brought them back, treated their hair and spent the next 4 hours picking nits out of their hair before church as I prayed that we would stay clear of lice in our home! (which as of a week later we have!) Rob, myself and the 8 kids headed to Christmas Eve service together. The kids did amazing at service and we got to worship together as we celebrated this amazing gift of Jesus. After service we headed home, enjoyed a meal together (cooked by Rob!) and got in jammies. The kids all came around together and Rob read the Night Before Christmas. Something about the sweetness of children on Christmas... I just love it. The crew headed to bed dreaming of the sweet next day. My girlfriend Tori, whose husband was deployed, decided to come spend the night so she could spend christmas morning with us. We turned on some christmas movies and wrapped away. We have been so blessed by family and friends who sent so many sweet gifts to each one of our kids. 

The next morning they all woke up at 8, waited on the stairs for everyone else to get up. The kids all came down to see the magic of Christmas morning. The sweetness of it is just hard to picture. They all sat as we passed out stockings and giggled and smiled through the whole thing. Throughout the morning each kiddo took turns opening gifts. We took a break, made some brunch and then opened a few more. My other girlfriend Elizabeth, who was the one fluent in Spanish (whose husband went out of town, yet she had to stay back to work), arrived to see the kids open their gifts and spend Christmas with us. We finished opening gifts and I looked at Rob and just smiled saying the only way to describe the morning was gracious. The kids were all so gracious as they each opened a gift and as others opened their gifts. They acted as if each gift was the best ever and that each others was the best ever. I was so thankful to see their gracious and thankful hearts realizing how much a gift it was for others to give them presents. They were all amazed at how many people wanted to give them gifts. 

At noon Elizabeth and I headed out to pick up Little Lady M's mom. We arrived back home and all the girls were so excited she was there. She was able to see where Little Lady M has been living, where she sleeps, and how she is at our home. We sat on the porch, watched the kids play, and were able to chat (via Elizabeth). About an hour later Baby Nate came with his mom and grandma. I was so glad they wanted to come spend Christmas with us since they have become family to us, and the kids are always so happy when they come. (probably because they are spoiled by them!)

(he is getting so big!!!)

It was also a blessing because Little Lady M's mom recognized Nate from when I would take him to visits. She got to see my relationship with his mom and grandma and that we desired a relationship past the time little lady M returned home. Another huge answer to prayer. We enjoyed a dinner together and were able to sit on the couch and talk. Elizabeth had a chance to explain Maia moms to her and the different resources we would love to help her get. She seemed very willing to try and see what would work. We were able to set up a time that I could pick her up and bring her to the offices to see how it might work. By about 6 o'clock we started to wrap things up. Elizabeth brought Little Lady M's mom home and I drove the sisters home. Nate and family got to stick around a little longer to hang out.

(the whole Christmas gang, hard to take a picture with everyone)

I got home, Rob and I put the kids to bed and we sat fell down on the couch. Don't get me wrong we were exhausted, it was a long few days, but we just were amazed at how many times Jesus showed up, answered prayers and worked without any of our help. He did things we didn't even know would be possible. This Christmas looked so different than any other Christmas, but it was more than we could have hoped or prayed for. God is so good to know I would have been so sad being away from family so He filled it with Himself and these new amazing people we call family now. A year ago if anyone would have told me what this Christmas would look like I would have never believed it and thought it was a little crazy, okay a lot crazy, but that night when laying in bed my heart was so full of Joy knowing that is exactly what Christmas is supposed to be about. Family, joy, love, restoration, healing, and Jesus. This Christmas showed us that we can have plans, ones that are great, but God can do things without even one phone call from us, once request, He knows that is best and for that I am so thankful. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas, full of Joy and Jesus.

Sink or Float

         1/3 of all foster children that return home unfortunately go back into the system within a few years. This fact breaks my heart. I hate to think that one out of three of my foster kiddos will return into this heartbreaking world of foster care. There has to be a way to change that number. I believe one of the major things to help is support for families. Most of the families are single moms.  A lot of those single moms are ones that had to leave a rough situation to start on their own two feet in order to get their kids back. The system asks these moms to leave their "bad situations" with their husbands/boyfriends, find a new place to live, a job and to support themselves. Once they do those things they put their kids into the mix and ask them to survive with no help or support. To me we are asking those women to return to bad situations just to survive.

Since arriving in Charleston we have had the blessing of being introduced to an organization called Maia Moms. The Lord is always amazing in how He works. We got introduced to them before being fully involved in foster care. Little did we know we would be heavily relying on their amazing ministry to help moms that are in our lives through foster care. As we process Little Lady M to go home I know her mom is trying her best, she is doing everything she is able. She has found a job and a place to live. Unfortunately with little funds and no family/support she is in a very rough area in a very small one bedroom apartment for her and three girls. After speaking to the social worker today she was in tears after leaving moms home because of the area she lives in and how small the quarters. She said "I'm just so sad, but she is doing the best she can". I just imagine throwing three girls into her mix in three weeks and asking her to float. It just doesn't make sense to me. Every ounce of me doesn't want Little Lady M to be a part of that 1/3 of kids, I also don't want her mom to run to a rough man to help support her, but puts her kids in harm. Thats where I hope Maia Moms may come in. Maia Moms is a faith based program that brings in single moms that are desperately trying to get back on their feet again. Its a year program that subsidizes housing, helps with daycare and helps them through school and find a better job. In this program the moms are required to do a life skills class twice a month, meet with a financial advisor once a month, have a mentor for the year and be involved in different classes they offer. It is a year of support and help. A year to get the mom back on their feet, help them save a small nest egg to afford a better place to live, to have them get through some schooling to better their opportunities and to help get a better paying job. I have been so encouraged to be a part of this organization since being here. I have been amazed watching the women leading it and the care and love that they pour into each mom. I truly think the Lord is going to use it for amazing things in this city. I also think it is an answer to a lot of DSS moms. AA is a support program for alcoholics, Domestic Violence has support groups, drug rehabs offer support groups, but there are no support groups just for single moms that are having a really hard year or few years and just need help to get back up again. A lot of times these women don't just need money because most don't know what to do with the money, most of the women need a community to stand beside them and walk the road with them, give them a hand, encourage and love on them when the road gets bumpy and then celebrate the victories.

So I left the conversation with the social worker today heavy hearted. Heavy hearted for a mom who shares a love for this little girl that lights up a room, but the mom is in a rough spot. I don't want this mom to sink, I truly want her to float and to do it well. I called over to the head of Maia moms asking what I should do. Also asking if her mom happens to want to apply to the program, would it be possible. She said yes if she wants to do some schooling, but there isn't an opening till March unless there is people to sponsor. I then asked what it takes to sponsor a mom. She said it takes $400 a month for the year. The sponsor/sponsors get to know who the mom is and how exactly money is being used. I was amazed that the sponsorship is only $400 a month because I know how great the program is for the moms, I have seen and felt it. I know many people are often trying to find ways to help or give, but want to know how and where money is being used. This program is small yet mighty. The Lord is already starting something here and I am excited to see how it is being used. If you feel led to give I would be more than happy to answer any questions. My prayer is that I can get a team together that wants to support Little Lady M's mom for the year. $400 a month is often too much for one person, but if I get a team of 4-6 people together we can help support her through this year. I don't know if this is even possible, because I don't know if she wants to do it, but I hope to have people praying that her heart desires the support and love through this year that is a head of her. Their website is http://maiamoms.org
I would love to use Maia Moms in the future when I see moms who are really trying their best for their kids, but just need a little support. I would love to give them a year of help, but I can't do it without more help from people wanting to support and sponsor this program.

Please pray that Little Lady M's mom and I are able to communicate better since she only speaks Spanish and that she sees that I truly love her daughter and want to help in any way that I can. Thank you for your constant support and prayers for my family. This year has been one of the hardest and heaviest years of our marriage, but we have grown more this year than any other. We are blessed to have so many around us loving and praying for us. Truly thankful.

Lets help these moms float.

Preparation

Your deep brown eyes that can soften any heart

Your beautiful curls that flow down your back

Your unwavering love for your family

Your eyes that see beauty in everything 

Your snuggles in the morning

Your sweet "I love you's" throughout the day

Your innocent prayers at night

You have taught me, stretched me, and loved me more than I could have ever imagined. 

Little beautiful one you are deeply loved, now and forever. 

How do you prepare a 3 year old to leave the place she has called home and has been deeply loved to move into her new home and new environment that she doesn't fully remember. To be back with her mom who we have prayed for each night and yet has only seen her 2 times a month for an hour each, to move with a mom who now speaks a language she no longer understands, to a place that I can't protect her in, a place she imagines much different than it will be. We talk often of when she will return home. We speak of a time when her mom finds a place that is safe and will know how to keep her safe. But I can't make promises. I can't promise her safety or that I can come get her when she is wishing I would. I can't promise everything is going to be ok because I'm not confident it will be. I can't promise she will be able to come back here to play, that she will see Allie, Jake or Izzie again.  This journey involves so much fear. Every step of the unknown involves fear. Last Sunday at church I was encouraged in the sermon that even the disciples that walked alongside of Jesus often had fear or were terrified. I'd like to think if I personally saw the miracles Jesus did I would step in faith confidently knowing He would always be there, but I know I wouldn't because I am no better than the disciples, who when they saw Jesus walk on the water were terrified. So now I can come before Him being honest in my fears because I know what His response will always be. It is the same as it was for the disciples hundreds of years ago, "Take courage, It is I, do not be afraid". As I look into Little Lady M's eyes I can't help but have these verses come to mind;

35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,[f] you were doing it to me!’(matthew 25:35-40)

It is He. He is behind those deep brown eyes and He is the one that moves and protects. So, yes, I can confidently say to her through these next 30 days she is with us that I promise Jesus will be with her always. In the dark nights when she is afraid, in the moments of not knowing what is next, He is with her. I pray now that the truth and promises we have poured into her, the nightly prayers I hear her heart pray will go with her, will comfort her in those times where I know fear will be gripping her heart. 

This Advent has special meaning this year. Each day we read about a new promise or a new characteristic of who Christ is and I get to hear my eldest have a deep understanding of Him, to the others who have the sweetest childlike faith of who Jesus is to them. The joy in their eyes brings excitement to this season as we prepare for the birth of the most amazing baby of all who brings the biggest promise with Him. 

Join our family as we pray over Little Lady M in these next 30 days. That her heart would be prepared, her mom would be prepared and that satans grip on these families would be loosened. Jesus came to overcome and I will be praying that over her daily. 

Not a new book, just a new chapter.

9 Months one week our sweet baby N was in our care full time. We had the joy of moving his mama into a new place and to welcome them back together as a family. I have a hard time sitting here and expressing my emotions and feelings that go behind it all. It truly has been amazing to see the Lords timing in the whole process. It is a constant reminder to me that He has it all in His hands and He knows what is best, even when I don't understand it. God knew that this would be our first big goodbye and He knew what my family could handle. Thankfully He provides and this transition isn't like a normal foster care transition. A "normal" transition is one that the social worker picks up the child and brings them home and you don't get to see them again. Thankfully this one is much different. His mama has become a part of our family as has he so we are an open door for them always. He spends the night when she has to work, comes and plays when she needs a babysitter and a helping hand as a family is. So this goodbye was not goodbye, but just a transition into a new chapter of life. This picture is one I have waited 9 months to take.

The first night he was gone I couldn't help but worry. Just because the court system says you no longer are acting parent doesn't mean your heart doesn't worry as a mother should. I found myself laying in bed with tears down my face, praying for him and his mama, that he would know he is loved and that the family he as always called his own loves him deeply. This foster care life is one that is hard to understand, especially when you love so deeply. Our hearts aren't built to love as our own and to let go, but this journey isn't about me. Its about these children that just need to be loved and know that they are loved. So we will take the pain for them.

10 months ago when we started this journey I never thought the Lord would have brought us to this place. So many prayers were answered throughout the months. So much pain was experienced, but an equal amount of joy was there as well. One of the most amazing things that happened was exactly one day after moving Baby N into his new home with his mama I had the blessing of standing on stage with both of them at church telling a part of our story. Some stories are just meant to be told and I believe that this one is one of them. Last sunday was Orphan Sunday, it is a sunday to raise awareness about the orphans around our world. We told our story about how the Lord brought Rob and I on this journey and never expected it to take this turn. Baby N's mom even spoke out on the difference having a supportive family along side of her in this journey. Our heart for reunification was grown to the max. From the first moment of meeting his mom I knew why the Lord called us here. We had the blessing to share and encourage others to step up and fill in the gap of foster care. Here in this county I live in there are only 60 foster parents and over 300 kids in foster care. Out of those 60 there are only a handful that are in it truly for the families and the kiddos. Those numbers just kill my heart. My prayer is that families step up and realize the crisis that is in their back yard and realize that these sweet kiddos are worth the fight. I'm thankful now that we can tell our story, this story that isn't over yet and will be full of pain and bumps, but this one ended in reunification. I know not all of the foster kiddos that are in my home will end this way, but even for just this one family it was worth it. So now baby N's mom is excited to share our story as well. So for the 400,000 kids in our country in foster care we will share our story as often as we can.

Yes Ma'am. November 1st.

"Foster Mom, do you agree with these recommendations?" These words were what we had been praying for 8 months to hear from the judge. Do I recommend that Baby N be returned to his mom? Do I agree she is fit and ready? I stood there in front of the judge my lips speaking "Yes Ma'am" so firmly, yet my heart was weeping cries of uncertainty and of sadness. This is the journey we stepped into. The journey we knew we were called to do. I wish I could say following where the Lord leads you is easy. I wish I could say you will always be confident in what you do. I wish I could say you would never doubt or have fear. Unfortunately the road is often full of so many emotions, doubt, fear, hurt, and heartache. I have never experienced such heartache and sadness than I have over the last few months. This world is is full of darkness and sadness we can't deny that. If we go about our days acting as if everything is wonderful we sacrifice something. We sacrifice children knowing that they are loved, worthy and needed. We sacrifice moms who are hurting and abused just looking for someone to support them through some of the hardest times of their lives. We sacrifice our own children knowing what it is like to be selfless and sacrifice their own comfort for the sake of another. We sacrifice families; both our own and the hurting around us.

I sat down back in the pew in the court room listening to every party agree that baby N will return to his mothers care on November 1st. He will return just 1 week after turning 9 months, 9 months after placing him in our car on that cold January day. I have never experienced such joy and also such sadness all at the same time. We have fought hard, spent hours crying and praying, spent hours telling his mom she is strong and worthy of being his mom. Days, weeks, months pleading that Jesus would win in this family. That He would heal broken hearts. I wish I could say the healing has happened, it hasn't. I wish I could say I know without a doubt that everything will be okay, but I can't. But as I am learning life has no certainties, we have no idea what tomorrow entails yet we are called not to worry. Do not worry about our life, we are called to trust. So I will trust that God loves baby N more than I could ever feel and He will go before me.

We stepped out of the court room and all smile at one another, we hug and speak words of excitement and joy that the end is near, the goal has been reached. I look at Baby N's mom, smile and tell her she did it, she finished and he is finally going home. How is it that peace and fear can stand side by side?

There are so many praises to speak of, so many moments that Jesus was so present I can only be amazed, so many nights that I felt peace that overwhelmed me, so many conversations that spoke of Jesus' forgiveness and love, so many times that I walked away thinking Jesus was in our midst guiding and directing. Yet even in the times of praise there were moments of heartache, weeping, fear, and deep sadness. There is a constant need for Jesus, and for that I am so thankful, thankful that I finally feel a time in my life that I can not move one moment without Him. I can not understand this life, this journey without His hand guiding me. I NEED Him. If I didn't have Him I could not step this deep into this journey without breaking to pieces.

So it leaves us with two weeks. Two weeks to prepare our hearts to say goodbye. I am so thankful that baby N will continue in our lives. We have woven our lives so closely to his mom that I know without a doubt that he will still be playing in our living room from time to time. I will still get to squeeze his body and pray over him as he sleeps. I am so thankful that this goodbye is not forever.

Celebrating birthdays I never expected and first mommy's.

Yesterday was another first for me. I sound like a new mom. I sometimes feel like a new mom. All of these firsts are new and different. Just like anything new sometimes they are amazingly beautiful and sometimes they are a painful learning process. We have had a lot of painful ones lately, but thankfully yesterday was amazingly beautiful. We had baby N's mom over to celebrate her 21st birthday.  To say my kids were excited would be an understatement. They asked about 100 times that day when she was coming so we could celebrate. All the kids made cards for her and helped set everything up. I love watching kids excited to see someone else turn a year older. In their childlike hearts they see a new year as exciting, unchartered territory, a chance to be something different as they are a new number year. Unfortunately as we have gotten older we see turning a new year as a negative thing, as getting old or aging, as just a day like every other day and we fail to see it as a beautiful thing. Watching the joy in my children's eyes I wanted and hoped her 21st year would be a beautiful thing. It would be a year full of all His fullness of joy, peace and love. I want her to kick 20 in its tail and welcome the newness of 21.
She came over and we sang happy birthday, she blew out candles, we enjoyed some cake, and the kids gave her our cards and presents. We then went out and enjoyed a dinner together with the whole gang.

If you were to tell me when we purchased our kitchen table that one day we would be sitting around it with my 3 beautiful biological kiddos, 2 amazing foster kiddos and a beautiful birth mom I would have laughed and told you it wasn't possible because birth moms aren't allowed at foster parents houses. Well a lesson in what's possible with The Lord, nothing is impossible so don't limit what He can do.
"Lord you're bigger than my wildest imaginations so I will pray for big things. Things that only you can do. You have already worked in incredible ways this year so I pray you will finish what you have already started. I pray that this young woman would see her worth in You. She would know that she is greatly loved by a God whose love is perfect and that overflows. I pray that her 21st year is full of your Joy, Your love, Your peace, Your comfort, Your fulfilling and just You. Overwhelm this relationship so that it is so apparent that You are in control. Thank you for moving and molding every moment in your hands."

Little lady  M has been with us for 5 months now. It has definitely been a learning process with her. She has grown in leaps and bounds in the last 5 months and I love to watch it. We have poured over her daily with prayer, love, and snuggles in hopes she would know what love should look at feel like. Over the last few weeks she has started to tell me how much she loves me. Probably every hour she tells me she loves me and asks me if I love her. She is definitely processing this confusing world around her, but has started to see specks of our love and hopefully more importantly Gods love. I know her mom loves her so much and we speak of her love often but I also know in her family love wasn't always shown in a healthy manner so I want her to know what love it supposed to look and feel like. After a few months I think she has started to understand it. Love doesn't hurt, it isn't painful, love is kind, love is comfort, love is peace. So as we go throughout out day she will often stop and say "I love you so much, do you love me? " I look down at her beautiful brown eyes and bend down kiss her cheek and say "yes beautiful girl, I love you so much." Her response is often, "why? Why do you love me?" At first I stopped and wondered how to answer that question. It's true, I have loved her since she walked in our door. She didn't earn it. She did nothing for it. It probably doesn't make sense to her. I just love her. "Because God loves you first and He has given me a love for you. So now my heart loves you so much." She quickly smiles and runs to play the next thing. There I look and I see Jesus. I see His love that is greater than the world can explain. I see Jesus in a little 3 year old girl with beautiful brown eyes and long beautiful hair reminding me that yes Jesus just loves me. I did nothing and can do nothing to earn it. He just loves me unconditionally.

Little lady M was sitting at the table this week and she's says to me. "Can Allie and Izzie be my sisters and Jake be my brother? So then I have lots of sisters and one brother?" "Sure sweetheart we are family and they can definitely be called your brother and sisters." "Oh ok!" She pauses thinks for a second, "Can I call you mommy? I have a mommy, but can I call you mommy too." I look at her sweet face and smile, " yes love, a mommy can be anyone who is caring for you. If you want to call me mommy that is always ok". She smiles, hops off her chair, kisses me on my cheek, "ok mommy!" she says, and runs to play. She still mostly calls me miss Lindsey and then sometimes smiles and calls me mommy. This is definitely new territory, but it is beautiful. It is a journey full of bumps and sometimes huge mountains but then in a moment the sun rises, you look behind you and see His light and the mountains are no longer defined by pain but by beauty.

Feed the hungry,

and help those in trouble.

Then your light will shine out from the darkness,

and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.

isaiah 58:10

God is on the move.

As most of you know today was a morning I was not looking forward to. Courts and review boards are hard, I never know what to expect and what opinions others are going to have about the case that I feel so passionate about. Many court dates so far have been really discouraging and hard. I leave with a very heavy heart, but I truly have always felt like God is in control and I am not. Today was one of those days that I felt God shine through in really incredible ways. Foster care is a roller coaster ride, but as is life. There are peaks and valleys always. Today we had a peak. The courthouse is always intimidating. You sit in a hallway with all the other people waiting for their hearings. While in the hallway everyone involved in your case talk to each other trying to come to an agreement. Most of the time foster parents are not involved or even asked. I have learned that when you make yourself involved as a foster parent everyone else involved actually asks for your opinion. At the courthouse there is DSS Attorney, DSS case Worker, Guardian Et Litem Lawyer, the Guardian Et litem, Mom, Mom's lawyer and myself. We spend an hour discussing what we think should or should not happen. Emotions are high. There is this amazing program here in Charleston called Maia Moms. It is a single moms program set up for moms that are trying to get on their feet again. I love their purpose and their passion and heart for single moms. It is a faith based program, which in my mind is even better.  It truly is an amazing program. I have been encouraging this program for N's mom just because I love it so much. The head of the program really does believe in N's mom and wants to see her succeed. Today I had a chance to introduce Maia moms to DSS and they loved everything about it. I had a chance to give what I thought would be best for this little boy that has taken my heart. God opened some amazing doors and DSS loved it. We went into the courtroom where the DSS attorney presents to the judge their hopes and plans for the future. One of my favorite things being involved in Foster Care is watching people respond to the way Rob and I believe God has called us to foster care. Sadly enough the expectations of foster parents are to be day care providers and to not be involved in any way. My problem is that if they are asking me to treat these children as my own then yes I will be at court, I will be asking questions, I will be at visits. I don't want some random person bringing them to and from visits or not knowing what was decided in court. Today at court the Attorney says to the judge "Mom and Foster mom have a unique relationship. The foster mom is actually very supportive of the mom, involved and helping her. DSS is very happy about it." I love to shock people with how we are called to love and I pray Jesus will shine through in the end. So court came to and end and I loved to hear the words from DSS spoken "We are pushing for reunification". Those words never sounded so good. After hearing termination in the past it was such a blessing to hear reunification. Sometimes it feels like baby steps, but today it was a step in the direction we have been praying for. I truly felt the Lords peace in the whole thing, that He was reminding me time and time again its in His time not mine. Wait.

I hopped in the car and raced over to DSS to little lady M's Review Board. It is never easy to sit around a table and hear them read the child's case, what has happened that has caused them to be in care and what their hopes are for the future. My heart breaks as I listen, but I can't help but look over to her mom and wonder what she thinks as all these people aren't speaking her language and the translator is trying to keep up. It breaks for this woman who is so lost in this broken system trying to figure out how it works and how she can get her girls back. As she processes mistakes she has made and trying to know how to change for the future. This case is so hard because I can't speak with her very well so its hard to know her heart in the whole thing. So I pray. I pray that He will fill the gaps that I don't understand. The board again states how glad they are to see a foster parent that is involved in the child's life and it just breaks my heart that this is not the norm. Oh how my heart longs to see this as the rule and not the exception because these kids deserve better, they deserve families that love them with their whole heart even when it is destined to break in the end. They deserve love that doesn't hold back. These kids need to feel like someone is fighting for them because they are worth it.

I sit here and look at these precious lives sitting around me. Two sweet foster kiddos that have two very different cases and situations but two kiddos that need my love, my husbands love, my kids love, and most of all Jesus' love. Thank you dear friends for your prayers they were greatly felt and I truly feel like God is doing some amazing things around here. Its hard and it hurts, but it is so worth it.

Our past does not need to define us.

This year is definitely a year of firsts. I knew as we started 2014 with our first foster baby girl that it would be a year of new experiences, stretching, growing and learning. Today was another first. In the state of South Carolina every 6 months a child is in care they do what is called a Foster Care Review Board. Honestly when I showed up I had no idea what would go on during this review. I just knew I was asked to attend so I went. 

I showed up at the requested time and got escorted back to a very small room with a large table and probably 13 people sitting around it. The board has baby N's file in front of them and has read it front to back. Throughout the meeting they get everyones opinion on the case, what we have seen, what we know, what type of mom we think she is, what we think should happen. Because of confidentiality I can't discuss her case, but I can say that on paper she has come from a rough history. They asked me what I thought and my experience of her and baby N. I got to speak up for who I believe she is becoming and the mom she is to baby N. The fact that she is always there, very consistent, loves her son and is doing everything in her power to get him back. I see a heart of a mom who longs to be with her son, someone who has made mistakes, but is desperate to make better choices. Someone who goes out of her comfort zone so that she can do what is best for him. After about an hour we are asked to leave as they discuss the case. After 20-30 min we are pulled back into the room and thats when we got the blow. The board has 1/3 say in the case, DSS has 1/3, and guardian et litem has 1/3 then the judge has the final say. They look at us and say yes she is doing all she can and making all the right steps, but we just can't get past her past, because of that Termination is their recommendation. They look at her and say keep working though because it can change and the other groups can recommend something different. Heaviness filled my heart.  As I sat there listening to these people discuss who she was years ago, mistakes she made, fears they have yet not knowing her at all, never spending one moment with her or baby N, all I could think about is standing before the Lord with all of my own garbage written on paper, all my prideful, jealous, mean, selfish thoughts and actions written on paper. The Lord reading everything out loud for me to hear, my heart breaking at my sinfulness knowing what I deserve for it and feeling like that is what defines me. But Amazingly the Lord looks at me and reminds me that because of Jesus those things do not define me, the only thing that defines me is Jesus. Jesus came to die so that I am not defined by my mistakes, I am given a do over and whats even more amazing is He is there to guide me during my do over. Today baby N's mom was defined by her past, but I know she is not defined by that and I pray that one day she can see and know that she is defined by something greater, that Someone sees her as a beautiful creation capable of wonderful things. Now I pray she continues to step forward in midst of discouragement and continues to fight because this sweet baby next to me is worth it and he needs her. 

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
    because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
    blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt.
    Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion;
    it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
    I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
    and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—
    yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb,
    teaching me wisdom even there.

7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
    you have broken me—
    now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
    Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
    Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
    and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.

13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
    and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
    then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
    that my mouth may praise you.

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
    You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

Revolving doors... and never knowing the end..

Our front door often is a revolving door around here. Since mid May we have had people in and out. Starting with Robs family arriving mid may leaving end June, our family friends daughter from Belgium flew in from Japan for two weeks, and Robs Aunt and cousin came in to look at a college for a long weekend. I'm pretty sure our neighbors think we are crazy. I actually love having visitors. Since I know I won't be traveling anywhere with the whole family for awhile I love that people come to us. I love to have people join us in our crazy life and my children see the amazing blessing of family and community that love on us so well. One of my prayers for Little Lady M is that she can see a family that is full of love, laughter and Jesus. That our family has its struggles and mess ups but we rely on Gods grace, forgiveness and strength in every moment of the day. I am thankful that the people around us help display to her the same thing.

Its so crazy that we are in mid summer already. I feel like life is flashing by in a blink of an eye. We have had some great family moments. I love to watch Little Lady M experience new things so far this summer some of those are; swimming, fireworks (sparklers), splash parks, the beach/ocean, new friends, and so many more. She has adapted amazingly well. Its hard to even describe how amazing it has been. Nothing can truly describe watching someone experience something new and amazing. Watching her eyes light up and watching her trying to find words of excitement is just truly the best.  She is becoming such a funny, sweet, loving little girl that just fits our family. Don't get me wrong we still have moments that she is 3 years old, but overall she is just such a tenderhearted fun loving little girl. We don't know what even the next month holds let alone how long she will be with us so for the time being we will soak up her beautiful brown eyes, laughter and snuggles as much as we can.


Speaking of how long we will have her...
Probably the number one question I get when people meet our family and our foster kiddos is 'how long will you have them?'  and I think its the hardest to understand or explain. Truly we have no idea how long we will have each child. I would have put bets that Baby N would have been back home with his mama 2 months ago, yet here he is asleep in the bassinet next to my bed. I know so little about Little Lady M's case that I literally have no idea how long she will be here, it could be one more month or it could be 8 more months. I think that is one of the hardest parts about foster care, you have no date, no end, and it is what requires so much faith that the Lord has it all in His perfect hands. I think sometimes as parents we are just waiting for the next stage to hit with our children or that we feel like we can't wait for or wait to get out of,.... for our kids to walk, for them to be independent, for them to be out of the tantrum stage, for them to.... you finish the sentence. What foster care has done for me is to realize that I don't know how much longer I will get to hug and love on them so I need to take each day as my last.      
  Yes there are many days that I forget, days that I fail, days that I'm so glad are over, days that it takes so much to get through the minute, but I have been truly challenged that these days our numbered. Not only are they numbered with my foster kiddos, but they are numbered with my biological kiddos. One day I will look into the eyes and say goodbye as they leave my home. I don't want to miss it... miss their craziness... miss their silliness... miss their learning moments. I sometimes get to the end of the day and wonder if I even stopped to truly see them, be silly with them, read to them, snuggle them, pray over them. In our family, this family won't be here forever, at least this family of 7 won't be.. I won't get to see Little Lady M and Izzie coming down the stairs in their silliest dress up clothes giggling at each other, or coming into my living room watching Jake sing songs to baby N, or walking upstairs and seeing Allie reading books to the other 3. These are the beautiful moments. These are the moments I can't miss, because these are the moments that make my family and get me through the hard moments, the moments that I say to myself I can't do it, its too hard, my heart can't handle it. So no I don't know how long these precious children will be in our family and to be honest I think its best I don't because this way requires big faith, huge trust and always trying to see each day in its beauty cause it may be the last.

Back to life as a family of 7 and upcoming changes

Sorry I have slacked on blogging lately. It isn't from lack of desire or things to discuss just lack of time to sit and really truly think on what to write. As I sit here in my favorite coffee shop, honey latte next to me, computer on my lap, no little kiddies around me (thank you in laws and sister in laws for letting me sneak away) I am overwhelmed with the last 4 weeks. Overwhelmed with changes, growth, and joys.
- Baby K moved to my friends house after they were finally foster care approved, 2 weeks after being at our home.
- Little Lady K has learned an unreal amount of English. She can understand about 75% of it and speaks a decent amount. We don't know how long she will be with us. We don't even have a court date until September and it can be months after that so we are settling in with her.
- Baby N's is about to turn 5 months, which means he has almost been with us for 5 months. His mom is still working her program and doing great so hopefully he will be transitioning to her by end of June beginning of July.
- Allie, Jake and Izzie are growing in such incredible ways. I have seen their character build more in the last couple months then it has the rest of their young lives. I love to watch them serve and love on their for now brothers and sisters. Jake is just the sweetest with Baby N. I often times find him singing to him, or playing with him in the living room, making up the sweetest songs and just loving on him. Izzie has grown up so much and I have loved to watch her turn into the little lady she is. Allie is my little servant who loves hard. She has learned the signs of me being stressed and in those moments will ask "mom how can I help right now". It just makes my heart so happy to see my children looking outward at the people around them. Rob and I continue to pray that the Lord instills that in their hearts, to not focus on themselves, but what is going on in the peoples world around them.

Life is definitely moving at warp speed right now so we are trying to make sure it doesn't pass us in a blink of an eye. As I said Baby N will hopefully be transitioning back to his mom soon. We had court earlier this month and the Judge said we don't need to return, but just wait on her program to finish and baby N can transition home. This is what we have prayed for for the last 5 months. I have grown to love his mom and am so thankful for that relationship the Lord has given me. I know full well that the Lord will do some amazing things in that family. I also know that my relationship will continue past the time we hand him in her arms full time. Even with all those things my heart obviously still hurts, as I realized it should. This month I randomly will be brought to tears as I see him smile at me, to see my kids love him as he was their own brother, to snuggle and smell his sweet body. I knew from the beginning that this was temporary and I longed for it to be temporary, my heart longs for families to be restored and the Lord has shown up in amazing ways in my relationship with his mom, and how DSS has allowed a lot of freedom there, but those facts don't diminish the fact that my heart hurts and breaks to know that this type of relationship with baby N is coming to an end. It hurts to think of my kids saying goodbye to a baby they have loved on so hard and so passionately. So now I pray. I pray for peace. I pray for his Mom to be ready. I pray for his transition, that its easy on him. I pray that I am able to be a part of his life, to watch him grow and turn into the sweet little boy that I know he will be, that our families will be forever woven together. I can't know for sure what the future holds, but one thing I do know is that the Lord has already gone before baby N and He promises He will be there we just have to recognize it, we have to see the Lord through the storm, in the joys, and He will guide, comfort, and grant joy when we seek Him. Will you pray along side me in the next couple weeks that the Lord shows up in a big way, that Baby N's mom is able to bring him home and that we all feel peace and comfort in this time?

my mini van is officially full....

I have been wanting to sit down and write something, but I honestly couldn't figure out what to even write. I love to blog to put my thoughts into words, to give others a glimpse of life in foster care, to remind me of the journey, but often I feel like its a jumble of thoughts and chaos.

Sweet little lady M has really started to open up. Something has changed in her smile, she hasn't had nightmares like she had in the past, and she is loving on baby N and she spends a lot of her day giving me hugs and wanting to snuggle. Court has extended her time here. Our trial date isn't until end of August so she should be with us at least until then. End of August seems like a lifetime away. Its hard to understand how slow the system works, but I know behind the scenes a lot of things need to happen to know that it is safe for kids to return home. So I will continue to do my job, to love on her, pray over her, and teach her what true love in family looks and feels like. She is definitely thriving and I love to see it. Ever since she arrived at our house she has been one tough cookie. She never cries over getting hurt. She also always wants me to tickle her like I do my kids but she never squirms and ends up forcing herself to laugh. I never questioned it until I wondered if she has just turned herself off to touching. I have heard of many kids in trauma situations that in order to cope they turn off that part of them. So I wonder if thats what she has done. Breaks me heart and so now I pray over time she can turn her sense of feeling on, if that is what she has done.
We had a huge answer to prayer break through yesterday. I picked up sisters before church yesterday to enjoy the day together. Little lady M still had some emotional moments through the day, but overall she was enjoying herself. We spent most of the day at the pool, where her sisters I think had their first experience at truly swimming. It was so fun to watch their fears of water turn into delight and fun. When we were leaving my sister in law, (who is in town for the month with her family, praise Jesus!) and I were praying over the goodbye, praying that little lady M would feel peace in knowing she would see them again soon. I said it was time to go and her middle sister started crying a bit and I encouraged her to wait until we got in the car to cry as not to upset little lady M. We started to walk out and pure sweetness little lady M says happily "Good bye see you next time!" and runs to the window to watch us leave. My heart wanted to burst with happiness knowing that she is finally comfortable at our home and these visits don't bring pure trauma and sadness to her.

So its funny how God works. I started writing this blog post on Monday of last week feeling like my life was pure chaos. I stopped writing it right before talking about Little Lady M's sisters. Well my sister in law, brother in law and sweet little boy came in town last tuesday to help me out since Rob is out of town for two weeks. Seriously such a blessing. Well like I said I have been emotionally exhausted with big court dates coming up, trying to finish out my kids homeschool year, and just life in general and Thursday I get a call. I sneak up to the playroom as to be able to hear the lady on the phone. "Yes this is Lindsey". Well after about 5 minutes of pleasantries and talking about how sad it was that those boys last week had to sit in DSS due to not having any place to stay she says "Well speaking of which we have been bombarded today with kiddos and babies and are drowning. Any chance you could take a 5 month old?" Silence..... Robs out of town for another 9 days in India so there is no way to call and ask him his thoughts... I stand and say a prayer that the Lord would guide me to a no if thats what I can't handle, but everything in me kept saying, we have a crib, we have an extra spot in my car, alright Lord show up here! "Well ok I guess that would be fine, but can we take it a week at a time until my friend gets approved and maybe move him if need be". "Yes Lindsey we will try our best" (Now I know placement workers are like used car salesmen, they will give you the moon as long as you take a child, so I am not holding my breath for what I asked for). "He is at a foster home right now and has been since monday, but we have to move him because he is out of county and they are requiring us to move him, worker doesn't have time today to get him so she will bring him by tomorrow. Is that ok?" "Sure."
I walk down the stairs and look at Brittany and kind of laugh. Well, I tell her, as crazy as life is right now a new baby is coming tomorrow. I mean all you can do is laugh at that point. And as I tell Brittany it may make Rob think twice about getting put on trips since every time he leaves out of town I have gotten a call for a kiddo! I guess thats a way to get them to stay home ;-) So Brit and I bask in our last evening before baby boy arrives.
Friday comes and we rush back from our last day at our cottage school to our worker close behind. I put my kids down for a nap, knowing she is only minutes away. She walks in to my house with this beautiful baby boy. I take her from her arms and he squeezes my neck so hard and gives the biggest hug, my heart almost bursts. We sit at the table signing paperwork and looking over notes from previous foster mom. I at this point don't even know and still don't know why he is even in care. While she is there Baby N's mom and grandma walk in for her visit that day. I give a quick smile as I finish up with the worker and explain to her why baby N's mom is here and how we do visits. She looks at me and says "now that is what foster care should look like". I answer back yeah thats my prayer, that we get some amazing families to take over foster care and change your expectations. Worker leaves me with this little boy in my arms. I look over at baby N's mom who is staring at me. "You mean your not babysitting that baby? Did you take ANOTHER baby in? Are you crazy?" ha! yeah I guess I am, but who could say no to his little dude. She just laughs knowing me, and knowing that yes my life is a little crazy.

Well the first day with Baby K really went smooth. Sweet Izzie woke up from her nap and walks down the stairs seeing baby K in the bumbo seat and yells in pure excitement "MORE BABIES!" Which right there was an answer to prayer because I wanted my kids to be excited and happy, not annoyed we have another kiddo in the home. Each one just loved on him like crazy and couldn't help but be excited. He slept pretty well the first night. He is still getting used to formula, since his mama breast fed, which always breaks me heart that she is at home longing for her baby emotionally and physically. The past three days have been as smooth as can be with 6 of my kids and 1 nephew in the home. 7 kids 6 and under looks and feels crazy, but the kids have done so well and have had such sweet attitudes.

Saturday morning was a beautiful day. Brittany and I took the babies early in the morning and went out to the garage sales (thank you Glenn for holding the fort for the morning! rockstar!). We can back and just enjoyed the morning in the front yard. I loved watching the kids play, the babies on the blanket, while enjoying an Iced Chai. It was almost lunch and Allie comes up to me asking if we could have a picnic. I tell her sure just to give me a minute so I can finish feeding the baby. She says "no mom its ok, I'm going to do the picnic" and she hops up the front stairs. Allie brings a blanket out spreads it in the yard and heads back inside. She comes out about 30 minutes later and says lunch is ready. Jake helps serve as they bring down everyone a plate that has a peanut butter and honey sandwich and slices of banana with a dollop of peanut butter on each on. She proceeds to serve everyone and the kids all sit and eat lunch. Afterwards she cleans up the plates and her mess in the kitchen. When she walks out I give her a hug and tell her how thankful I am and how sweet it was of her to do that for me. She says back to me "You're welcome mom, I was just trying to be helpful". That sweet girl has such an amazing servant heart, that in the midst of being the oldest and me demanding much more of her since getting more kiddos the Lord shows me that He is working in her heart and that He is doing much greater in this time of craziness.

We have successfully made it to the pool and church. I am so thankful that Brittany and Glenn are in town because they are amazing helpers and I truly could not have and probably would not have done it without them here. My minutes look crazy, but the days look full. I have no idea what the rest of this month hold, or what the placement looks like with Baby K, but right now in this moment I have peace and I know that the Lord has put me here in this moment for His purpose.

Today is a big day. The court has accepted baby N's moms appeal and we go in to decide if he will be transitioned slowly back with his mom. As you know I have fought for her for the last 4 months. My heart is all in. This past week has been rough, trying to decide if she is ready and if at this moment it is what is right. I don't think I will ever know what is truly right, but I do know that she has fought her darndest and is doing everything she can to get him back. So I sit here praying over this appeal. My fears creep in over his life, but I know that the Lord fills the gaps. My heart loves this baby boy as if he was my own, but he is not. This mama birthed him and is fighting for him, so as much as it hurts I fight with her and I pray that the Lord takes hold of this families heart and changes the cycle.
I was at a foster care appreciation lunch and recruitment event and a mom looks at me and says "do you like chaos?" I kind of laugh back and think does anyone like chaos? I like to be comfortable just like everyone else. I like easy days that I don't raise my voice, that my kids all get along, that I am able to sit down for 3 meals, that I'm able to spend individual time with each child, but that comes with a cost. It costs these sweet kids lives to live in a home that loves Jesus and loves them as they should be loved. If I chose a life of ease and less chaos I am costing baby N, little lady M, and Baby K to not be loved in this home for this moment in this time and I don't think the cost is worth that.
So thanks for prayers and keep them coming we need them around here!
And I'll end with what a lady said in my luncheon that I fully believe.. "foster care is only as good as the families in it". Change starts with Foster families raising the bar, raising the expectations and changing the system. Lets bring change.
For them. Because they are worth it