Mi Casa es tu Casa

Phew.... what to even write about. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going a million miles a minute, so many things I feel like I would love to share, things I am learning and being challenged by, how I wish foster care would change, how to handle life with so many little kiddos, how to deal with language barriers, but all I can get organized in my mind is Jesus is here, in this house, in this city, in these sweet hearts that surround my life.

A lot has gone on over the last 10 days. First of all we have officially had baby N for 3 months! Where has time gone? We have had him since he was 2 days old and it has been amazing to watch him grow. This little boy is pure joy. He is such a happy little man. He is sleeping 11 hours a night and eating like a champ. His mom is still pumping breast milk and I am so thankful for that. We love watching him grow and become more alert and smiley. The relationship with his mom is going great. She is working so hard for him. She is at our house 2 times a week and meets us at church on sundays. I continue to pray that the Lord builds our relationship. Each morning he wakes up with his big toothy grin I fall more in love with him and I praise Jesus for his sweet life.

Little Lady M. Wow what do I say about this little girl. She is such a beautifully sweet 3 year old. Each of my kids have taken to her in different ways. Allie has definitely became the "older sister" and  helps her throughout the whole day. Jake is the "crazy silly brother" who is always playing games with her. Izzie is the "little sister" who sometimes can drive each other crazy, but they love to play together, especially jumping on the trampoline.

 We have had a lot go down this week.

lemonade stand

Last wednesday she was able to go to our homeschool cottage school with us. We meet 4 times a month at our school. She was extremely excited to put a school uniform on and go with us. All morning she wore her back back saying in Spanish, I get to go to school! She did great all day, despite the language barrier.

A fun nature field trip!

Friday I called her worker asking for her siblings foster moms number so we could get a visit scheduled. The worker said "Yeah that would be great. If you can even just get one in a month we think that is plenty". Um what? No I think I will get them together as much as I can since they are sisters....

Saturday we picked her siblings up at their foster home. It was great to see that they were in what I can see a healthy foster home. We had a great time at an easter egg hunt with them. The girls all had a great time. But we experienced a first. We never understood other foster families that would say visiting siblings or family members is just not worth it. It sounded so mean, but I learned to never judge till your in their shoes. Like I said visit went great, saying goodbye was traumatizing. Once Little Lady M realized that sisters had to leave she burst into tears. The 30 min drive back to the girls foster home all three were in the back seat not only crying, but screaming. They were extremely upset. Once we got there I then became the bad guy forcing the girls out of the car. Little Lady M was back in her trauma spot, we were back to square one. Crying, screaming, didn't want to be consoled by me. It is so hard to describe the awful feeling of watching that pain go through a 3 year olds body. Once we arrived back home 20 minutes later she had started to calm down. Thankfully the rest of the day went smoothly, but its so hard to see if its worth putting her sweet little body in that trauma. But we know its best to see her siblings so we just pray that these visits get easier because today just didn't seem worth it.

3 days later I had a therapy appointment for Little Lady M. So blessed to have friends who are willing to take in my kiddos for the morning so I could go to the appointment with her. What makes me so sad is these sweet kiddos in foster care have foster parents that aren't willing to go to these appointments with them. The kids will have either social workers or a transporter come and pick them up to bring them to these appointments. Can you picture your 3 year old going to a medical/therapy appointment with someone they didn't know? So scary for them. I can't go into details, but in all honesty this appointment was horrific and I again feel like there has got to be a different way for these kids. During the appointment I just kept thinking "I can't imagine her being here by herself surrounded by people she doesn't know or trust". Its just trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and sadly the last two weeks are unneeded trauma on her and what I feel is trauma that could have been avoided.

some much needed hot chocolate/ coffee therapy

That afternoon I asked the social worker to drop her sisters off at my place for the rest of the day. We had a really great day, played dress up, made crafts, jumped on the trampoline, had dinner and Rob brought them home. Little Lady M would go back and forth having fun and then starting to cry when she realized they weren't staying the night. We still had a hard goodbye, but we had baby steps in the right direction. While she was sad and crying, when her sisters were leaving, she let me hold her and give her hugs so at least she is starting to trust me. I'm thankful that the visits are getting a little better so hopefully the more visits we have the easier it is on their sweet souls.

So now we are to wednesday night. Pumped for tomorrow because my parents are flying in for Easter and this whole crew is excited! We have cleared almost every day of visits so we can soak in the 4 days my parents are in town.

Thank you to the village that has been surrounding us in prayer. We honestly have felt more peace in chaos than we have ever known. We are learning how to be a family of 7, but it is smoother than I had anticipated and for that I am so thankful for those prayers. I absolutely love putting a different face on foster care. I love that everyone we come in contact with realizes this crazy need surrounding each of our cities. My prayer, as I have experienced such awful ways the system does things, is that amazing families will overwhelm the system and cause change. That going to therapy appointments and requesting visits with siblings wouldn't be abnormal but the norm. My prayer is that every church would stand up and fight for these kids that need someone to fight for them in this broken system.

Freedom

This has become one of my favorite songs to blast and dance to in the house when things feel crazy. I know Little Lady M can't speak english but I also know that my God isn't fenced in by language. I pray this overwhelms her scared soul and that the chains of pain, abuse and trauma will be broken in her family, Baby N's and so many others.  Also that my children will always know the freedom that comes in the Lord and that He can bring freedom in any circumstance. I hope this encouraged your soul today. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhEjNw8DfM0

FREEDOM

You came to set the captives free
You came to bring us liberty
My sin and my rejection met
Your blood and my acceptance
Now I'm alive to bring You praise

Chorus:
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom
Every chain is broken through You, Jesus
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom

Whoa oh, oh, oh

Verse 2:
Your blood has covered every sin
Your grace empowers me to win
My pain and my oppression met
Your blood and my acceptance
Now I'm alive to bring You praise

Bridge:
I'm free I'm free, I'm free to dance and sing
I'm free, I'm free, I'm free to shout it out
I'm free, I'm free, I'm free to dance and sing
I'm free, I'm free, I'm free to worship You I'm gonna worship you

What a difference a day makes....

Going about my normal Thursday. Rob had been gone since Monday and was due home Friday. I was in the middle of making dinner when my phone rings...
"Ma'am this is placement calling I have a two year old girl in need of a placement, would you be willing to take her. She is being split from her two older siblings because we have no home able to take all three".
I look at my kids running around and the dinner on the stove... I say a quick prayer of wisdom... pause... "Yes that would work".
"Okay thank you so much the worker will be calling you about details".
I try to get dinner finished and on the table for my kids waiting to hear from worker. I start to clean up the house a bit, change the sheets on the beds, vacuum etc. I start preparing my kiddos for a new toddler in the home with which they of course reply "YAY!!!!".
I get a call from the worker an hour later.
"Yes hi I am calling about the little girl. She is three years old and just to let you know she only speaks spanish, no english."
hmmmm thats funny I heard she was two and no one informed me of her not speaking my language?? ok Lord you have got to show up here. My spanish is pretty spotty and this sweet little girl is getting ripped from her parents and her siblings all in the same day and being placed in an english speaking home!
"Okay", I say "How long until you get here?"
"Another worker is bringing her and should be there in 30 min"
I hang up the phone and ask my kids to get their pajamas on, brush teeth and be ready for bed. All the while letting them know that this now three year old only speaks Spanish and she will be scared.
I see the car pull up and walk out to help.
Social worker looks at me. "She is very traumatized from being pulled from family. She screamed all the way here and finally just fell asleep"
Opening the car door I reach in to unclip her carseat she looks at me terrified. In my best spanish I am attempting to tell her who I am and that I will take care of her. I carry her inside the house as she is sobbing. We walk in the front door as the social worker looks at me and says "I can't make eye contact with her or I will start to cry, she just breaks my heart".
We sign the legal papers as I am trying to calm her down. The worker starts to leave and Little Lady M starts to panic and run after her. We decide it would be best if I give her a tour she that the social worker can sneak out. I carry her around showing her the rooms but as she realizes that the worker is gone she runs to the door unbolting it and tries to run out. I keep saying, I'm sorry and Its okay. Even though deep down for her it was not okay. This is not okay. The next hour and a half was probably the roughest I have had in a very long time. I have never seen such fear and terror in one little girls face. She was throwing herself against the walls. Slamming her head in the floor. Screaming at me. I sent my kiddos upstairs to read some books so they wouldn't be scared as I closed the windows around the house so my neighbors didn't wonder what was going on. I was so scared that I would end up needing to bring her to the emergency room from hurting herself. I started to go through different things I had heard to do during things like this, I started coloring next to her (still screaming), I gave her some water and cheerios (still screaming), I tried to find cartoons on tv but none in spanish (still screaming)... Then I had an idea I sat in the living room where I could see her but she couldn't see me. She started calming down. Pulling out the movie Frozen I asked her if she liked it. She looked at me "si". yay! A word. While sticking it in the DVD player she snuck around the corner and plopped herself on the couch. Seeing the menu bar I can play the movie in Spanish!! The newer disney movies actually speak in spanish! The movie began and her body relaxed. My kids started to walk down the stairs and I told them to join us. I sat on the floor next to Little Lady M feeding Baby N about 20 min pass by and we make eye contact and she smiles at me. BABY STEP!

About an hour later I put my kids to bed and let her finish the movie. In the mean time trying to get her to eat something and drink something. After the movie is done she agrees to put some pajamas and brush her teeth. The crazy oil lady in me started diffusing some good sleep oils in her room. I put her in bed, tucked her in, and lay on the floor next to her. She looks at me and laughs. I tell her in my best spanish that I will sleep here so she can fall asleep. After many pops out of bed she finally drifts off into sleep. The thing running through my mind is "Joy comes in the morning, Joy comes in the morning". I pour over her sweet body with prayer. For her sleep to be full of peace and rest. That her body and mind, that are going through turmoil, will be rested. I slowly exited the room fully thinking she would never last all night in there. That night a cloud of people were covering her with prayer and it was felt. Rob got home at 2:30am to a new addition in our family. Little Lady M didn't wake up till 6:45!! Prayers were answered! The morning went very smoothly. Sweet Little Lady M didn't want to eat any breakfast, but once we left the house and walked to the park she was all smiles and laughter.

The sweetest is that every time she built something in the sand by the park she would run to Rob and say "look! look!" I love that she felt peace around Rob too. So yes Joy certainly came in the morning.  The day went amazingly well. Lunch came around and thankfully she ate a great lunch. She actually took a 3 hour nap after that, the sweet girl was exhausted from the previous day. The evening went just as smooth. 

The next morning we decided to go the beach. Have some fun and make it a less stressful. I love that play needs no language. She loved every minute of the beach. The water was SOO cold but of course Rob and the kids still went in! LOCO! 

My sweet tender hearted Allie loves to care for Little Lady M and does not mind that she doesn't speak her language. She even will nap just so Little Lady M feels more comfortable with her in the room. Love feeding her gifts she has been given. 

 Taking a dip with Rob.

 Busy builders

Fitting in some hill climbing before getting into the car. 

The weekend was crazy chaotic full of different events, but never once did I feel that it wasn't exactly what we were supposed to be doing. The Lord was moving in all of it. I went and dropped off a friend at the airport on sunday (yes we had a visitor stay saturday night too!) and came back home where our front door flew open and out runs Jake and Little Lady M yelling for me and giving me monster hugs. Pure Joy fills me. She is happy here, comfortable here, and comfortable with me. Thankful. 

Sunday night rolled around. Rob and I put the kids to bed, baby N on my lap and we just took a big sigh. We survived 3 days of chaos... and I think pretty well. I look down at Baby N and thank the Lord that His Joy comes in the morning. After thursday night and how awful it was with Little Lady M. I was just imagining how horrible it would be with her, but I was limiting what the Lord is capable of doing through many many people surrounding us in prayer, she was full of laughs, smiles and playing all weekend. Don't get me wrong this language thing is making it much harder, but we are trying to make the best of it and my kids are now learning spanish, as am I, and she is learning english! win win situation I think. 

Headed to court Monday, thanks to a rockstar foster mom friend who came and watched her two and all my kids so I could go. Little Lady M has next court date May 7th so she will be here until at least then. So for now we pray that Love shines through language barriers when we can't understand what she wants or fears. And we pray that the Lord fills in the gaps that we can't fill. This is definitely a new chapter for us. A bit harder chapter, but so sweet. This little lady is just full of sweetness and joy. Her sweet smile can brighten anyones day and each day that passes she gets more and more comfortable with her surroundings. I am excited to see what the Lord does in her and through my children in this process. 

Right now we are dealing with a lot of emotions.. Emotions in each one of my children. It always happens. Its like adding a new baby to the family. They all are not so sure what to do with it. So a lot of tears and arguing, but we are growing in the process and I know characters will be built through it. Just lots of patience on my part and extra snuggles. 

Thank you for your prayers they mean more then you would know and are felt each and every day. The Lord is moving and I am thankful. Our family is growing not just in numbers but in who we are and I'll take any struggle if we come out stronger as a family in the end. And I will always be remember that yes Joy Comes In the Morning... 

loving deep. loving hard.

A week of supervised visits have come and gone and I am so thankful. 6 hours we got to spend with his mom. 8 hours she got to spend with him (2 extra hours at DSS). So much uncertainty is ahead, but I am so thankful that we are doing what we can to fight for Baby N's family because thats what he deserves.

I'll be honest I think ahead three months and I can't imagine handing him off (which is what we are all hoping for him and his mama), even if it means to his mom who I support with my whole being. She has done everything the court will allow and has connected with him as much as she is able. But in the end right now he knows me as mom. I am the one that picks him up when he cries, I'm there when he's hungry, I am there in the middle of the night and in the morning. I give him his baths and I'm the one who smothers him with kisses. As he is getting older and is recognizing me and lights up when I walk into his room in the morning. With every sweet smile I feel my heart loving him deeper and harder. I look ahead and experience my heart break already, but I know whats best for him is my heart ache. He needs me, He needs my unguarded love. He needs a mom that lights up when she's sees him. So I will offer it and when the time comes to say goodbye, whenever that is, I will be depending on the Lord to equip me to say goodbye. Because in my heart I don't know how I will ever do that myself. For now Lord equip me to love unreservedly. Love unconditionally. Love as he is my own. 

Because of my feelings toward this little boy that I consider a part of my family I have the hardest time hearing people say to me time and time again "I could never do that (foster care), I would love them too much" or "I would get too attached". I understand people don't mean to be hurtful, many times it just makes them feel better, but the conclusion for me and that statement is that I don't love them enough or that I don't get attached enough. That it doesn't scare me with ever ounce of my being to love and have to let go. I do and it does. There are moments when fear grips me so hard and I look ahead to his life and am sad that I won't be there. So please when you see a foster parent don't tell them that. Just encourage their lives, encourage them as parents, and support them. Just please don't tell them that you couldn't because you connect too deeply or love too hard. We do, but we are willing to get hurt, because its not about us its about them. Its about these children that don't deserve to be in the upheaval they are in. So we were called to step in and love knowing it will hurt. For all foster parents out there that have loved deep and hurt deep maybe just say to them "How do you do it? or that would be so hard." Because it is hard and we only can do it well with Jesus. Just please don't quickly make a remark about how your heart is too soft or too loving to do what we do and walk away because a little of our hearts are left wounded in the process.