One Year and may be forever..

One year ago this weekend two very frightened twin girls entered our lives. It was a crazy day and a time that I did not feel like I could do more. I was 3 months pregnant, had just said goodbye to our first long term foster baby, was about to say goodbye to our foster daughter, was preparing for my eldest birthday party and got the call from a friend. A foster mama friend who needed someone to take a set of twin girls because she was taking their little brother. Everything in my body screamed no yet my heart screamed yes. I called Rob and he quickly said, "We have the room, how can we say no?" So yes it is. That was the beginning of their new chapter, of our new chapter. I wish I could say it was a perfect beginning, I wish I could say this yes was easy, I wish I could say I never doubted. But I can't. What I can tell you is Jesus is so good, He is perfect, and He is always our yes. He is the reflection I see when I look in their eyes, He is the love I seek to display, He is the grace I ask for daily.

The word that defines this past year is sanctifying. I always thought parenting was sanctifying but now I say foster care is. I never knew how horrible I was in my sin until I entered this pressure cooker. Jesus has heated me up past the point of boiling with the desire to get out the horribly ugly sin that festers in me... to refine me. Oh my goodness does it hurt, but I am so thankful to be refined. Before Rob and I entered this foster care journey we often were told "why mess a good thing that you have?" "you seem to be so comfortable?". It was true, we were comfortable and it did feel easy, but we were oh so unaware of the sin hidden beneath the surface, the impatience, anger, pride, self centeredness and even the love of comfort. Over this last year Rob and I have had to learn how to parent kids from hard places, to have patience on days you just want to scream, give grace to each other when we fail, pray over our marriage that it would stay firmly rooted in trials, and pray for joy. Joy to override fear, anger, frustration. Joy to win. Thankfully in my prayers I always knew Joy would win because His Word promises it. He doesn't promise He will call us to easy, He actually says quite the opposite, but I do know He pours out His Joy unconditionally through those trails. So today I look into two sets of beautiful brown eyes and I am seeing a glimmer of that light, that joy. The last 12 months have been full of hard days but in weeks like these I stop and look and see miraculous change. I see life behind eyes that used to be empty. I see joy in a smile that used to only contain fear. I see two girls who are beautifully and wonderfully made and are starting to know in their hearts that it is true.

Now we enter year two and the question I often here is what is going to happen to their future? What is going to happen when you move this summer? Most of you know we have sought to reunify all of the kiddos that have entered our doors. Unfortunately with these girls it hasn't worked that way. What I have learned in everything is that sometimes people can not give what they haven't received and that is the case for their mama. Rob and I continue to pray for healing for their mom and that she can know peace in heartache. For now we have told social services that we will step forward and adopt the girls if termination of rights happen. At this point we are in a waiting pattern. Waiting for the termination of rights hearing to happen. We are guessing it will be scheduled for March or April. If termination of rights happens we will be setting an adoption hearing as soon as possible to rush everything before our move date of July 1st. So what does this next year look like? We don't know for sure. What we do know is that we continue to step forward in faith saying yes, yes even in our fears, yes even in our doubt and yes knowing a beautiful thing will happen. Thankfully in stepping in faith He has shown up in granting His peace. Although I have had many nights of tears fearing what the future holds He continues to lean down pour out His grace and remind me that He is there and overwhelming peace floods me. Shockingly now we just wait. We take each day as it comes and wait for the trial. For now we breathe in the excitement of Christmas in 6 beautiful children that surround me. As I climb in each one of their beds at night and breathe them in as their sweet 3 year old voices pray and thank Jesus for another day, I can't help but cry over them saying no Thank you Jesus for this day, this day to learn more how to depend on You when I certainly can not do it myself, to get the chance to raise these beautiful children you have given me. I ask you to pray. Pray that the Lord continues to show up in this case, that hearts can be healed and that wisdom is given. Adoption can be a beautiful thing, but it is also heartbreaking thinking of families that have been broken. The next 6 months will determine the future of these two beautiful girls and our family and I'm thankful for so many who continue to pray over it.

Here's to one year with our girls and how exciting it is to think what year two will hold....

Joshua Jon you are ever so loved....

A post I wrote back a month ago and forgot to post....


One week ago today my mom arrived to be an amazing helping hand with my crew. We were all so excited to have her be here, especially because it meant it was time for baby to come!

I was due July 15th, but have been 11 days late with my last two babies so we weren't expecting his/her arrival on time. It just so happened my entire crew had VBS this week which was an unexpected gift to have some mornings to spend with my mom, walking the beach, enjoying breakfast out, coffee dates, and organizing the house without 5 kids under foot. One of my twins doesn't normally do well in camp type settings, new leaders, new kids, new places but I, along with many others, were praying that the Lord would calm her heart and allow her to enjoy the fun of VBS and fun did she have! I was so proud of her and how well she did every day as she came out with a huge smile on her face telling me how great she did and how much fun she had. I love seeing them succeed and also finding joy in having a good day. We woke up Thursday morning brought the crew to VBS and came home to get some last organizing/cleaning done. We picked everyone up at noon, had lunch and put littles down for naps. I had a scheduled weekly checkup with my midwife at 3 that I was getting ready for. About 2:00 I noticed every once in a while some pains in my belly but didn't think anything of it because I had all back labor with my first two babies, which for those of you who have experienced it is a whole different ball game. I left the house at 2:30 for my appointment, but as I was driving the pains were getting a bit more intense and I had to actually focus some breathing through them. I walked into my birth center still not thinking too much of them. I had my check up and she said I was 3cm almost 4cm dilated and then asked if I was having any contractions. I told her I wasn't sure if they were actual contractions but I was having pains. She put my on the monitor and told me that she believed I was in labor. Me, I was still in denial. I texted Rob to let him know he might want to head home from work to get our bags packed. I got my IV put in, being strep B positive I needed a dose of antibiotics, since I needed the meds for 4 hours before delivery. They asked if I was good to go home, which I said I was and I headed out. The way home my contractions definitely became more intense and closer together. Once home we packed our bags, took a shower and got some food. For the past month my eldest daughter, Allie who is 7, has been asking to be at the birth. This wasn't something we took lightly and had many conversations over. I knew my labors normally were very fast, and sometimes intense, but I also knew that being a water birth and one at this beautiful center it made for a much more peaceful/comfortable birth. After watching a few water births with her and talking about the exciting and scary things that can happen, we decided to let her come with us. Allie packed up her things and we loaded in the car. At that point my contractions were 3-5 minutes a part but still not nearly intense as my other 3 labors. We arrived at the birth center at 6:45, got ourselves settled into our beautiful birthing suite that resembles more of a master bedroom with a large birthing tub, queen bed, leather couch and large bathroom. My midwife, midwife in training and a nurse were there to help in the labor. I spent the next hour walking the room, chatting between contractions and still in my mind thinking I wasn't very far along. at 8:00pm she checked me and to my surprise I was 8-9 cm dilated. Each of the women guessed the baby would be no more than 8 pounds, Rob and I laughed because that was the guess of Izzie and she came out 9.8 pounds! So we were anxious to see how much this one weighed. They filled the tub and I was more than ready to get in. Allie was just the cutest thing through labor. She was so excited and just full of joy. Her little feet couldn't stop moving and she just hung back watching. I hopped in the tub, which is my happy place. One of the sweetest memories from my labor was in between contractions in the tub I would look up and see Allie kneeling near the tub with the biggest smile on her face watching me. About an hour past and I still kept thinking that the midwives thought I was further along then I was because I am not nearly in the amount of pain I was with my others. but then 9:15 hit and my body was ready to get that baby out. Normally I do not like Rob in the tub, I don't like a lot of physical touch while in labor, but I couldn't get comfortable in the tub to push and so Rob hopped in to help hold my back and let me lean on him. Allie was right behind him and I think if I would have said yes she would have jumped in the tub with him. One and a half pushes later at 9:34pm a sweet baby entered this world. I grabbed him and put him on my chest and saw that yes It was a BOY! Allie and Rob were right behind me with pure joy on their face.

 After a few minutes the midwives asked Rob if he was ready to cut the cord. He looks at Allie and said "Do you want to cut it". I realized we hadn't talked about this step, but she excitedly said "YES!" She came around the midwives, grabbed the scissors and cut it like a champ. They took baby Joshua from me as I moved from the tub to the bed. The did his vitals and measured him at a whopping 23 inches! 2 inches longer than my other 3 babies. Then moved him to the scale and weighed him at 9 pounds 13 ounces. Rob was a tad disappointed thinking he was so close to 10 pounds! Everyone else was shocked, I just laughed. My beasty boy. He was placed on my chest, Allie snuggled in next to me. I asked her what she thought and she says "It was just so exciting I could barely stand it". I was so proud of her. Proud that she was so brave, that she wanted to just be in the moment even when it was scary. She says, "It was only a little scary when you were pushing him out, but mom that is a big baby to push out of a little hole." I could only laugh and say yeah thats what I think too. Rob and I were so glad we decided to let her join us. It was one of the sweetest labors I have had and I love that she got to experience it with us, something we will all never forget. It was looking like we would head home by 12:30 that night, but had a few complications with my stinker body, but thankfully were able to head home by 3:30am. We arrived home, parked ourselves in bed, fed baby Joshua and got a little sleep.
8:00 that next morning my crew woke up not knowing the baby had been born! They came into my room crawled on the bed. I told them to turn around and look in the baby bed. The looked at him shocked then each one said "Can I see your belly?! The baby came out?". Of course Jake says is it a boy or a girl? A boy! yay! I was so happy we could come home so soon after the birth to experience them hearing of Joshua being born and them spending the first days with Josh and I in bed. I parked myself in my room for the next 48 hours. So thankful my mom and hubby were home to wrangle my troops and help take care of me and baby. Some of the sweetest moments were to have each of my kiddos come into my room at different times of the day snuggle in next to me, hold baby Josh and just chat. I love hearing their thoughts and questions of the baby and just life. It was a great chance to slow down and just be. Just be with each of them and give them their own time. Each one of the kiddos just adores him and is so excited he is here in our family. The twins have been so excited about him as well, which was an answer to prayer. So here I am 3 days after welcoming him into this world so thankful. Thankful for an easy birth since Allie was there and she was able to witness the miracle of life. Thankful for this family that is so full of love. Thankful my hubby has been home all weekend and so thankful for a mom who will be here for 2 more weeks to help me figure out life with 6 little people. Thankful. Blessed. Welcome to this crazy, fun, silly, joy filled family Joshua Jon, hold on for the ride.

Time doesn't always heal broken hearts.....

Its been almost 3 months since I have heard your voice. Three months since you have crawled up on my lap and snuggled in. Three months since I have read your favorite book to you. Three months since I have told you that you are dearly loved by this whole family, and so dearly loved by Jesus. Where you now live happens to be in route to so many places we travel to every week. Every time I drive by I look at your front porch wishing to catch a glimpse of you, just to make sure that you are ok. A couple times a week I find myself crying over you, over wondering if you are ok, if you're safe, if you're questioning where we are, why we don't see you anymore. I don't know what your mom has told you, why she has said she stopped contacting us, but I doubt she tells you we miss you, we long to see you, we love you and that each of the kids pray for you every night before bed, even the twins. Every night they pray that you are safe and happy, they thank Jesus for you. I keep thinking that every month that passes it will get easier, but it doesn't. My heart still aches for you. As I watch all 6 kids play in the back yard I feel like some are missing. I realize I am missing you, missing watching you run in the yard with the kids, laughing and being silly.
Do you know I text your mom every week asking about you even though I haven't heard back from her in 3 months?
Do you know that each of the kids ask about you and miss you?
Do you know that I still have wrapped birthday gifts waiting for you from a birthday we didn't get to celebrate?
Do you know that I have dreams with you in them and when I wake up I forget you aren't in your room?
Do you know the kids still refer to your bed as "Little lady M's bed" even though someone else has been sleeping in it since you left 4 months ago?
Do you still sing "My God has a plan for me, its a very special plan that only He can see. He's got one for you and another just for me. My God has a plan for me"? Do you remember that was your favorite to sing before bed? Do you trust those words? Do you trust that He has a plan?
Do you remember the peace we prayed over you every night?

Sweet girl every tear I cry I have to remember that He promises to never leave us and so I cling to the fact that Our heavenly Father is in your room tonight as you sleep. He pours His presence over you and that is better than anything else I could ever ask for. So tonight as you sleep, sweet love, know that you are missed, you are loved and this mama longs for the day to hug you again.

"Goodnight sweetheart well its time to go. Goodnight sweetheart well its time to go. I hate to leave you but I really must say. Goodnight sweetheart. Goodnight."

Spring Has Sprung

I have been distant on here for way too long. So much goes on in every day that I wish I could write about, journal on and reflect on, but I get to the end of the day and my brain can barely put one full sentence together. This pregnancy has caused my already jumbled brain into mush. Foster care and pregnancy makes for very interesting  emotions. The last three months have been full of; Izzie turning 3, the twins turning 3, Jake turning 5, homeschool, my mother in law in town for a month, my parents here for Easter, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, etc. etc. etc. It has been full, but thankfully full of so many good things to celebrate. With the twins here Izzie has definitely taken the big sister role and has grown in leaps and bounds. She absolutely loves to help the twins and do her schoolwork. The twins' growth is hard to even measure because we often forget where they started. They have grown in communication, listening, and understanding their roles in family. The days have often been hard yet to hear them say "Okay mama", "I'm sorry", or "Can you please help me?" makes all the hard days worth it. The three three year olds are hilarious to watch and they always come up with some funny imaginary game to play. Allie and Jake continue on their school year doing great and understanding that sometimes ministry takes a lot of our time. They so often strap on their boots and get to work. I am learning that homeschool is full of GRACE and that there are days we have hours on end to read, immerse ourselves in books, do art and take nature walks, yet a lot of days we are doing our school work in doctors offices, in the car or at a coffee shop. I am learning both actually have so many benefits and that learning happens in so many places. Thankfully my children are learning the gift of grace alongside of myself.

My parents made the trip out for Easter and it always goes by way too fast. My mother in law had been here prior for the month and oh my goodness was it a help. Nothing like being able to take just one or two to an appointment without having to drag the whole gang, or even going to the grocery store alone! So when my parents came and went in three days it felt like a blink. I sat on my couch this morning drinking my coffee listening to the quiet of my kids sleeping reflecting on this last month. I can't help but be so thankful for the 4 grandparents in my kids lives. I am so blessed to have both sets truly love on all of my children and that they love to just have fun with them, I am learning that a lot of people don't have that and I won't ever take it for granted. While my parents were here they got a picture into what welcoming a new kiddo looks like. 

11:30 Saturday night before Easter I was laying in bed attempting to fall asleep with this baby deciding to dance in my belly when my cell phone rings. "Hello, I know you guys are at 5 kids right now, but we have had 7 kids go into care this afternoon/evening. Any chance you can take a 2 year old boy?" I rolled over, woke up Rob and told him the situation. He says "Well they won't be able to find another placement tonight and we have room, tell her yes". I told her yes and she said the social worker would call me soon. 1:30am the phone rings again. "Hello, we are finishing up at the hospital and we should be leaving soon." 4:30am phone rings again. "Sorry it took longer than we thought we are on our way". 4:45 arrived at our front porch. I walked out to the car. "Ma'am I'm just realizing we said you would have the 2 year old, I have the baby in my car". I looked at her a little confused, "Well we will take the baby, it doesn't matter to me". I took the sweet 2 month old out of the car and we headed inside. She said she would call the worker that has the 2 year old to see if the other foster mom will take him. She said she would call me if she needed to come back. She heads out and I head upstairs. Rob wakes up as I am attempting to pull the pack n play out for baby boy. He looks at me confused, "Yeah they dropped the wrong kiddo off". 10 min later worker calls back "Sorry but the other foster mom is only able to do babies I need to come back and grab him and bring his older brother to you". I bring baby boy back out to her car load him up and head back to bed. 6am the worker pulls up again. Sweet boy is snuggled in her arms crying. I take him from her thinking no way this boy is 2 he is way too big. "What's his name?" I ask. The worker looks at me. "Hmmm I know it, but I can't remember I'll have to text you with it". She leaves. He's crying in my arms as I am trying to tell him it is safe here and we are safe. I walk upstairs to my room where we have made a bed on the floor in hopes to make him feel more comfortable next to us. I realize that he is pretty scared upstairs so we head back downstairs. I snuggle into the couch hoping he will rest a little bit since he has been up all night and my crew will be up in 2 hours for Easter morning church. He is crying and mumbling a lot of words I can't understand. He finally relaxes in my arms and falls asleep. 7:30 my parents are up in the living room thinking Jake sick and is asleep on my lap. Rob explains to them all that went on through the night. 8:00 my kiddos wake up Easter morning and make their way downstairs. We tell them we had a new little boy who needed a safe place to stay. The excitement in my kiddos is always the sweetest to see. No questions of the Easter bunny or how this changes Easter just excitement that we have another little one to love. 8:15 I start to get him to wake up when I see his hospital bracelet that has his name and birthday. He turns 4 in June. Hmmm interesting DSS told me 2? Alright another 3 year old in the house, bring on the goofy kiddos. We get ready for church and get little C man ready load up and head out. He is apprehensive, but seems to be doing ok. He smiles and sits during church and we enjoy a great brunch as a family. As the morning goes on we realize that he doesn't have much speech development, if any. I am always amazed when the kids do so well on the first day. I imagine all the fear in their little bodies and the uncertainty of where they are and what might happen to him. We all enjoyed a sweet egg hunt in the afternoon and my whole crew crashed during nap time. Needless to say Easter was an eventful one, but exactly what I want to teach my children that Easter is about. It is about The One who came to save this lost and hurting world. One that gave the biggest sacrifice, yet proved His power and redemption in His resurrection. A day about our own need for His Grace and healing. It was all these things shown to us in a hurting little boy that we could shower with promises of hope and healing. 

So now we are back up to 6 kiddos, but it is perfect, just as He intended for us right now. Little man C won't be long term since this baby growing in my belly will be showing its face sometime in July and we can't fit 7 in our car, but for now we are loving, teaching, laughing and being silly with this sweet 3 year old boy. As Allie was pushing him on the swing she says "Mom why can't he stay for a long time, can't you see how happy he is here and we have room in our car?". My heart almost bursts when I hear her love for these sweet children. I can not wait to see what the Lord is going to do in her life and in her heart as she grows. Chaos doesn't scare her, craziness doesn't either, the sweetness of these kiddos brings her joy and it brings this mamas heart extreme joy. Afraid of what foster care will do to your kiddos? Don't be. Be expectant of the amazing things that foster care will do for them. 

What do goodbyes look like?

There are many facets to foster care. One of the biggest facets is the goodbyes. This facet unfortunately is the one that keeps most people from doing foster care in the first place. I'll be honest, it isn't my favorite part, but its a part and needs to be treasured none the less. Some of my joys of foster care is answering other peoples questions and wonderings of this life we are in and showing them that we have been blessed in it more than anything. But I will say probably the number 1 fear involves the goodbyes and the leaving. So I decided to write a post on how we do goodbyes in our family, what it looks like and how this last one went.

As you know Little Lady M was with us for 9 months. Anyone who had the blessing of knowing her knows that from that first glance she grabs your heart. Her deep brown eyes and that sweet smile just get you to your core. The love that my family felt for her was nothing less than a daughter and sister. My biological crew definitely loved her as their own. They fought over who got to sleep in the bunk bed with her, who got to sit next to her in the car, at the table, etc. and the sweetness never died down.  They even had normal sibling rivalries and fights with one another. No life wasn't all perfect and happy all the time, but life never is. This little girl, as baby N had, entered our home and became one of us.

Now something we always do in our foster family is that I try to go to every visit and court date and I try to bring my kids to as much as they can. The purpose of this is that they can see that Little Lady M has a mom and who she is and that she has a mom that just had a really rough time, but she loves her and hopes that she can get her little girl back. So from day one we are praying for mom and dad. Praying that they have peace while their kids are gone. Praying that they know they are safe. Praying that they will do what they need to do to provide a safe home. So my children are never confused as to the situation that we love each child that comes into our home as one of our own because thats what they need at that time, but they do have a family out there fighting for them and that if they do what they need to do we will celebrate them going home.

My eldest has asked me from the beginning of starting this journey that I would be honest with her always about what will happen and is happening with the kiddos that come in our home. When the court dates will happen and if I know when they will go home to tell her. So I have kept to my word and as hard as it is to tell a 7 year old the hard things I have been honest about visits and court dates and I do think it has made it easier for her to understand.

About 6 weeks ago we knew we had a court date the first week of January for Little Lady M. I heard from the social worker that mom was doing her program and they are almost positive that Little Lady M will return home after court. I'll be honest a part of my mom heart was sad, scared, uncertain, but the other part of me was confident that God was there and He knew. Rob and I started discussing when we would start telling the kids. If any of you have small children you know that telling them something is happening in a month that is like a lifetime for them so we decided to wait awhile before letting the whole crew know Little Lady M might be going home. Christmas was coming up and we just wanted to enjoy Christmas, to celebrate together as a family, enjoy the moments together and not worry about goodbyes. We started praying, praying for wisdom and understanding as we knew this probably wouldn't be easy for the kids or myself for that matter. So many unknowns in foster care, never knowing if mom will keep in contact when they go home, never knowing if the kids are safe, scary unknowns.

A few days after Christmas Rob sat the kids down during story time at night and told them that he had some exciting news. He said Little Lady M's mom found a safe place for the girls and that they get to go home to their mom in a week! We decided that we would make it a celebration, an exciting time that we reached the goal of reunification. My heart was still pulled in both directions, but if I have learned anything from the military is that the kids follow suit with moms emotions so I kept them with the excitement of going home not the sadness of leaving. Each day we celebrated being a day closer, we went to a visit with her mom at her home with the social worker. I knew mom wouldn't be living in an ideal situation, but it was safe and full of her mamas love. I had been praying for the visit at her home, that Little Lady M wouldn't see the outer appearance, but that she would see it as a home full of her moms love. We pull up to her apartment and I get a few tears in my eyes, yet sweet little lady M says from the back "my moms house is just so beautiful". If that wasn't Jesus moving I don't know what is. My heart almost burst as I said back, "Yes sweet love it is." My bio kids and Little Lady M got to see where she gets to live and where she will sleep. We headed home after visit full of excitement about being home with mom and other sisters. The next 4 days were full of emotions and questions. Two days before leaving Little Lady M says "I am so happy to be going home but I am also a little sad so I may cry". In that moment I was given the freedom to look at her and tell her that joy and sadness can go side by side. Beauty and Pain can often go together, and sometimes that is the most beautiful. I cried with her and said I would be so sad that I don't get to snuggle her in the morning, hear her giggles through he day, tuck her in at night, but I am so happy her mama gets her back. In that moment I could speak that truth I was so happy she got to go home, it is what Rob and I pray for each time a child enters our home. We pray a family is reunified. We started packing all of Little Lady M's things. I bought a few Tupperware bins and brought out our sharpie markers and let the kids draw pictures and write their names and messages all over the bins. We had a good time laughing together as the colored and collected all of her things around the house. I bought a recordable book to record my voice reading to her. One of her favorite things is being read to and her mom only speaks Spanish and is illiterate in it both languages so I knew she wouldn't get many read at home so I thought it was the perfect way for her to remember that we are here praying for her every day.

Monday morning came and I woke up with so much peace, knowing that the Lord would be in that day and that so many people around me were praying for us. I arrived at court where I was a little frustrated at the case, but after a lot of discussing everyone came to a good conclusion. They decided the girls would return home immediately following court. I got in the car and sobbed. I knew it was happening and I felt prepared, but in that moment alone I was able to cry my heart out and pray. I drove home loaded up her things, the kids and we set off to her house. The social worker had already dropped the older sisters off so it was just me, her mom, and the kids. We walked in, unloaded her belonging, I hugged mom and told her we are so happy. All the kids ran around looking at her bed, laughing, playing being silly. I said it was time to give hugs. We all hugged each other. I looked at Little Lady M and told her she is loved more than she knew, as she says "Yes and God even loves me more". I told her I would see her soon and to call me if she needed anything. I was able to hold back tears and we loaded up in the car and headed out. Rob unfortunately had to work late that night and I had no energy to go home and put dinner in the oven so we headed to chick fil a where the kids could play and I could just breath. As I sat there watching the kids play through the window a lady came up asking how many kids I had and a part of my heart broke. I desperately wanted to tell her I had one more that wasn't here anymore, but she wasn't mine anymore so today I have 5. 5 blessings and a few more that are constantly on my heart and mind. We drove home and pulled in the driveway and Izzie says "Mom but we didn't pick Little Lady M up from her visit?" "I know Iz remember she is living at her moms now". "But mom than I won't see her and I'll miss her too much". "I know Iz, but she is with her mama now and we get to see her soon." Her sweet 2 year old self doesn't quite understand this life, but it is going to grow her into such a selfless little girl and that makes my heart so happy. That night before bed both Allie and Jake prayed in their rooms and they praised and thanked Jesus that Little Lady M got to go home with her Mom. I truly believe their hearts see the joy in reunification that we are sad, and will be sad always, but there is joy in a family getting back together.
So here I sit one week later. It has been a hard week. A lot of "Mom I'm sad she is gone." "Mom when can she come and play" "Mom its lonely without her here". Thankfully I had one day to see and spend time with her and her mom as we did errands together. I was able to hug her and tell her I'll still be here. The kids got to see her for a little bit and they all were so happy. I was volunteering in children's church yesterday where they played her favorite song "My God has a plan for me, its a very special plan that only He can see. He's got one for you and another just for me. My God has a plan for me" and I couldn't help but cry through it. I miss her terribly as any mom would. I hurt and am scared for her, but I have to trust that the Lord is there. I have hopes that she will be in our life for a very long time because I know she will never leave our hearts.

So Goodbyes are messy, not easy, but it is a part of this journey and a part that has grown myself and my kids in huge ways. I am so thankful for what this journey has taught my children about loving without fears of the end, being selfless in all circumstances, and knowing that it isn't always easy, but for even just one kid it is worth it. Hopefully this goodbye has shown you that the answers to "How can you love and let go?" "It would be to hard to say goodbye" "Wont Little Lady M be sad to leave your house" aren't easy answers, and they aren't always the answers people want to hear, but its worth it. Worth every moment I got to tell her she is loved. Worth every moment she taught me to love without fears.  It isn't perfect and I am excited to see how much we learn and grow in this process, but for this goodbye I am thankful that the Lord showed up in His way and confirmed that this life isn't about me, its not about my kids, its about Him and what he can do through us and how He changes us in the process.