Sweet little lady M has really started to open up. Something has changed in her smile, she hasn't had nightmares like she had in the past, and she is loving on baby N and she spends a lot of her day giving me hugs and wanting to snuggle. Court has extended her time here. Our trial date isn't until end of August so she should be with us at least until then. End of August seems like a lifetime away. Its hard to understand how slow the system works, but I know behind the scenes a lot of things need to happen to know that it is safe for kids to return home. So I will continue to do my job, to love on her, pray over her, and teach her what true love in family looks and feels like. She is definitely thriving and I love to see it. Ever since she arrived at our house she has been one tough cookie. She never cries over getting hurt. She also always wants me to tickle her like I do my kids but she never squirms and ends up forcing herself to laugh. I never questioned it until I wondered if she has just turned herself off to touching. I have heard of many kids in trauma situations that in order to cope they turn off that part of them. So I wonder if thats what she has done. Breaks me heart and so now I pray over time she can turn her sense of feeling on, if that is what she has done.
We had a huge answer to prayer break through yesterday. I picked up sisters before church yesterday to enjoy the day together. Little lady M still had some emotional moments through the day, but overall she was enjoying herself. We spent most of the day at the pool, where her sisters I think had their first experience at truly swimming. It was so fun to watch their fears of water turn into delight and fun. When we were leaving my sister in law, (who is in town for the month with her family, praise Jesus!) and I were praying over the goodbye, praying that little lady M would feel peace in knowing she would see them again soon. I said it was time to go and her middle sister started crying a bit and I encouraged her to wait until we got in the car to cry as not to upset little lady M. We started to walk out and pure sweetness little lady M says happily "Good bye see you next time!" and runs to the window to watch us leave. My heart wanted to burst with happiness knowing that she is finally comfortable at our home and these visits don't bring pure trauma and sadness to her.
So its funny how God works. I started writing this blog post on Monday of last week feeling like my life was pure chaos. I stopped writing it right before talking about Little Lady M's sisters. Well my sister in law, brother in law and sweet little boy came in town last tuesday to help me out since Rob is out of town for two weeks. Seriously such a blessing. Well like I said I have been emotionally exhausted with big court dates coming up, trying to finish out my kids homeschool year, and just life in general and Thursday I get a call. I sneak up to the playroom as to be able to hear the lady on the phone. "Yes this is Lindsey". Well after about 5 minutes of pleasantries and talking about how sad it was that those boys last week had to sit in DSS due to not having any place to stay she says "Well speaking of which we have been bombarded today with kiddos and babies and are drowning. Any chance you could take a 5 month old?" Silence..... Robs out of town for another 9 days in India so there is no way to call and ask him his thoughts... I stand and say a prayer that the Lord would guide me to a no if thats what I can't handle, but everything in me kept saying, we have a crib, we have an extra spot in my car, alright Lord show up here! "Well ok I guess that would be fine, but can we take it a week at a time until my friend gets approved and maybe move him if need be". "Yes Lindsey we will try our best" (Now I know placement workers are like used car salesmen, they will give you the moon as long as you take a child, so I am not holding my breath for what I asked for). "He is at a foster home right now and has been since monday, but we have to move him because he is out of county and they are requiring us to move him, worker doesn't have time today to get him so she will bring him by tomorrow. Is that ok?" "Sure."
I walk down the stairs and look at Brittany and kind of laugh. Well, I tell her, as crazy as life is right now a new baby is coming tomorrow. I mean all you can do is laugh at that point. And as I tell Brittany it may make Rob think twice about getting put on trips since every time he leaves out of town I have gotten a call for a kiddo! I guess thats a way to get them to stay home ;-) So Brit and I bask in our last evening before baby boy arrives.
Friday comes and we rush back from our last day at our cottage school to our worker close behind. I put my kids down for a nap, knowing she is only minutes away. She walks in to my house with this beautiful baby boy. I take her from her arms and he squeezes my neck so hard and gives the biggest hug, my heart almost bursts. We sit at the table signing paperwork and looking over notes from previous foster mom. I at this point don't even know and still don't know why he is even in care. While she is there Baby N's mom and grandma walk in for her visit that day. I give a quick smile as I finish up with the worker and explain to her why baby N's mom is here and how we do visits. She looks at me and says "now that is what foster care should look like". I answer back yeah thats my prayer, that we get some amazing families to take over foster care and change your expectations. Worker leaves me with this little boy in my arms. I look over at baby N's mom who is staring at me. "You mean your not babysitting that baby? Did you take ANOTHER baby in? Are you crazy?" ha! yeah I guess I am, but who could say no to his little dude. She just laughs knowing me, and knowing that yes my life is a little crazy.
Well the first day with Baby K really went smooth. Sweet Izzie woke up from her nap and walks down the stairs seeing baby K in the bumbo seat and yells in pure excitement "MORE BABIES!" Which right there was an answer to prayer because I wanted my kids to be excited and happy, not annoyed we have another kiddo in the home. Each one just loved on him like crazy and couldn't help but be excited. He slept pretty well the first night. He is still getting used to formula, since his mama breast fed, which always breaks me heart that she is at home longing for her baby emotionally and physically. The past three days have been as smooth as can be with 6 of my kids and 1 nephew in the home. 7 kids 6 and under looks and feels crazy, but the kids have done so well and have had such sweet attitudes.
Saturday morning was a beautiful day. Brittany and I took the babies early in the morning and went out to the garage sales (thank you Glenn for holding the fort for the morning! rockstar!). We can back and just enjoyed the morning in the front yard. I loved watching the kids play, the babies on the blanket, while enjoying an Iced Chai. It was almost lunch and Allie comes up to me asking if we could have a picnic. I tell her sure just to give me a minute so I can finish feeding the baby. She says "no mom its ok, I'm going to do the picnic" and she hops up the front stairs. Allie brings a blanket out spreads it in the yard and heads back inside. She comes out about 30 minutes later and says lunch is ready. Jake helps serve as they bring down everyone a plate that has a peanut butter and honey sandwich and slices of banana with a dollop of peanut butter on each on. She proceeds to serve everyone and the kids all sit and eat lunch. Afterwards she cleans up the plates and her mess in the kitchen. When she walks out I give her a hug and tell her how thankful I am and how sweet it was of her to do that for me. She says back to me "You're welcome mom, I was just trying to be helpful". That sweet girl has such an amazing servant heart, that in the midst of being the oldest and me demanding much more of her since getting more kiddos the Lord shows me that He is working in her heart and that He is doing much greater in this time of craziness.
We have successfully made it to the pool and church. I am so thankful that Brittany and Glenn are in town because they are amazing helpers and I truly could not have and probably would not have done it without them here. My minutes look crazy, but the days look full. I have no idea what the rest of this month hold, or what the placement looks like with Baby K, but right now in this moment I have peace and I know that the Lord has put me here in this moment for His purpose.
Today is a big day. The court has accepted baby N's moms appeal and we go in to decide if he will be transitioned slowly back with his mom. As you know I have fought for her for the last 4 months. My heart is all in. This past week has been rough, trying to decide if she is ready and if at this moment it is what is right. I don't think I will ever know what is truly right, but I do know that she has fought her darndest and is doing everything she can to get him back. So I sit here praying over this appeal. My fears creep in over his life, but I know that the Lord fills the gaps. My heart loves this baby boy as if he was my own, but he is not. This mama birthed him and is fighting for him, so as much as it hurts I fight with her and I pray that the Lord takes hold of this families heart and changes the cycle.
I was at a foster care appreciation lunch and recruitment event and a mom looks at me and says "do you like chaos?" I kind of laugh back and think does anyone like chaos? I like to be comfortable just like everyone else. I like easy days that I don't raise my voice, that my kids all get along, that I am able to sit down for 3 meals, that I'm able to spend individual time with each child, but that comes with a cost. It costs these sweet kids lives to live in a home that loves Jesus and loves them as they should be loved. If I chose a life of ease and less chaos I am costing baby N, little lady M, and Baby K to not be loved in this home for this moment in this time and I don't think the cost is worth that.
So thanks for prayers and keep them coming we need them around here!
And I'll end with what a lady said in my luncheon that I fully believe.. "foster care is only as good as the families in it". Change starts with Foster families raising the bar, raising the expectations and changing the system. Lets bring change.
For them. Because they are worth it
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