Celebrating birthdays I never expected and first mommy's.

Yesterday was another first for me. I sound like a new mom. I sometimes feel like a new mom. All of these firsts are new and different. Just like anything new sometimes they are amazingly beautiful and sometimes they are a painful learning process. We have had a lot of painful ones lately, but thankfully yesterday was amazingly beautiful. We had baby N's mom over to celebrate her 21st birthday.  To say my kids were excited would be an understatement. They asked about 100 times that day when she was coming so we could celebrate. All the kids made cards for her and helped set everything up. I love watching kids excited to see someone else turn a year older. In their childlike hearts they see a new year as exciting, unchartered territory, a chance to be something different as they are a new number year. Unfortunately as we have gotten older we see turning a new year as a negative thing, as getting old or aging, as just a day like every other day and we fail to see it as a beautiful thing. Watching the joy in my children's eyes I wanted and hoped her 21st year would be a beautiful thing. It would be a year full of all His fullness of joy, peace and love. I want her to kick 20 in its tail and welcome the newness of 21.
She came over and we sang happy birthday, she blew out candles, we enjoyed some cake, and the kids gave her our cards and presents. We then went out and enjoyed a dinner together with the whole gang.

If you were to tell me when we purchased our kitchen table that one day we would be sitting around it with my 3 beautiful biological kiddos, 2 amazing foster kiddos and a beautiful birth mom I would have laughed and told you it wasn't possible because birth moms aren't allowed at foster parents houses. Well a lesson in what's possible with The Lord, nothing is impossible so don't limit what He can do.
"Lord you're bigger than my wildest imaginations so I will pray for big things. Things that only you can do. You have already worked in incredible ways this year so I pray you will finish what you have already started. I pray that this young woman would see her worth in You. She would know that she is greatly loved by a God whose love is perfect and that overflows. I pray that her 21st year is full of your Joy, Your love, Your peace, Your comfort, Your fulfilling and just You. Overwhelm this relationship so that it is so apparent that You are in control. Thank you for moving and molding every moment in your hands."

Little lady  M has been with us for 5 months now. It has definitely been a learning process with her. She has grown in leaps and bounds in the last 5 months and I love to watch it. We have poured over her daily with prayer, love, and snuggles in hopes she would know what love should look at feel like. Over the last few weeks she has started to tell me how much she loves me. Probably every hour she tells me she loves me and asks me if I love her. She is definitely processing this confusing world around her, but has started to see specks of our love and hopefully more importantly Gods love. I know her mom loves her so much and we speak of her love often but I also know in her family love wasn't always shown in a healthy manner so I want her to know what love it supposed to look and feel like. After a few months I think she has started to understand it. Love doesn't hurt, it isn't painful, love is kind, love is comfort, love is peace. So as we go throughout out day she will often stop and say "I love you so much, do you love me? " I look down at her beautiful brown eyes and bend down kiss her cheek and say "yes beautiful girl, I love you so much." Her response is often, "why? Why do you love me?" At first I stopped and wondered how to answer that question. It's true, I have loved her since she walked in our door. She didn't earn it. She did nothing for it. It probably doesn't make sense to her. I just love her. "Because God loves you first and He has given me a love for you. So now my heart loves you so much." She quickly smiles and runs to play the next thing. There I look and I see Jesus. I see His love that is greater than the world can explain. I see Jesus in a little 3 year old girl with beautiful brown eyes and long beautiful hair reminding me that yes Jesus just loves me. I did nothing and can do nothing to earn it. He just loves me unconditionally.

Little lady M was sitting at the table this week and she's says to me. "Can Allie and Izzie be my sisters and Jake be my brother? So then I have lots of sisters and one brother?" "Sure sweetheart we are family and they can definitely be called your brother and sisters." "Oh ok!" She pauses thinks for a second, "Can I call you mommy? I have a mommy, but can I call you mommy too." I look at her sweet face and smile, " yes love, a mommy can be anyone who is caring for you. If you want to call me mommy that is always ok". She smiles, hops off her chair, kisses me on my cheek, "ok mommy!" she says, and runs to play. She still mostly calls me miss Lindsey and then sometimes smiles and calls me mommy. This is definitely new territory, but it is beautiful. It is a journey full of bumps and sometimes huge mountains but then in a moment the sun rises, you look behind you and see His light and the mountains are no longer defined by pain but by beauty.

Feed the hungry,

and help those in trouble.

Then your light will shine out from the darkness,

and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.

isaiah 58:10