Girls clothes up to the attic and boys clothes come down.....

So I was intending this week to write a blog about Izzie turning 2 or our eventful week of the first broken bone of our children, but then we were thrown back into this journey. Before I dive back into this whole thing let me go back 6 days.
We celebrated Izzie's 2nd birthday last weekend. We didn't throw a big party, but all that girl was pumped about was the cake. She sat at the table staring at her cake for probably an hour. It was so cute. Izzie is seriously the funnest two year old I know. She is very independent and loves her siblings. I am waiting for the stinker to come out like it did with her sister, but so far I just am loving watching her dance, build and play with the kids on the street. I can't wait to see how the Lord uses this sweet little girl that is growing up right before my eyes. 

Then Thursday rolls around. Today was appointment day. I was dreading it. 

Dentist- 10:00 Allie

Dentist - 10:30 Jake

Ortho appt- 1:30 (directly during the nap times of my two youngest)

Off to the dentist we go. This will be Jakes first dentist appointment so I was unsure of how he would react to the whole thing. Thankfully Allie went first. I get Jake set up in the corner with a school workbook, izzie on a chair with my photos on my iPhone. Allie got cleaned. 

Jakes turn. He goes to the next chair, Allie gets set up in her chair with a workbook and Izzie starts to walk back and forth to their chairs. Jake was a trooper. He got his X-rays, teeth cleaned without making any fuss, as if he had done it 10 times already in his life. Deep sigh of relief from me. 

We walk out of the dentist office without anyone crying, pulling on cords they weren't supposed to, or refusing said dental work. Score. 

We of course had to make our way to starbucks next door for a celebratory hot chocolate and milk steamer, but it couldn't of happened without one of them dropping them on the way out making us have to get back in the line to get another one (thankfully they gave it to us for free). 

I'm looking at the clock and we have one more errand to run before the ortho appt. I'm realizing I didn't pack lunches and now we have no time to return home. I start off for my new favorite lunch spot for sandwiches when Izzie falls asleep in the car. Chick Fil A drive thru it is. We rush to doctors appointment I unload the kids, wake up izzie and walk into office. "Oh ma'am this isn't the right doctors office. You need to drive down the road.....". Load. Back in the car. Drive. Unload. Enter doctors office 5 min late. 

As you read monday was court day, but what also happened was Allie broke her arm falling off her skateboard. She has been such a rockstar through the whole thing. Actually she said to me today. "Mom I really like having a broken arm because everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and its kinda fun having people care about me". I hear ya girl we all love to know that we are cared. She has been in a soft cast until now. Today was hard cast day. Rob and I have been selling hard casts to her like crazy, since we are going on a week beach vacation on Sunday and were not wanting her to be sad about how annoying it was going to be in the pool and on the beach in a cast. We arrive to the orthopedic doctor and find out that they have these new cast/brace things that they mold to your arm and can be removed and worn in the water! Seriously a gift from God in my book. Allie then looks at me with her sad eyes and says "mom I really want the cast that my friends can sign". Oye. This girl doesn't get the negatives of the cast since we have been selling her on all the GREAT things. Well now we are in a pickle. I look at the doctor with the, listen here doc we need this amazing new thing you are offering but we need to sell it hard. He looks at Allie and says "Oh you know what? My friend had one of these and you can buy these cool silver pens and your friends can still sign it AND then you can have it when you are done!" SOLD. 

Is this not so cool? So heres my brave girl who never flinched or batted an eye when they manipulated her broken wrist. The mama left one happy lady. 

So its now 3:30. Jake and Izzie are so over playing Eye Spy in every doctors office we come to. Me? I'm starving. I have yet to eat my lunch and I am not one that does well hungry. I knew we were hitting our limits. 

We walk out to the car load up and I look back at my kids surprised at how easy the day had gone. 

3:50 - We head home, walk in the door, unload our junk and I head to the table to eat the salad that has been waiting in my car since 12. Allie is begging me to do this craft I had promised all day. Exact words "Allie as soon as I finish this I promise I will pull everything out and we will craft the rest of the day." Well people never promise anything. Hear me? Anything. I take one bite into my sandwich and I see that I had a missed call/voicemail. I listen to it. "Hello Ms. B****, We have a 2 day old baby boy waiting here in the office and we are really looking for a home for him. Can you call me back and let me know if you can take him. Thank you". 

Flood of emotions ride through me. Another baby? We leave sunday for a week vacation, where would he stay? Are we ready yet? Could this day get any busier? Okay Lord what are we to do? 

I call up Rob as I always do and explain to him and remind him that we may have a friend (an awesome one at that) that would maybe, possibly, take him for the week since she is also a foster mama, but I have to check with her. His response, "yeah sounds good". yikes. 

You see I really didn't think it would work with this vacation coming up and my friend being as busy as she is, but after talking with her, and her talking with her hubby they accepted! 

4:00 I called worker back and said we would love to have him. 

I look at Allie and tell her I'm so sorry, but we actually have to pick up a little because a new baby is coming. She didn't act mad or frustrated just said ok mom and started helping to pick up. My heart wanted to burst.

4:30 - worker called, 'can you actually come pick him up at the office?' my thoughts.. really you want me to load up my three kids that already have been drug around town all day? perfect. alrighty lets go. 

5:00- we arrive at DSS and wait in the parking lot for baby boy. I start praying to have my heart ready and willing to start loving on this boy. 

 Kids are pumped because I surprised them with putting a movie on in the car. 

We had been sitting for about 10 min when Izzie recognizes where we are. The last time we were here it was for baby Joys visit with mom. She starts looking all excited and goes "P here! P here!" A name she called baby joy by. No No I tell her she's not here we have a new baby to love. The longer we wait she says "come baby P, come come." My heart is so sad. 

About 20 minutes later worker comes and hands me new baby boy. We strap him in, sign papers and off we go. Izzie looks over at baby "baby P!" No little lady not the same baby... 

 6:30 we finally are home no dinner yet for the kids, yet not one complaint from anyone. we had dinner, fed baby, and tucked our three in bed. 

I finally sat down to take a breath and snuggle this bundle. 

Ok Lord I hear you it doesn't matter how busy I feel You make me able to push through and do more. As I look at this beautiful chunky cheeked little boy I'll be honest it makes me long for baby joy and opens up wounds that were little by little started to heal. I look at him and makes me wonder about her, but I want to be able to love him fully as I did her so I start to pray. Pray for a new heart, an open heart. One thats willing to cry and be torn over because thats what he deserves. Someone to fight for him and to love him as hard and deep as they can.
I lay here in bed looking at the bassinet that only stayed empty for 3 nights that is now filled with a new life, a new sweet breathing, squeaking little boy and I am thankful, overwhelmed, excited, scared, filled, heart broken and everything in between.
Round two. Lets do this.

Community

Community. I think we all long for it and seek after it in one way or another. Every time I move I long for my new community. A community that understands me for me and loves me in spite of it sometimes. One that I know I can count on in joys and sorrows. One that loves my family. One that will drop anything if I need them. One that can do life in all its messiness together. It sometimes takes a long time to find it, but the Lord always provides it for me. Every move I have found the most amazing community to surround myself with. Wichita, Belgium and now Charleston there are people that love me deeply and I love deeply and I am grateful. I'm grateful because today was a day that I really needed them. A day that I just couldn't do it on my own. 

So today was court day. The day I was dreading. The day I would hand baby Joy over to people that I don't know, relatives of hers that she has never seen, but are ones that are now the ones to care for her. I was anxious because I have never sat in a court room listening to people that are talking about a girl that I have loved like my daughter and deciding her life. We prayed for this day. That we would be surrounded by people that would pray over her and we would have joy in the day. So I invited two of my girlfriends over so our kids could play and we could "chat". I say "chat" because us moms know what that looks like. Its a little chaotic chatting. Between us we have 8 kids 6 and under. Running round, jumping on trampoline, dressing up, feeding lunch. But I love it. I love the crazy life of moms that we all can just sit and enjoy a salad in midst of chaos and just find joy in the fact it isn't just me. It isn't just my life that is chaotic and crazy, its just motherhood and its ok. I love to hear the kids laughing and playing. I love their little friendships. My friends came over to snuggle baby Joy and pray over her before she left and I was thankful. As you can imagine I was a little high stressed and emotional over court at 3:30. Fear of unknown. I was thankful to have friends to talk with and ones to speak truth to me. 

12:00-chaos begins.... Rob calls says, sorry because of this cold weather coming in the base is freaking out. I now have meetings at 3 and 4. Any chance you can find someone to watch kids while you are at court? - wow okay so now I need a friend to come to my house to watch my kids while they nap at the same time that most peoples kids are coming home from school. So I start scrambling. 

1:20 - Some kids were in front riding bikes with a mom out there. Kiddo comes in saying allie fell off her skateboard and needs me. I head outside to find Allie on the ground crying saying her arm hurts. I finally get her inside to the couch and is panicking. I immediately call a friend that is a pediatrician down the road and ask her to come by. She has two sick kids at home, but runs down anyways. After looking at it she says. Yup I'm guessing its broken. I call rob telling him so he immediately tells his boss he needs to go. "I'll be there in 20 min." 

Allie is panicking about having to go to the hospital and crying in pain and now I am realizing that I have yet to pack up baby Joy and have 1.5 hours till I have to go. I look around and one pregnant friend is cleaning my kitchen, one doing dishes and then feeding baby Joy all with a baby of her own on her back. Kids are picking up toys outside. Overwhelmed yet so thankful for community. 

2:00 - My neighbor friend says she will be at my house to watch kids for me. Rob shows up and brings Allie to hospital. This is a first broken bone for my kids and I am so sad I can't be there for Allie. So thankful Rob is in town. 

My phone is getting texts about every 5 minutes with friends/family all over saying they are praying for me and baby joy today. 

You can imagine my emotions at this point. Tears can't be held back. 

My friends head home and I put my two littles to nap. 

I take baby Joy to the bath. She loves the bath and I love to watch her love it. I lotion her beautiful skin and pray over ever ounce of her. Put her in this adorable outfit I just got her and put this beautiful headband on her made by one of those friends from my community here that I know has prayed fervently for her. 

I snuggle her close, breathe her in, cry tears over her. 

At this point I am so sad because Allie didn't get to say goodbye to her. In midst of chaos she wasn't able to. The only thing she has asked me through this whole thing was that she could say goodbye before she goes. I'm heartbroken. I called my friend and asked her to come a little early so I can run to the hospital to see Allie and let her say goodbye. She comes right over. 

2:40 - I head to the hospital and run in to see Allie. The little trooper was getting it wrapped and had the sweetest smile on. Rob pulled baby Joy out Allie gave her kisses said she loved her and goodbye. I rushed back to the car. 

3:30 I arrive at the courthouse. Put baby joy in my Moby because I just want to squeeze her for just a couple more minutes. I go through two metal detectors and everyone Oooo's and Ahhh's over how beautiful my baby is. I agree :) I walk up the staircase and there is the group of them. Birth mom, grandma, aunt, and Cousin (who is the relative baby will go to). They all fawn over baby joy. I smile and tell them how wonderful she is and how much we love her. I am greeted by social worker. Birth mom asks to hold her. And from then on baby is passed to every family member. We get called in to court where I listen to the rights of mom and of relative. That they agree to follow the guidelines that the court has laid out for them. I listen to them give rights to cousin and say that they will check back in 6 months to decide if mom is ready for her child. We walk out of the room. I give the cousin a bottle to feed baby joy. While she is sitting and feeding her I ask if I can say goodbye. I lean in and smother her sweet cheeks with kisses. That beautiful baby girl looked up at me with her big brown eyes and gives me the biggest SMILE. Everyone around was so shocked. I looked at her and thanked God. I knew it was Him letting me know that everything is going to be ok. He is there. He is with her always. I can trust in that. I walk down the stairs and walk past the metal detectors. The guard hollers out "Wheres that beautiful baby of yours???" I look back. "I no longer have her". My heart hurts and longs for her in my Moby. I get to my car and shed big tears. I cry for her. I cry for me. I cry for my family. I cry for all broken families, children without families, kids that don't feel loved by anyone. I cry for the kids that will be the next to fill our beds because that means that in this moment they are in trauma. That hurts my heart. The whole drive home tears fall down my face. I arrive home and two blonde kiddos come running to my car. "MOMMY!" They jump up and give me the biggest hugs. I look at them and can't help but feel joy. 

So now I sit and process. Process this day that is so hard to emotionally/mentally process. Did it hurt? Yes. Was I horribly sad? Yes. Would i do this again? Yes. If I don't who will. So I spend this time grieving baby joy, but knowing that my God is bigger and can accomplish His Will in all circumstances. He is not a God of fear but of power so I will rest on that. 

I look back on today and all I can think of is this amazing community that surrounds me. Neighbors, friends and family that love so well and so deeply. People that have entered this journey with us with an open and willing heart. Community that hurts with me, cries with me, helps willingly in the mess, and laughs in the chaos with me. Thank you for being my community I can't thank you enough. This journey wouldn't be the same without you and I only hope I am there for you like you are for me. 

Hebrews 10:23-25

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."

The New Chapter begins

I have decided to start blogging again. Its been a long time since I have blogged and I have never been very good at keeping up with it, but ever since this journey of foster care began I felt like I wanted a place to write my thoughts, experiences and heart. So here I begin afresh. I want to be able to look back and see where are family has grown, been challenged and where the Lord has answered prayers.
I'm not sure where to begin. I feel like this past year has been full. Thats the only word I can think of when I think of the year. FULL. We started our home study process last February. We actually began the process to be adopting through foster care. We took our classes and did our paperwork. A couple months past and many prayers later we felt led to switch to temporary foster parents. We felt like the need in the city was for foster parents. They are in dire need. Don't get me wrong I always have said all the same things as most people. I can't do it....
"I would love them too much to let them go."
"It would be too heartbreaking"
"I would get too attached"
"It would be too hard on my kids"
"I'm already busy with three young kids"
and every other statement normally made, but as I've learned and my grandpa always told me never say never.. We were left with the answers of.. If not us then who? The Lord has called us to care for orphans, and these children are the orphans of america. So there we were finalizing in adoption and now pushing paperwork to foster parents.. I had my fears but I felt so confident that this is what the Lord had called us to do. I bought a bunch of picture/kids books on foster care and started to talk with the kids about it. We knew that as soon as we were approved we would be getting kiddos. On we went with the many many many checklists they had for us.
Health Inspector - Check
Fire Inspector - Check
Home interview - check
paperwork filled out - check

It was now December, 10 months since we began, and we were waiting for a call from our worker letting us know that our paperwork was finalized. Wait Wait Wait thats the name of the game. So we waited, we prayed, we planned. I bought a triple bunk for all three of my kids so that we had a room for foster kids and a guest room. Yes you heard me a triple bunk. They love it! And look how cute!

Izzie was very excited to move to a big kid bed and I was happy I didn't have to worry about her falling out. We waited some more. On black friday I stocked up on baby supplies that I didn't have, such as bottles, another carseat and a double stroller. I started praying like crazy that we would get approved by Christmas. I knew that they took a break for Christmas so I was hoping it would be done by then. You know The Lord can be humorous at times. In the last hour on the day before christmas eve we got a call that we were finalized! Yay!! It was a huge answer to prayer. So we held on tight for a call for kiddos to be placed. In my mind, since working at the children's home, I was preparing for toddlers. Thinking we would be getting two 3 years olds or something.
We had a great Christmas with Robs parents, but Rob and I knew a call would be coming soon. Then four days after Christmas I got a call from placement asking if we would take a newborn African American girl. She didn't have much info. I talked with Rob and of course he said yes! I called her right back and said yes we would for sure take her. She was surprised we called back so fast. It was about 3pm. She said they weren't sure on her release from the hospital but would keep us informed. So a madhouse started in my house. I was thinking of when I had each of my babies, I wanted my house to be clean and germ free. Rob, myself, and robs parents strapped on our work boots and started working. Rob and I got all the baby stuff down from the attic and Jon and Ann started cleaning. My room was turned into a bedroom/nursery in about an hour. I got a call from a social worker stating she would be at our house in an hour. We waiting anxiously. I told my kids that we would be getting a baby at the house that just came out of her mamas belly so we needed to be very careful and keep our germs away. Excited was an understatement from them.
At 7:30 she pulled up in front of the house. I walked out to help her and in the carseat was this amazingly small precious little baby girl. She was beautiful. We brought her in along with the formula and things she brought from the hospital. Social Worker informed me that mom was very good when she was pregnant and took good care of her in the womb. No drugs. No drinking. So thankful. She is healthy. After getting our guardianship paperwork filled out she left. I had this 8 pound baby on my chest with such newness of life, it brought me to tears. My kids couldn't wait to get their hands on her. Before heading to bed they each had a turn holding her. The sweetness was just too much.

Kids headed to bed and I fed baby Joy (not her real name). I just love feeding babies. Something about watching a baby eat and snuggling it in your lap. mmmm. Joy was an angel baby from day one. It was the next day late afternoon when she made a grunting sound. Jake gasps, "mom, She makes noise!!". Needless to say she is a quiet baby. The first week was full of people visiting ooo'ing and ahhhing over her. Just as every baby should be in these first precious days. I was overwhelmed by Gods hand in it all. We were adjusting well as a family of four especially since she was such an easy baby. 

I made her well baby appointment for that week. I had the same excited emotions as with my own children when she had gained great weight and was given the 'she's healthy!" from the doctor. Since it was the holiday I hadn't heard from any workers so I had no idea what was going on in her case other than what the worker said that dropped her off, which was it wasn't looking good for mom and that she would probably be here awhile. We just knew for her sake we would be loving her as our own until told otherwise. 

Many people ask what we tell our children. I told them some mommy's aren't sure how to take care of their kids. Being a mommy is a hard job and so some moms need time and help in to how to take care of them. While they are learning that we take care of their babies, but sometimes mom's aren't ever ready and in that case we could keep them forever. Allie seemed to understand that. 

From the day she entered our home Rob and I prayed for her. First we prayed that she would always feel the love of God and that she is so beautiful to Him. Second that she would grow up with a family that loved her well. And lastly that things would move quickly for her since she has no trauma in her life yet. If she is staying with us permanently than it would move quick, but if she is moving with another permanent family that it would be decided quick so she would not be traumatized to leave. 

From the first week I started a journal for her. I wanted it to be a journal of prayers, blessings, and where she started. I am hoping to continue this for other foster children as they look back in life trying to fit the pieces that they can know without a doubt that while in this home they were prayed like crazy over and loved so very much. I asked others to write blessings over her to paste in her book. I hope and pray her family keeps it for her to see where she began. 

Three weeks in and we finally were scheduled for a visit with mom. It was happening on a thursday. Monday prior I got a call from social worker stating "We had a relative step forward. We are expediting the home study since we have court tomorrow. Baby joy could be leaving after court tomorrow at 11." I hung up the phone and my heart sunk. It felt like things were moving so fast, too fast to make sure all the boxes are checked and that she will be safe. I know we had prayed that things would move quickly but I was questioning at that point. All night and the next morning I was stressed and praying. Well 11:30 came around social worker called, "sorry we got the court date wrong it isn't until the 27th of this month so nothing will happen for two more weeks". Wow seriously emotional trauma in my world. Ok Lord I hear ya, you can move quickly if thats whats best.  

Thursday comes. Day to visit mom. This is a first for me. A first to visit a babies mom that I have been caring for since she left the hospital. A mom that I have prayed desperately over. I didn't know what to expect. I did something I probably shouldn't have which was put myself in her shoes. I was thinking how emotional I was after every baby I birthed and how I would feel if I hadn't seen my baby since she was born. A crying, emotional wreck. Thats what I prepared for. I walked into the social services office with baby in toe. Note to self. Don't go to the social services office if you want a feel good day. That place is one step away from being condemned. When you walk in the lobby the chairs are ripped to shreds, it smells funky  and there is a police man in front of the door to go back to the offices. Once escorted back the hallways are from a scary movie. Carpet is warn and there was a closet with no doors filled to the ceiling with carseats that looked disgusting. I hurried along with the worker as she led me to a visitation room. I stood there waiting for mom to come. Emotions running high. She walks in says hello. I introduce myself hand her baby Joy. She looks at her and says "wow you look just like your brother, and just like us." She walks past me with her grandma and sits in the seat. I walk out and leave baby joy. The meeting is for an hour so I make my way with Izzie to the coffee shop. We sit there processing what just happened. No tears. No emotions. Just like if a friend came over to meet her excitement. As I talk to another friend who is a foster mom and had two foster babies last year she gives her wisdom that I think is so true. We can not put ourselves in their shoes. We don't come from their life/culture. Foster care is a way of life for most of them. Most of them either have another child in foster care, a friend with a kid in foster care or they were in foster care. Its just life. As I soaked that in it made me so sad. Sad for them sad for the children. Sad for broken families. Not a day went by that I didn't want to contact mom and let her know that her baby was being loved and cared for so much. But come to find out it didn't seem like she was so worried about it, maybe assumed she was. I went back an hour later and Joy was in her carseat waiting for me. Mom looked at me and asked my name again. She said "Thanks Ms Lindsey for everything." Grandma turns to me "Yes thank you so much." I walked out thankful that we could look at each other and not judge one another just have the same desire and that is to love on this new baby girl. 

So here I am Friday the 24th. 3 days until court. Mixed emotions. Worker called and said they are 98% sure that she is going to relative after court on monday and to have her things ready. If this is what is right I am so happy for baby Joy that she is going to her permanent home so quickly. I feel beyond blessed that I have been her temporary mom from the day she left the hospital. Obviously my heart hurts, but it has caused me to pray more than I have ever prayed before. To depend on the Lord more than I have ever had and to know that He is bigger and stronger than I could ever imagine. So we soak this angel in. Soak in her sweet breath on my chest. Soak in her new baby gaze. To have confidence that the Lord grants peace in hard times. As she gazes into my eyes, the only ones she has known as mom, and follows my voice when I talk I know that God heals broken hearts. I am thankful beyond anything that she has been our first foster baby. The newness of her for me was Gods promise that He brings new life, new promises, new joys to our lives every day. He grants blessing in hurt and growth in trials. I am thankful for this journey and excited to see where the Lord takes my family.    

Now I pray as she leaves our family that she goes from here always knowing the love of Christ and that He surrounds her with His safety and protection. 

72 hours left. I can already feel my heart hurt. 

3 days.