Our past does not need to define us.

This year is definitely a year of firsts. I knew as we started 2014 with our first foster baby girl that it would be a year of new experiences, stretching, growing and learning. Today was another first. In the state of South Carolina every 6 months a child is in care they do what is called a Foster Care Review Board. Honestly when I showed up I had no idea what would go on during this review. I just knew I was asked to attend so I went. 

I showed up at the requested time and got escorted back to a very small room with a large table and probably 13 people sitting around it. The board has baby N's file in front of them and has read it front to back. Throughout the meeting they get everyones opinion on the case, what we have seen, what we know, what type of mom we think she is, what we think should happen. Because of confidentiality I can't discuss her case, but I can say that on paper she has come from a rough history. They asked me what I thought and my experience of her and baby N. I got to speak up for who I believe she is becoming and the mom she is to baby N. The fact that she is always there, very consistent, loves her son and is doing everything in her power to get him back. I see a heart of a mom who longs to be with her son, someone who has made mistakes, but is desperate to make better choices. Someone who goes out of her comfort zone so that she can do what is best for him. After about an hour we are asked to leave as they discuss the case. After 20-30 min we are pulled back into the room and thats when we got the blow. The board has 1/3 say in the case, DSS has 1/3, and guardian et litem has 1/3 then the judge has the final say. They look at us and say yes she is doing all she can and making all the right steps, but we just can't get past her past, because of that Termination is their recommendation. They look at her and say keep working though because it can change and the other groups can recommend something different. Heaviness filled my heart.  As I sat there listening to these people discuss who she was years ago, mistakes she made, fears they have yet not knowing her at all, never spending one moment with her or baby N, all I could think about is standing before the Lord with all of my own garbage written on paper, all my prideful, jealous, mean, selfish thoughts and actions written on paper. The Lord reading everything out loud for me to hear, my heart breaking at my sinfulness knowing what I deserve for it and feeling like that is what defines me. But Amazingly the Lord looks at me and reminds me that because of Jesus those things do not define me, the only thing that defines me is Jesus. Jesus came to die so that I am not defined by my mistakes, I am given a do over and whats even more amazing is He is there to guide me during my do over. Today baby N's mom was defined by her past, but I know she is not defined by that and I pray that one day she can see and know that she is defined by something greater, that Someone sees her as a beautiful creation capable of wonderful things. Now I pray she continues to step forward in midst of discouragement and continues to fight because this sweet baby next to me is worth it and he needs her. 

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
    because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
    blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt.
    Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion;
    it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
    I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
    and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—
    yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb,
    teaching me wisdom even there.

7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
    you have broken me—
    now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
    Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
    Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
    and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.

13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
    and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
    then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
    that my mouth may praise you.

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
    You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.