Beauty in healing and attachment

Many times weeks have past where things have been on my mind that I wanted to blog about, but I haven't had the mental energy to make sense of them. Today I want to attempt to put things down to update those wondering where we are in the process with our twins and to encourage those in the trenches. First of all mountains were moved to get the girls in our van with us as we drove out of South Carolina saying goodbye to the place that will always feel like home to me. As you have read in previous posts, there was a clause found in the foster care manual that allowed our girls to move out of state despite the fact that they are still in foster care in South Carolina. So now we are South Carolina foster parents approved in Alabama with South Carolina foster daughters in our home. Yes it is just as confusing to me, but I am so thankful the Lord allowed the doors to be opened. We not only drove out with our twins, but we had 3 other passengers in tow. Those that have followed our journey over the last 3 years will know of the beautiful mom we prayed fervently for named Chantel. Baby N was our second foster son who we were able to reunify home back in November of 2014. After the Lord led us to invite her to Alabama with us so we could help with her boys as she went to school, she said yes so herself, Nate and her baby Karter packed up and headed out of South Carolina as well. Many unknowns were out there, but we knew that the Lord leads and the Lord equips so we continued to walk knowing the Lord would provide wisdom and understanding to the whole situation. 

July 1st we arrived here and I think its been a fog since. Unfortunately, we found out that Alabama won't accept any of our home study so we are now attending the 10 week classes to get reapproved here. Also there is absolutely no update on the girls' case. Sadly, the social services department are living up to the many opinions of the public. We are still waiting on them to schedule our Termination of Parental Rights trial, until then we continue on our day to day life waiting for the day we get to call the girls forever ours. 

 I am thankful to say that our attachment to the girls has grown immensely over the last 4 months. Prayers have been answered of us seeking desperately for the Lord to place a love deep in our hearts for our girls, a love that honestly takes time and work of the Holy Spirit. For those who have been on the adoption/foster care journey or are on it right now you understand the attachment issues that come with it all. People on the outside have a hard time understanding it as they say “Oh they are so cute. Oh what a beautiful family” when inside the 4 walls of your house it feels like a war zone. It feels like you are crumbling with the screaming, temper tantrums, and anger that exists in the tiny traumatized bodies that surround you. Many days you end in tears thinking, I can not do this, I am a failure, I do not know how to parent traumatized children. I want to tell you friends, I was there. There were many parents that had been in the trenches that kept telling me they had been there and there is healing in it all. I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe them. I often said well thats not going to happen to me, our situation must be different. I came to a point where I told myself that I needed to be ok if things never changed, if I never truly attached to the girls, if the girls behaviors were always big and loud, if I was always scared to go into public concerned of what sensory things would send them into a tailspin. Rob and I had truly made our peace with it. I think we had to go through that process of being ok if things never changed, to be content with where we were, because it was in that moment that we were able to love them as they were not love them in hopes of who they would become. Little by little without me even realizing they started to grow, mature, and change. We would enter into situations where they would have normally ended up being overwhelmed and we would drive away saying “wow the girls did so great, they actually had fun and I even had fun”. Soon it was 50% of the time they would be great, slowly it went up and up until now more often times than not they have beautiful behavior. Since moving here and people not knowing the girls when they first came into care they do not believe us when we speak of their past behaviors or fears. They can not imagine them as they were and that truly amazes me. Yes, life still feels chaotic at times, that comes with having 6 kids, but now my girls more often than not display normal 4 year old behavior. 

Friends that are in the trenches, healing will come, attachment will come, days of joy and normalcy will come, I know because we are on that other side looking back thinking, did we really just come that far? Did the Lord really just move mountains that felt impossible to move? Do I really look at my girls and think I can not imagine life without them? Do I get all mama bear when someone has mistreated them? A year ago I could not imagine those feelings, I did not think it would happen, I often called out to God through tears and fears, but in all honesty didn’t know if I believed change could happen. I had to lean on so many friends and families prayers of faith and trust knowing that God could and would heal. Life is certainly not perfect here, and it never will be, I fail many times a day, I get easily angered or frustrated, tears of overwhelmed emotions still come at times, yet all of this comes with a foundation of hope and joy and that my friends is a beautiful place to be. I want to need God every day. I never want to get to a place where I think I can do it all on my own. Today I know that there is no way I can do this journey on my own and I am so very thankful. I am thankful for the moment I learned to love my girls as they were because we are called to do that to everyone around us. Love them as they are not for who you hope they become. Keep on keeping on and always step into the scary yeses because its in those that we find Jesus. 

To my twins.

My Twins, Today was just a normal day for you as you woke up and got dressed in the rush we were in. You didn't see my heart get  so frustrated at you birth mom, mad that the trauma you were in a year and a half ago still effects you today. As you cried over not being able to take your Jammie's off and resorting back to thinking  you were all alone with no one to help, part of me wanted to hate her. I lost my sympathy and kindness and was just mad. Mad I had to look into those beautiful tearfilled eyes and tell you that I am here and will always help. As the truth sunk in for the 500th time I saw the light back in your eyes as you sniffed and said "mama can you help me please?" We changed your clothes went downstairs and started your day. Today you had no idea that while  you were in preschool  I was leaving for a meeting. You had no idea that at that meeting I sat next to your mom. Your mom that I got so frustrated at this morning but as I looked into her brown eyes that remind me of the ones I look at everyday  my heart broke again for her. It broke for her sadness and brokeness. You didn't know that during the meeting I told a review board about you, about how much you have grown physically and mentally, how strong you have become over the last 16 months. How well you piece into our family and that we would adopt you into our family forever. But you also didn't see the tears in your birth moms eyes as she said how hard life is for her right now and how much she misses you, that 16 months is a long time to not see her children. I couldn't tell you that afterwards I hugged her and told her we love her so much and even though we said we would adopt you that doesn't mean we don't hurt for her and love her deeply. That tears filled my eyes as I looked into hers and said I was sorry. Sorry that it has come to this. You also didn't hear her say that she knows you are being loved and cared for and for that she is so thankful.  As I came back to school  and you ran and hugged me shouting "mama!" I was holding back so many  tears. Tears of joy and heartache. Tears of joy that I am the one that gets to be called mama but so much sadness as I think of your birth mom going home to another empty house not being able to see what amazing girls you are becoming. I couldn't tell you how so very hard these days are for me. How hard it is to sit in these review boards and balance speaking truth and being loving and respectful to the woman who gave you life. I couldn't tell you these things because you don't even know that you are "foster kids" you only remember life as my daughters. . All this messiness doesn't touch you right now and I am so so thankful. The pain for almost 3 years your endured is more than you need for a lifetime. So today I will take on whatever messiness and pain so that you can go about your day playing, giggling and learning. My sweet girls keep growing, healing and laughing and know that we are fighting so hard for you.

With Jesus expect the unexpected...

First of all thank you for your sweet encouraging messages and prayers. This journey has taught me more than any other season of my life. Jesus has shown up through the community around me and it has been amazing to see. Thank you for your concern for our family and the support you pour out.
Over the last few weeks as our move date approaches closer and closer I hear the question "what is happening with the girls? Have you found out if they can move with you?" I realized so much has happened the last two weeks that I needed to update the so many praying for us and also put out much needed information for other foster families in this situation.
Let's go back 3 weeks ago. I got a message from a fellow foster mama friend saying she just read the foster parent handbook where she found a section titled "SC foster parents moving out of state with foster child". It was as if the Lord had placed the answer right in front of us. In the section it didn't tell in what situations it's allowed or how to go about it. I picked up the phone and gave my supervisor a call. I told her what we found. Her answer "oh wow I don't think I knew we had a handbook. Ok I will make a few phone calls and don't you worry I have it under control". Now I don't like to talk bad on social workers. They have one of the hardest jobs, but they also have way too many kids on their case loads which normally means they forget things often. I hung up the phone expecting her to forget and me to have to call back in a week to be the squeeky wheel. 5 days later my phone rang, "Mrs. B?" Yeah that's me "Yes this is Ms F. I have called Columbia and asked about your move. They told me what we need to do on this end and turn all the paperwork in 45 days prior to your move. It looks like everything should be good". I hung up the phone amazed. Amazed that the social worker was on the ball. Amazed that Columbia gave a verbal ok. Amazed that this strange clause was written out as if just for us. Tears came to my eyes as I realized the Lord was giving the girls back to me. What I am learning on this journey is that we need to live with out hands open wide ready to not only receive but also give up. Sometimes when we give up He shows up in an amazing way and sometimes He gives the gift back. I am learning that I am not in control of my life. We often have this false sense of control. Thinking if we only do this then that will happen. If we only do this thing our kids will be safe. If we only stop doing that our family will be ok. When any day life can change no matter what we do. God is the only one in control. He is the one who is our constant. In midst of joys He is there, in midst of pain He is there, in midst of our darkness He is there. The moment I released my girls to the Lord and said You know what is best for my children, ALL my children. I trust you. Slowly slowly my hands opened, it hurt, there was fear, but those fingers opened one by one releasing my death grip on what I desired. As I stand before Him with my hands open He fills them with Himself and in this moment after the phone call there is a quiet "in this moment I pick you. I pick you to love these girls. You are what's best in this moment". Through my tears of thankfulness I won't lie there is still fear. Satan loves to put fear in our hearts. Fear that I don't know if I can do this. Fear that I am not enough for them. Fear of what our future looks like. Yet one thing I have been told and what I have read is that fear never comes from the Lord so I quickly recognize that those thoughts are not of Him. I stand in my living room turn my favorite bethel music station on and worship. I stand and worship the one who gives us good gifts, praise the one who gave back what I gave to Him. Praise the one who writes the most beautiful stories.
So what now?
We still wait for the girls trial for termination of rights so we can finalize adoption, but in the meantime we will take our verbal ok and move forward to move the end of June. If all goes well we will still be foster parents in South Carolina but we will be living in Alabama until adoption happens. Thank you for your prayers and I ask you to continue to pray that everything goes smoothly. That all our paperwork goes through and there aren't any loopholes in the end. Continue to pray that we bind together as one family and can understand each other's needs.
We are on our first family "vacation" (a trip that doesn't involve a holiday). We are all very excited. Stops with friends, a wedding, and then Disney! Thankful for time away to be together.

We never know the future... we never truly know what is best.

Friends this week has been exhausting, not physically but emotionally and spiritually. I have a hard time putting into words what my heart has been through this week, but for myself and others going through this process I feel I need to write it down. As my last post says we were thinking our trial was this week until last Monday when I got a phone call. A phone call that would grip me, a phone call telling me that we actually don't have a trial next week and there is no trial on the docket for the future because the social worker has yet to finish the paperwork. Also that mom can appeal the trial and the appeal normally takes 8 months. I hung up the phone and cried. I texted/voxed friends and family asking them to pray. I called my husband telling him what happened and just asking him to pray. My kiddos when down for a nap I laid down on my living room floor and cried and prayed. I asked the Lord why? The timeline was so perfect. Trial would happen, our adoptions court would be scheduled and then we would drive out end of June. Why would He not be allowing this to happen. Overwhelmingly He poured Himself on me asking me "You have told people for the last 8 months that you have peace about their future, that I got this. That I have it all worked out for their good. That you have no control over it and I do. Why does one phone call change that?" I then realized how true that was. He does have their future, He will work out all the court systems. I got up and thanked the Lord for His peace and started our chores around the house.

A few hours past when the Lord was nudging my heart asking me "What if I do have their best planned out and it isn't what YOU think is best? What if my best isn't you? What if I do have their future but their future isn't you? Do you still trust me? Do you still believe?" It was then I realized that I was telling the Lord what I thought was best, I was praying my timeline over them. Obviously the girls have been with us 15 months so I naturally assumed what is best is that they stay with us forever, that we adopt them and I have been praying that everything would go as I planned. I hadn't been asking the Lord what their best was. I hadn't surrendered them to the Lord asking Him to do what was His best. As their middle mom I believed I knew their best, but what if as moms we really don't know what is best for our kids. Was I willing to give up what I thought was best for what the Lords best was, even if that meant that they weren't with me? This is both a painful and humbling process. One, asking the Lord why I wouldn't be whats best? and then asking what His best is? Its been an Abraham and Isaac situation. If you have never read that story it is worth a read. Its found in Genesis 22. Long story short Abraham was called by God to offer up his son. His son that they had prayed many years for. As Abraham and his son made the trek to the alter and as he placed his one and only son on it God called down telling him to stop. He told Abraham He now knew that he was willing to follow even when it was painful, costly and didn't make sense. So then here I was, at a point where the Lord is asking me, do I believe even when it is painful, costly and really doesn't make sense? Do I believe that He has what is best for them in mind? Does He love them abundantly more than I do? Is He a Good Good Father to them? Although painful my answer was yes. Yes Lord. In that moment I had to surrender them to the Lord, surrender their future. So what does that mean as we move forward? It means that I fight like heck for these girls because as their middle mom that's what we do. So I will fight for this trial to move forward as soon as possible. I will fight with my whole being that we are their future, but I hold it ever so lightly in my hands. I also recognize that if the Lords will is for them to be in our family forever He will need to do a miracle, which also shows me that we will have an amazing story to tell them, that the Lord picked us just for them, because He moved mountains to put them here. I am so ready for mountains to be moved, for Jesus to do miracles, for this beautiful story to be written. Yes fear can grip me many times throughout the day. When these beautiful girls walk up to me just to tell me they love me, when they ask about our next house, when they talk about turning older. Fear creeps in, but so quickly I am reminded by His peace that He has them and He is bigger. Do I know He will give them back to me and allow me to be their forever mom? No I don't and thats scares the crud out of me, but what I do know is that if it isn't me the Lord has something even better planned. I can't imagine anything better but I also don't know the full power and majesty of our God and I am thankful that He is bigger than my small perspective on life. I ask you to pray. Pray for these beautiful girls, pray that come end of June they are sitting in the back of my van with their bags packed, but truly in the end pray that they know that God is their perfect Father who has perfect plans for their beautiful life.

Trial date is set... Prayers are needed... Spring is in the air...

It is crazy to think we are nearing the end of February. I feel like the last two months have gone by in the blink of an eye, which for someone who is moving in 4 months can seem a bit scary especially when there is a whole list of things that need to get finalized by then. Last September, when I was in my post baby hormones 'oh my goodness I can't imagine moving/adopting' phase, I had a some deep prayers with the Lord. I told Him point blank I have so much on my plate I can not have the stress about court dates, adoption hearings, moving details in me and I released it to Him because lets be honest He is a lot better at working details than I am. I'm not sure why I doubted He would do it, but I can confidently say I have not worried or stressed about it since that prayer. His peace has surrounded me. 

Many people have asked when our next court date is... well we finally got our trial scheduled for the week of March 14th! I am writing to ask one thing of you that have supported my family so well and that is to pray. Pray over this trial. Pray for their mom. Pray for the lawyers involved. Pray for our twins. Pray for our family. This trial will determine if parental rights are terminated. This process is both joyous and so heartbreaking. Nothing is happy about a family being broken, so we do mourn that brokenness. Thankfully Jesus gave us a beautiful picture of adoption as He adopted us into His family and we pray that in the end we can celebrate these girls as adopted daughters. If the trial goes as social services is intending, which is to terminate parental rights, we then would have to wait 30 days to see if anyone will appeal and then we schedule an adoption hearing. So yes you are added it up right, we can't even attempt to schedule anything until end of April, that is if the trial in March goes as planned. This is why I am so thankful that He has a perfect plan and His timing is perfect. I am seeking after family and friends to pray. I would love this trial to be covered by His Spirit and leading. These girls and their siblings are deeply loved and we desire Jesus to be displayed in the whole process. Thank you for loving and supporting us so well and thank you for taking time to pour over us in prayer, it is deeply felt so often and we feel so blessed for our community of believers. 

In the waiting period we have been loving the weather warming up, spending time at the park and in the yard. All my three year olds turned 4 in the last month so now we have three four year olds, as Allie said "Mom it isn't as fun as saying 3 three year olds" but I am so excited for the next year of their lives, to watch them mature and grow into amazing little ladies. We continue making progress in school. Allie and Jake are such good examples of being diligent in their work and the little girls can see it. They wake up longing to do their school work. The four year olds started gymnastics and Tessa is quite the gymnast, I am excited to see how she flourishes in it. Josh is a chunk as all Beck babies are. He is just pure joy and sweetness to have around. Not surprisingly he is loving all new foods and wants to eat everything. He isn't crawling yet, which I am totally ok with! He is surrounded by a whole crew that loves him so very much. We are starting to wrap our mind around moving and trying to organize our house, which can be a task with so many little people under foot. Yet we anxiously look forward to spring. This season of new life popping up brings new meaning to us as we are looking forward to all our changes and new life. Once our trail is over I will update you all on future plans.