2 months old and 90 more days...

Court, meetings, visitations, more court. Foster care is a messy, emotional, crazy road, but the joys are sometimes overwhelming.
As I sit in a restaurant across from baby N's mom knowing its more than sharing a meal but about pouring into her life. I am telling her she is worth it, she is capable of change, who she was in her past does not define her, I see through the hardness and see a mom that loves her child. She sits there looking at me through her tears and I know that it will take more than those words for her to believe it to be true. Years of men telling her otherwise has given her skin thicker than I can fathom. Years of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and a life that I can not imagine has made her believe those lies of 'this is the best I can get, I'm not beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough' so now I know my role. To look at her eyes and tell her otherwise. Soon enough I pray that the only One that can truly break through that heart, Jesus, will allow her to see herself as the amazing, strong, capable mother I know she can be and He has created her to be. We get up from the table and go to walk to our own cars and I walk to her and give her a hug. I know it makes her feel uncomfortable, as if she doesn't deserve to be touched, but I stand there in the middle of the parking lot hugging her, not being hugged back by her, praying over her and telling her 'you are worth better, better than this life and I will keep telling you that until you believe it'.
I come home to sweet Baby N. I hold him in my arms and he looks up at me and smiles the biggest smile. My heart is overflowing with joy. Joy that only comes from the Lord. Thankful that He allowed my family down this road to pour into these lives, but in the end changes and molds my own heart. I have realized that foster care is so much more than caring for and attaching to this sweet baby. Foster care is about mending families, praying for the cycle to change and being willing to get our own hands dirty and our own hearts breaking.
I wish I could go into detail about how the courts work in this case and how ridiculous it all is, but unfortunately I can't. The courts are so broken, as is the system and it doesn't always go as it should.
I'll be honest I'm not sure the court system is going to do as I am hoping it does in this case, which is reunification. Court this past week didn't go as I was thinking was best, but the Lord is the only one who knows whats best. The judge ruled 3 more months with sweet baby N, but amazingly the Lord showed up by doing something that has never been done in DSS. The judge allowed Rob and I to be the ones to supervise the visits and actually made us a third party in the case, which means we get a say in court. The DSS worker doesn't have to be there so now we can choose where visits are. I can bring her into my home and we are required 6 hours a week to spend time together. 3 months to continue this relationship and speak truth in her life and not lies. I don't know what this year will look like, but I know even if its filled with broken hearts and trials there will be joy because the Lord has proven that He will show up in the most amazing ways.
So as sweet baby boy turns 2 months this week I will not take for granted every smile he gives me over the next 90 days.

A Must Watch

If ever you wondered about foster care this video is the best one I have seen. It shows so many aspects of foster care;
- Watching the violence in your home
- Caring for siblings
- Parents choosing the abuser over them
- Getting ripped from their home
-Getting separated from siblings
- Hard visits with parents
- Being sent to foster homes
- Being placed in bad foster homes
- Having all your belongings put in a garbage bag
- Getting put in good foster homes although they still don't understand why you respond the way you do
- Not knowing how to respond to emotions they have

and so many more. It is well worth the 12 minutes of your time. And if I understood the website correctly, this video won best short film and now is making a longer version. If thats the case I am excited to see what they put together. Bring so much more awareness to this large group of children that is greatly misunderstood.

To watch video click on link below.

http://vimeo.com/73172036

what to say....

I can't say details of things, but today was rough. You can see I am here snuggling baby N.
 2.5 hours of waiting in the court hall with workers, lawyers, parents and me. It was filled with a lot of disagreements, tears, and unfounded allegations. As I sat with mom, grandma and lawyer talking over her case figuring out what would be best I felt very odd. I was sitting with mom and grandma to support them yet I felt the social workers looking at me since I technically work for their offices. Definitely a strange place to be.
During court I sat in the pew in the back and listened to everyone talking and it took everything in me to not stand up and yell at government workers to start reading files and know what they are saying. It is crazy that people are allowed to stand up in court and state things that are crazy untrue and just say "oh sorry about that I was mistaken". I don't like to bash on social workers/attorney's because I know their case load is ridiculous and their job is so hard, but it drives me crazy when major things are overlooked because its families that fall through the cracks. I was very nervous when I walked into court because workers were stating no movement on baby N for at least 3 months.. thats not what we want.. but after many people were fighting for the truth in court (not the help of social workers) he is hopefully leaving us next week and moving in with grandma. He will be staying with us on the weekends while she is working since mom isn't approved yet. I'm thankful it will be a smoother transition for him and thankful I don't have to say a full goodbye too soon. It wasn't what I was exactly hoping for, but I find it a win since the goal is reunification soon. So for now I will enjoy this sweet boy on my lap, pray over his sweet life and thank the Lord for continuing to open doors to relationships. Thank you for your prayers today. I am truly thankful.

Beautiful life, Unchartered territory and a heart being full.

What a week. Court is tomorrow and emotions are high. Whats interesting is baby N's case is just so different then Baby Joys case. Emotions aren't high because I am afraid to leave him with his family, emotions are high because I am afraid I won't be. I know that I won't be handing him off that day, but I am praying and hoping that within the next week or two after court I will be. Unfortunately I am concerned that the workers are not going to give his family a chance, but my nerves are released when I see the Lord working in amazing ways through this case.

On thursday I went to this amazing gym. It is a Christian owned gym called NMotion. The class is called trinity and it is Spinning, weights, and stretching. The whole time they play worship music and have some verse that challenges you. As I was spinning and praying about baby N the thing that came to my heart was. "I make ALL things beautiful. It may not be beautiful through the worlds eyes, but it is ever so beautiful to Me. I will make this beautiful."

I got a call yesterday from a different type of worker, that I've never heard of, who says wants to have a conference with all workers and with baby N's family. Its like a round table where they all say what their opinions are about the case to decide what will keep baby N safest and then implement that. The worker said to me "I heard that you and baby N's mom have a really great relationship. This is unchartered territory for us, we have never had such a heathy relationship. We think it is so great and would love for you to be at this conference to let us know what you think about this case." Ok so I may have started to tear up on the phone. Rarely. I mean rarely does anyone ever ask the foster parents opinion on the case and no one has ever wanted me to tell about the case. This is a true movement of God. Rob, myself and about a million amazing friends and family have prayed for us in foster care. Our heart and passion has been to help in the process of healing families and so we have prayed that the Lord would use us in that. Well people He is showing up and yes worker lady this is unchartered territory because this is the movement of the Lord. We are now scheduled to be at a conference next week to voice our opinion on the matter. As I have told baby N's mom, We are in her corner ready to support and fight for her, what she doesn't realize is that the most amazing person is in her corner, one that I don't believe she has met, one that many many many people are praying she recognizes is there. It is the one who always wins, Christ. He is there in her corner ready to fight against the one who desires her family destroyed. 

We are now a day away from court and our guardian et litem came to visit little man. She is there to represent him in court. She sat down and we started discussing the case and what she was hoping, what I was hoping etc. She stops and looks at me and says "I have been at this for a long time and was thinking I was done, but decided to take this one last case. Sitting here talking to you makes my heart full. Your relationship with her amazes and impresses me and its so different than what I have ever seen. I'm so happy to be ending on this case" We continue talking some more about our hopes for court and for baby N's family. She then says "you know what if DSS doesn't want to supervise more visits I will be the one to be there. Please call me whenever so that I can be there for it. I would love to be a way to help this whole thing." We talked some more and said our goodbyes. I closed the door and more tears may have come to my eyes. Alright Lord in all the messiness of this life, of the craziness of being a mom to 4 little kids, of homeschooling, emotions running high, some serious pms, my constant struggles and failures,  and Rob coming and going You are here. I got it. and I'm amazed. 

So courts tomorrow. I am anxious to see how it goes, but so incredibly happy that I can walk in those court doors, smile and hug his mom with a true hug of love and support. I love that I want to sit on her side and fight in her corner. 

My gloves are on.