"Foster Mom, do you agree with these recommendations?" These words were what we had been praying for 8 months to hear from the judge. Do I recommend that Baby N be returned to his mom? Do I agree she is fit and ready? I stood there in front of the judge my lips speaking "Yes Ma'am" so firmly, yet my heart was weeping cries of uncertainty and of sadness. This is the journey we stepped into. The journey we knew we were called to do. I wish I could say following where the Lord leads you is easy. I wish I could say you will always be confident in what you do. I wish I could say you would never doubt or have fear. Unfortunately the road is often full of so many emotions, doubt, fear, hurt, and heartache. I have never experienced such heartache and sadness than I have over the last few months. This world is is full of darkness and sadness we can't deny that. If we go about our days acting as if everything is wonderful we sacrifice something. We sacrifice children knowing that they are loved, worthy and needed. We sacrifice moms who are hurting and abused just looking for someone to support them through some of the hardest times of their lives. We sacrifice our own children knowing what it is like to be selfless and sacrifice their own comfort for the sake of another. We sacrifice families; both our own and the hurting around us.
I sat down back in the pew in the court room listening to every party agree that baby N will return to his mothers care on November 1st. He will return just 1 week after turning 9 months, 9 months after placing him in our car on that cold January day. I have never experienced such joy and also such sadness all at the same time. We have fought hard, spent hours crying and praying, spent hours telling his mom she is strong and worthy of being his mom. Days, weeks, months pleading that Jesus would win in this family. That He would heal broken hearts. I wish I could say the healing has happened, it hasn't. I wish I could say I know without a doubt that everything will be okay, but I can't. But as I am learning life has no certainties, we have no idea what tomorrow entails yet we are called not to worry. Do not worry about our life, we are called to trust. So I will trust that God loves baby N more than I could ever feel and He will go before me.
We stepped out of the court room and all smile at one another, we hug and speak words of excitement and joy that the end is near, the goal has been reached. I look at Baby N's mom, smile and tell her she did it, she finished and he is finally going home. How is it that peace and fear can stand side by side?
There are so many praises to speak of, so many moments that Jesus was so present I can only be amazed, so many nights that I felt peace that overwhelmed me, so many conversations that spoke of Jesus' forgiveness and love, so many times that I walked away thinking Jesus was in our midst guiding and directing. Yet even in the times of praise there were moments of heartache, weeping, fear, and deep sadness. There is a constant need for Jesus, and for that I am so thankful, thankful that I finally feel a time in my life that I can not move one moment without Him. I can not understand this life, this journey without His hand guiding me. I NEED Him. If I didn't have Him I could not step this deep into this journey without breaking to pieces.
So it leaves us with two weeks. Two weeks to prepare our hearts to say goodbye. I am so thankful that baby N will continue in our lives. We have woven our lives so closely to his mom that I know without a doubt that he will still be playing in our living room from time to time. I will still get to squeeze his body and pray over him as he sleeps. I am so thankful that this goodbye is not forever.
