Friends this week has been exhausting, not physically but emotionally and spiritually. I have a hard time putting into words what my heart has been through this week, but for myself and others going through this process I feel I need to write it down. As my last post says we were thinking our trial was this week until last Monday when I got a phone call. A phone call that would grip me, a phone call telling me that we actually don't have a trial next week and there is no trial on the docket for the future because the social worker has yet to finish the paperwork. Also that mom can appeal the trial and the appeal normally takes 8 months. I hung up the phone and cried. I texted/voxed friends and family asking them to pray. I called my husband telling him what happened and just asking him to pray. My kiddos when down for a nap I laid down on my living room floor and cried and prayed. I asked the Lord why? The timeline was so perfect. Trial would happen, our adoptions court would be scheduled and then we would drive out end of June. Why would He not be allowing this to happen. Overwhelmingly He poured Himself on me asking me "You have told people for the last 8 months that you have peace about their future, that I got this. That I have it all worked out for their good. That you have no control over it and I do. Why does one phone call change that?" I then realized how true that was. He does have their future, He will work out all the court systems. I got up and thanked the Lord for His peace and started our chores around the house.
A few hours past when the Lord was nudging my heart asking me "What if I do have their best planned out and it isn't what YOU think is best? What if my best isn't you? What if I do have their future but their future isn't you? Do you still trust me? Do you still believe?" It was then I realized that I was telling the Lord what I thought was best, I was praying my timeline over them. Obviously the girls have been with us 15 months so I naturally assumed what is best is that they stay with us forever, that we adopt them and I have been praying that everything would go as I planned. I hadn't been asking the Lord what their best was. I hadn't surrendered them to the Lord asking Him to do what was His best. As their middle mom I believed I knew their best, but what if as moms we really don't know what is best for our kids. Was I willing to give up what I thought was best for what the Lords best was, even if that meant that they weren't with me? This is both a painful and humbling process. One, asking the Lord why I wouldn't be whats best? and then asking what His best is? Its been an Abraham and Isaac situation. If you have never read that story it is worth a read. Its found in Genesis 22. Long story short Abraham was called by God to offer up his son. His son that they had prayed many years for. As Abraham and his son made the trek to the alter and as he placed his one and only son on it God called down telling him to stop. He told Abraham He now knew that he was willing to follow even when it was painful, costly and didn't make sense. So then here I was, at a point where the Lord is asking me, do I believe even when it is painful, costly and really doesn't make sense? Do I believe that He has what is best for them in mind? Does He love them abundantly more than I do? Is He a Good Good Father to them? Although painful my answer was yes. Yes Lord. In that moment I had to surrender them to the Lord, surrender their future. So what does that mean as we move forward? It means that I fight like heck for these girls because as their middle mom that's what we do. So I will fight for this trial to move forward as soon as possible. I will fight with my whole being that we are their future, but I hold it ever so lightly in my hands. I also recognize that if the Lords will is for them to be in our family forever He will need to do a miracle, which also shows me that we will have an amazing story to tell them, that the Lord picked us just for them, because He moved mountains to put them here. I am so ready for mountains to be moved, for Jesus to do miracles, for this beautiful story to be written. Yes fear can grip me many times throughout the day. When these beautiful girls walk up to me just to tell me they love me, when they ask about our next house, when they talk about turning older. Fear creeps in, but so quickly I am reminded by His peace that He has them and He is bigger. Do I know He will give them back to me and allow me to be their forever mom? No I don't and thats scares the crud out of me, but what I do know is that if it isn't me the Lord has something even better planned. I can't imagine anything better but I also don't know the full power and majesty of our God and I am thankful that He is bigger than my small perspective on life. I ask you to pray. Pray for these beautiful girls, pray that come end of June they are sitting in the back of my van with their bags packed, but truly in the end pray that they know that God is their perfect Father who has perfect plans for their beautiful life.
2 comments:
Praying for you and your sweet family. .......and these precious twins.
Dawn shared your story and blog with me and I wanted to let you know the girls and your entire family will be in my prayers. I am the mother of 3 sons and all 3 spent the first several months of their lives in foster homes before we adopted them. The love and kindness foster kids receive in families like yours are an enormous gift that leave a lasting mark on children's lives. Thank you for opening your heart and home to children in need, even though it requires heartache and sometimes good-byes.
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