To my twins.

My Twins, Today was just a normal day for you as you woke up and got dressed in the rush we were in. You didn't see my heart get  so frustrated at you birth mom, mad that the trauma you were in a year and a half ago still effects you today. As you cried over not being able to take your Jammie's off and resorting back to thinking  you were all alone with no one to help, part of me wanted to hate her. I lost my sympathy and kindness and was just mad. Mad I had to look into those beautiful tearfilled eyes and tell you that I am here and will always help. As the truth sunk in for the 500th time I saw the light back in your eyes as you sniffed and said "mama can you help me please?" We changed your clothes went downstairs and started your day. Today you had no idea that while  you were in preschool  I was leaving for a meeting. You had no idea that at that meeting I sat next to your mom. Your mom that I got so frustrated at this morning but as I looked into her brown eyes that remind me of the ones I look at everyday  my heart broke again for her. It broke for her sadness and brokeness. You didn't know that during the meeting I told a review board about you, about how much you have grown physically and mentally, how strong you have become over the last 16 months. How well you piece into our family and that we would adopt you into our family forever. But you also didn't see the tears in your birth moms eyes as she said how hard life is for her right now and how much she misses you, that 16 months is a long time to not see her children. I couldn't tell you that afterwards I hugged her and told her we love her so much and even though we said we would adopt you that doesn't mean we don't hurt for her and love her deeply. That tears filled my eyes as I looked into hers and said I was sorry. Sorry that it has come to this. You also didn't hear her say that she knows you are being loved and cared for and for that she is so thankful.  As I came back to school  and you ran and hugged me shouting "mama!" I was holding back so many  tears. Tears of joy and heartache. Tears of joy that I am the one that gets to be called mama but so much sadness as I think of your birth mom going home to another empty house not being able to see what amazing girls you are becoming. I couldn't tell you how so very hard these days are for me. How hard it is to sit in these review boards and balance speaking truth and being loving and respectful to the woman who gave you life. I couldn't tell you these things because you don't even know that you are "foster kids" you only remember life as my daughters. . All this messiness doesn't touch you right now and I am so so thankful. The pain for almost 3 years your endured is more than you need for a lifetime. So today I will take on whatever messiness and pain so that you can go about your day playing, giggling and learning. My sweet girls keep growing, healing and laughing and know that we are fighting so hard for you.