Beauty in healing and attachment

Many times weeks have past where things have been on my mind that I wanted to blog about, but I haven't had the mental energy to make sense of them. Today I want to attempt to put things down to update those wondering where we are in the process with our twins and to encourage those in the trenches. First of all mountains were moved to get the girls in our van with us as we drove out of South Carolina saying goodbye to the place that will always feel like home to me. As you have read in previous posts, there was a clause found in the foster care manual that allowed our girls to move out of state despite the fact that they are still in foster care in South Carolina. So now we are South Carolina foster parents approved in Alabama with South Carolina foster daughters in our home. Yes it is just as confusing to me, but I am so thankful the Lord allowed the doors to be opened. We not only drove out with our twins, but we had 3 other passengers in tow. Those that have followed our journey over the last 3 years will know of the beautiful mom we prayed fervently for named Chantel. Baby N was our second foster son who we were able to reunify home back in November of 2014. After the Lord led us to invite her to Alabama with us so we could help with her boys as she went to school, she said yes so herself, Nate and her baby Karter packed up and headed out of South Carolina as well. Many unknowns were out there, but we knew that the Lord leads and the Lord equips so we continued to walk knowing the Lord would provide wisdom and understanding to the whole situation. 

July 1st we arrived here and I think its been a fog since. Unfortunately, we found out that Alabama won't accept any of our home study so we are now attending the 10 week classes to get reapproved here. Also there is absolutely no update on the girls' case. Sadly, the social services department are living up to the many opinions of the public. We are still waiting on them to schedule our Termination of Parental Rights trial, until then we continue on our day to day life waiting for the day we get to call the girls forever ours. 

 I am thankful to say that our attachment to the girls has grown immensely over the last 4 months. Prayers have been answered of us seeking desperately for the Lord to place a love deep in our hearts for our girls, a love that honestly takes time and work of the Holy Spirit. For those who have been on the adoption/foster care journey or are on it right now you understand the attachment issues that come with it all. People on the outside have a hard time understanding it as they say “Oh they are so cute. Oh what a beautiful family” when inside the 4 walls of your house it feels like a war zone. It feels like you are crumbling with the screaming, temper tantrums, and anger that exists in the tiny traumatized bodies that surround you. Many days you end in tears thinking, I can not do this, I am a failure, I do not know how to parent traumatized children. I want to tell you friends, I was there. There were many parents that had been in the trenches that kept telling me they had been there and there is healing in it all. I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe them. I often said well thats not going to happen to me, our situation must be different. I came to a point where I told myself that I needed to be ok if things never changed, if I never truly attached to the girls, if the girls behaviors were always big and loud, if I was always scared to go into public concerned of what sensory things would send them into a tailspin. Rob and I had truly made our peace with it. I think we had to go through that process of being ok if things never changed, to be content with where we were, because it was in that moment that we were able to love them as they were not love them in hopes of who they would become. Little by little without me even realizing they started to grow, mature, and change. We would enter into situations where they would have normally ended up being overwhelmed and we would drive away saying “wow the girls did so great, they actually had fun and I even had fun”. Soon it was 50% of the time they would be great, slowly it went up and up until now more often times than not they have beautiful behavior. Since moving here and people not knowing the girls when they first came into care they do not believe us when we speak of their past behaviors or fears. They can not imagine them as they were and that truly amazes me. Yes, life still feels chaotic at times, that comes with having 6 kids, but now my girls more often than not display normal 4 year old behavior. 

Friends that are in the trenches, healing will come, attachment will come, days of joy and normalcy will come, I know because we are on that other side looking back thinking, did we really just come that far? Did the Lord really just move mountains that felt impossible to move? Do I really look at my girls and think I can not imagine life without them? Do I get all mama bear when someone has mistreated them? A year ago I could not imagine those feelings, I did not think it would happen, I often called out to God through tears and fears, but in all honesty didn’t know if I believed change could happen. I had to lean on so many friends and families prayers of faith and trust knowing that God could and would heal. Life is certainly not perfect here, and it never will be, I fail many times a day, I get easily angered or frustrated, tears of overwhelmed emotions still come at times, yet all of this comes with a foundation of hope and joy and that my friends is a beautiful place to be. I want to need God every day. I never want to get to a place where I think I can do it all on my own. Today I know that there is no way I can do this journey on my own and I am so very thankful. I am thankful for the moment I learned to love my girls as they were because we are called to do that to everyone around us. Love them as they are not for who you hope they become. Keep on keeping on and always step into the scary yeses because its in those that we find Jesus.