Time doesn't always heal broken hearts.....

Its been almost 3 months since I have heard your voice. Three months since you have crawled up on my lap and snuggled in. Three months since I have read your favorite book to you. Three months since I have told you that you are dearly loved by this whole family, and so dearly loved by Jesus. Where you now live happens to be in route to so many places we travel to every week. Every time I drive by I look at your front porch wishing to catch a glimpse of you, just to make sure that you are ok. A couple times a week I find myself crying over you, over wondering if you are ok, if you're safe, if you're questioning where we are, why we don't see you anymore. I don't know what your mom has told you, why she has said she stopped contacting us, but I doubt she tells you we miss you, we long to see you, we love you and that each of the kids pray for you every night before bed, even the twins. Every night they pray that you are safe and happy, they thank Jesus for you. I keep thinking that every month that passes it will get easier, but it doesn't. My heart still aches for you. As I watch all 6 kids play in the back yard I feel like some are missing. I realize I am missing you, missing watching you run in the yard with the kids, laughing and being silly.
Do you know I text your mom every week asking about you even though I haven't heard back from her in 3 months?
Do you know that each of the kids ask about you and miss you?
Do you know that I still have wrapped birthday gifts waiting for you from a birthday we didn't get to celebrate?
Do you know that I have dreams with you in them and when I wake up I forget you aren't in your room?
Do you know the kids still refer to your bed as "Little lady M's bed" even though someone else has been sleeping in it since you left 4 months ago?
Do you still sing "My God has a plan for me, its a very special plan that only He can see. He's got one for you and another just for me. My God has a plan for me"? Do you remember that was your favorite to sing before bed? Do you trust those words? Do you trust that He has a plan?
Do you remember the peace we prayed over you every night?

Sweet girl every tear I cry I have to remember that He promises to never leave us and so I cling to the fact that Our heavenly Father is in your room tonight as you sleep. He pours His presence over you and that is better than anything else I could ever ask for. So tonight as you sleep, sweet love, know that you are missed, you are loved and this mama longs for the day to hug you again.

"Goodnight sweetheart well its time to go. Goodnight sweetheart well its time to go. I hate to leave you but I really must say. Goodnight sweetheart. Goodnight."

Spring Has Sprung

I have been distant on here for way too long. So much goes on in every day that I wish I could write about, journal on and reflect on, but I get to the end of the day and my brain can barely put one full sentence together. This pregnancy has caused my already jumbled brain into mush. Foster care and pregnancy makes for very interesting  emotions. The last three months have been full of; Izzie turning 3, the twins turning 3, Jake turning 5, homeschool, my mother in law in town for a month, my parents here for Easter, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, etc. etc. etc. It has been full, but thankfully full of so many good things to celebrate. With the twins here Izzie has definitely taken the big sister role and has grown in leaps and bounds. She absolutely loves to help the twins and do her schoolwork. The twins' growth is hard to even measure because we often forget where they started. They have grown in communication, listening, and understanding their roles in family. The days have often been hard yet to hear them say "Okay mama", "I'm sorry", or "Can you please help me?" makes all the hard days worth it. The three three year olds are hilarious to watch and they always come up with some funny imaginary game to play. Allie and Jake continue on their school year doing great and understanding that sometimes ministry takes a lot of our time. They so often strap on their boots and get to work. I am learning that homeschool is full of GRACE and that there are days we have hours on end to read, immerse ourselves in books, do art and take nature walks, yet a lot of days we are doing our school work in doctors offices, in the car or at a coffee shop. I am learning both actually have so many benefits and that learning happens in so many places. Thankfully my children are learning the gift of grace alongside of myself.

My parents made the trip out for Easter and it always goes by way too fast. My mother in law had been here prior for the month and oh my goodness was it a help. Nothing like being able to take just one or two to an appointment without having to drag the whole gang, or even going to the grocery store alone! So when my parents came and went in three days it felt like a blink. I sat on my couch this morning drinking my coffee listening to the quiet of my kids sleeping reflecting on this last month. I can't help but be so thankful for the 4 grandparents in my kids lives. I am so blessed to have both sets truly love on all of my children and that they love to just have fun with them, I am learning that a lot of people don't have that and I won't ever take it for granted. While my parents were here they got a picture into what welcoming a new kiddo looks like. 

11:30 Saturday night before Easter I was laying in bed attempting to fall asleep with this baby deciding to dance in my belly when my cell phone rings. "Hello, I know you guys are at 5 kids right now, but we have had 7 kids go into care this afternoon/evening. Any chance you can take a 2 year old boy?" I rolled over, woke up Rob and told him the situation. He says "Well they won't be able to find another placement tonight and we have room, tell her yes". I told her yes and she said the social worker would call me soon. 1:30am the phone rings again. "Hello, we are finishing up at the hospital and we should be leaving soon." 4:30am phone rings again. "Sorry it took longer than we thought we are on our way". 4:45 arrived at our front porch. I walked out to the car. "Ma'am I'm just realizing we said you would have the 2 year old, I have the baby in my car". I looked at her a little confused, "Well we will take the baby, it doesn't matter to me". I took the sweet 2 month old out of the car and we headed inside. She said she would call the worker that has the 2 year old to see if the other foster mom will take him. She said she would call me if she needed to come back. She heads out and I head upstairs. Rob wakes up as I am attempting to pull the pack n play out for baby boy. He looks at me confused, "Yeah they dropped the wrong kiddo off". 10 min later worker calls back "Sorry but the other foster mom is only able to do babies I need to come back and grab him and bring his older brother to you". I bring baby boy back out to her car load him up and head back to bed. 6am the worker pulls up again. Sweet boy is snuggled in her arms crying. I take him from her thinking no way this boy is 2 he is way too big. "What's his name?" I ask. The worker looks at me. "Hmmm I know it, but I can't remember I'll have to text you with it". She leaves. He's crying in my arms as I am trying to tell him it is safe here and we are safe. I walk upstairs to my room where we have made a bed on the floor in hopes to make him feel more comfortable next to us. I realize that he is pretty scared upstairs so we head back downstairs. I snuggle into the couch hoping he will rest a little bit since he has been up all night and my crew will be up in 2 hours for Easter morning church. He is crying and mumbling a lot of words I can't understand. He finally relaxes in my arms and falls asleep. 7:30 my parents are up in the living room thinking Jake sick and is asleep on my lap. Rob explains to them all that went on through the night. 8:00 my kiddos wake up Easter morning and make their way downstairs. We tell them we had a new little boy who needed a safe place to stay. The excitement in my kiddos is always the sweetest to see. No questions of the Easter bunny or how this changes Easter just excitement that we have another little one to love. 8:15 I start to get him to wake up when I see his hospital bracelet that has his name and birthday. He turns 4 in June. Hmmm interesting DSS told me 2? Alright another 3 year old in the house, bring on the goofy kiddos. We get ready for church and get little C man ready load up and head out. He is apprehensive, but seems to be doing ok. He smiles and sits during church and we enjoy a great brunch as a family. As the morning goes on we realize that he doesn't have much speech development, if any. I am always amazed when the kids do so well on the first day. I imagine all the fear in their little bodies and the uncertainty of where they are and what might happen to him. We all enjoyed a sweet egg hunt in the afternoon and my whole crew crashed during nap time. Needless to say Easter was an eventful one, but exactly what I want to teach my children that Easter is about. It is about The One who came to save this lost and hurting world. One that gave the biggest sacrifice, yet proved His power and redemption in His resurrection. A day about our own need for His Grace and healing. It was all these things shown to us in a hurting little boy that we could shower with promises of hope and healing. 

So now we are back up to 6 kiddos, but it is perfect, just as He intended for us right now. Little man C won't be long term since this baby growing in my belly will be showing its face sometime in July and we can't fit 7 in our car, but for now we are loving, teaching, laughing and being silly with this sweet 3 year old boy. As Allie was pushing him on the swing she says "Mom why can't he stay for a long time, can't you see how happy he is here and we have room in our car?". My heart almost bursts when I hear her love for these sweet children. I can not wait to see what the Lord is going to do in her life and in her heart as she grows. Chaos doesn't scare her, craziness doesn't either, the sweetness of these kiddos brings her joy and it brings this mamas heart extreme joy. Afraid of what foster care will do to your kiddos? Don't be. Be expectant of the amazing things that foster care will do for them. 

What do goodbyes look like?

There are many facets to foster care. One of the biggest facets is the goodbyes. This facet unfortunately is the one that keeps most people from doing foster care in the first place. I'll be honest, it isn't my favorite part, but its a part and needs to be treasured none the less. Some of my joys of foster care is answering other peoples questions and wonderings of this life we are in and showing them that we have been blessed in it more than anything. But I will say probably the number 1 fear involves the goodbyes and the leaving. So I decided to write a post on how we do goodbyes in our family, what it looks like and how this last one went.

As you know Little Lady M was with us for 9 months. Anyone who had the blessing of knowing her knows that from that first glance she grabs your heart. Her deep brown eyes and that sweet smile just get you to your core. The love that my family felt for her was nothing less than a daughter and sister. My biological crew definitely loved her as their own. They fought over who got to sleep in the bunk bed with her, who got to sit next to her in the car, at the table, etc. and the sweetness never died down.  They even had normal sibling rivalries and fights with one another. No life wasn't all perfect and happy all the time, but life never is. This little girl, as baby N had, entered our home and became one of us.

Now something we always do in our foster family is that I try to go to every visit and court date and I try to bring my kids to as much as they can. The purpose of this is that they can see that Little Lady M has a mom and who she is and that she has a mom that just had a really rough time, but she loves her and hopes that she can get her little girl back. So from day one we are praying for mom and dad. Praying that they have peace while their kids are gone. Praying that they know they are safe. Praying that they will do what they need to do to provide a safe home. So my children are never confused as to the situation that we love each child that comes into our home as one of our own because thats what they need at that time, but they do have a family out there fighting for them and that if they do what they need to do we will celebrate them going home.

My eldest has asked me from the beginning of starting this journey that I would be honest with her always about what will happen and is happening with the kiddos that come in our home. When the court dates will happen and if I know when they will go home to tell her. So I have kept to my word and as hard as it is to tell a 7 year old the hard things I have been honest about visits and court dates and I do think it has made it easier for her to understand.

About 6 weeks ago we knew we had a court date the first week of January for Little Lady M. I heard from the social worker that mom was doing her program and they are almost positive that Little Lady M will return home after court. I'll be honest a part of my mom heart was sad, scared, uncertain, but the other part of me was confident that God was there and He knew. Rob and I started discussing when we would start telling the kids. If any of you have small children you know that telling them something is happening in a month that is like a lifetime for them so we decided to wait awhile before letting the whole crew know Little Lady M might be going home. Christmas was coming up and we just wanted to enjoy Christmas, to celebrate together as a family, enjoy the moments together and not worry about goodbyes. We started praying, praying for wisdom and understanding as we knew this probably wouldn't be easy for the kids or myself for that matter. So many unknowns in foster care, never knowing if mom will keep in contact when they go home, never knowing if the kids are safe, scary unknowns.

A few days after Christmas Rob sat the kids down during story time at night and told them that he had some exciting news. He said Little Lady M's mom found a safe place for the girls and that they get to go home to their mom in a week! We decided that we would make it a celebration, an exciting time that we reached the goal of reunification. My heart was still pulled in both directions, but if I have learned anything from the military is that the kids follow suit with moms emotions so I kept them with the excitement of going home not the sadness of leaving. Each day we celebrated being a day closer, we went to a visit with her mom at her home with the social worker. I knew mom wouldn't be living in an ideal situation, but it was safe and full of her mamas love. I had been praying for the visit at her home, that Little Lady M wouldn't see the outer appearance, but that she would see it as a home full of her moms love. We pull up to her apartment and I get a few tears in my eyes, yet sweet little lady M says from the back "my moms house is just so beautiful". If that wasn't Jesus moving I don't know what is. My heart almost burst as I said back, "Yes sweet love it is." My bio kids and Little Lady M got to see where she gets to live and where she will sleep. We headed home after visit full of excitement about being home with mom and other sisters. The next 4 days were full of emotions and questions. Two days before leaving Little Lady M says "I am so happy to be going home but I am also a little sad so I may cry". In that moment I was given the freedom to look at her and tell her that joy and sadness can go side by side. Beauty and Pain can often go together, and sometimes that is the most beautiful. I cried with her and said I would be so sad that I don't get to snuggle her in the morning, hear her giggles through he day, tuck her in at night, but I am so happy her mama gets her back. In that moment I could speak that truth I was so happy she got to go home, it is what Rob and I pray for each time a child enters our home. We pray a family is reunified. We started packing all of Little Lady M's things. I bought a few Tupperware bins and brought out our sharpie markers and let the kids draw pictures and write their names and messages all over the bins. We had a good time laughing together as the colored and collected all of her things around the house. I bought a recordable book to record my voice reading to her. One of her favorite things is being read to and her mom only speaks Spanish and is illiterate in it both languages so I knew she wouldn't get many read at home so I thought it was the perfect way for her to remember that we are here praying for her every day.

Monday morning came and I woke up with so much peace, knowing that the Lord would be in that day and that so many people around me were praying for us. I arrived at court where I was a little frustrated at the case, but after a lot of discussing everyone came to a good conclusion. They decided the girls would return home immediately following court. I got in the car and sobbed. I knew it was happening and I felt prepared, but in that moment alone I was able to cry my heart out and pray. I drove home loaded up her things, the kids and we set off to her house. The social worker had already dropped the older sisters off so it was just me, her mom, and the kids. We walked in, unloaded her belonging, I hugged mom and told her we are so happy. All the kids ran around looking at her bed, laughing, playing being silly. I said it was time to give hugs. We all hugged each other. I looked at Little Lady M and told her she is loved more than she knew, as she says "Yes and God even loves me more". I told her I would see her soon and to call me if she needed anything. I was able to hold back tears and we loaded up in the car and headed out. Rob unfortunately had to work late that night and I had no energy to go home and put dinner in the oven so we headed to chick fil a where the kids could play and I could just breath. As I sat there watching the kids play through the window a lady came up asking how many kids I had and a part of my heart broke. I desperately wanted to tell her I had one more that wasn't here anymore, but she wasn't mine anymore so today I have 5. 5 blessings and a few more that are constantly on my heart and mind. We drove home and pulled in the driveway and Izzie says "Mom but we didn't pick Little Lady M up from her visit?" "I know Iz remember she is living at her moms now". "But mom than I won't see her and I'll miss her too much". "I know Iz, but she is with her mama now and we get to see her soon." Her sweet 2 year old self doesn't quite understand this life, but it is going to grow her into such a selfless little girl and that makes my heart so happy. That night before bed both Allie and Jake prayed in their rooms and they praised and thanked Jesus that Little Lady M got to go home with her Mom. I truly believe their hearts see the joy in reunification that we are sad, and will be sad always, but there is joy in a family getting back together.
So here I sit one week later. It has been a hard week. A lot of "Mom I'm sad she is gone." "Mom when can she come and play" "Mom its lonely without her here". Thankfully I had one day to see and spend time with her and her mom as we did errands together. I was able to hug her and tell her I'll still be here. The kids got to see her for a little bit and they all were so happy. I was volunteering in children's church yesterday where they played her favorite song "My God has a plan for me, its a very special plan that only He can see. He's got one for you and another just for me. My God has a plan for me" and I couldn't help but cry through it. I miss her terribly as any mom would. I hurt and am scared for her, but I have to trust that the Lord is there. I have hopes that she will be in our life for a very long time because I know she will never leave our hearts.

So Goodbyes are messy, not easy, but it is a part of this journey and a part that has grown myself and my kids in huge ways. I am so thankful for what this journey has taught my children about loving without fears of the end, being selfless in all circumstances, and knowing that it isn't always easy, but for even just one kid it is worth it. Hopefully this goodbye has shown you that the answers to "How can you love and let go?" "It would be to hard to say goodbye" "Wont Little Lady M be sad to leave your house" aren't easy answers, and they aren't always the answers people want to hear, but its worth it. Worth every moment I got to tell her she is loved. Worth every moment she taught me to love without fears.  It isn't perfect and I am excited to see how much we learn and grow in this process, but for this goodbye I am thankful that the Lord showed up in His way and confirmed that this life isn't about me, its not about my kids, its about Him and what he can do through us and how He changes us in the process.

Back up to 6 kids and A New Type of Christmas

This year was our first time celebrating Christmas as foster parents. We knew it would look and feel different, but I never expected to see Jesus in the ways I did. As most of you know I come from a large extended family. We have always celebrated Christmas at my parents house. My mom hosts most of her 8 siblings and their families; its loud, big, full of love and so much fun. I have been so blessed by an amazing family full of laughter and joy. Christmas was always a day we looked forward to, seeing all of our cousins, aunts and uncles. As I have gotten older that hasn't changed. Every year its just as exciting to get our whole family together and by the end of the day your stomach hurts from laughing so much. Unfortunately with Robs job it has been a few Christmases that we have been required to stay home. Thankfully in the past we have had Robs family in town to celebrate together. This year was going to be different. Robs family was unable to come and we were unable to head north to Chicago so it was just going to be our immediate family. I was very sad to be missing another Christmas at "home", thankfully the Lord loves me and desires to grant me gifts that I don't deserve.

Two weeks before Christmas we got a call from a fellow foster mama friend who got a placement call for a sibling set of four. She could only accept one and really wanted to find close placement for the siblings. After calling another foster mama friend, who said they would take the baby, that left a set of two year old twins. I got off the phone, took a deep breath, and really considered if I was able to take a set of little twins. We felt pretty maxed out right now, especially for the holidays, but we also know that the Lord will open and close doors on his own. After talking to Rob we told our friends we would take the two. Before heading out I wrangled my troops into the kitchen and they circled around me and I explained there were two two year olds needing a safe place. At that moment my crew yelled "Yeah more kids!!" I looked at them a little shocked when Allie and Jake say "Mom I know its going to be more work and we will help!".  Nothing made my heart happier than to see my kids willing to sacrifice themselves even when they know it would be hard. Two hours later my crew was loaded up headed to the social services office to pick up the set of twins (at the time not knowing gender either). We arrived and Rob was already there signing the papers. The whole crew was asleep in the offices. Jake saw the two girls and doted on them from the moment he saw them, not frustrated he would be surrounded by two more girls. Long story short, we headed home, had some food, played and got ready for bed. Bedtime in foster care is always a hard time. Its a new place, normally a scary time of day, and full of tears. That night was no different. Lots of screaming, lots of tears, and lots of hugs. Once they were asleep they slept all night, which is a miracle. But I'll be honest it hasn't been an easy road with them. They are constant, and a lot of work, but I am reminded that even though the Lord calls us down a road it doesn't mean it will be easy, it is actually normally the opposite, He desires situations where we NEED Him, we have to DEPEND on Him to get through the moment. Thats how I have felt with these girls, they have tested my patience in so many ways, have had so many tears and tantrums, but I am so thankful that each day gets a little better and each day I learn how I am in need of change and growth as well.

(Coffee shop stop on our first full day together)

(Christmas Parade in town)

Christmas was just around the corner and nothing hurts my heart more than to know there are moms and dad out there missing the holidays with their children, even if they had made major mistakes in the past. Little lady M is scheduled to go home soon and my heart broke for her mom who would be spending Christmas alone, but I also knew social services was not a fan of parents coming into foster parents houses so I didn't have a lot of hope in her spending it with her children. About 5 days prior to Christmas I got a call from a women who worked for some agency I wasn't familiar with. She says "I am calling in regards to (Little Lady M's) mother. I know this is asking a lot and I understand if the answer is no, but I just had to ask. Would you mind hosting her mom on Christmas?" I stopped in my tracks, shocked at her question. I asked "Have you okayed this with social services?" "Yes, they said it was ok as longs the foster parents said it was ok. Mom hasn't been asked yet, but I wanted to make sure it was okay before asking her.". After a long conversation with her I said that we would love to host her and that it was actually a huge answer to prayer for us. I got off the phone, looked at Rob, and we both were just amazed and how the Lord moves and works without us even doing a thing. We then realized that we had a friend that just happened to be joining us for Christmas that is fluent in Spanish! Praise Jesus we can actually converse with her mom! Another answer to prayer that we hadn't even prayed! Two days pass and Little Lady M had her first visit at her moms apartment. This is where she will be moving into in just  few short weeks. We pull up and my heart is just broken. I am reminding myself and little lady M that home is a place that is full of love and safety, it doesn't matter what it looks like or what is in it. Mom is trying so hard, but just has so many obstacles fighting against her. Little lady M looks at her new apartment, which is in a very rough side of town,  and says "Oh my moms new house is just so beautiful". My heart almost burst as I was so thankful the Lord answered prayers that her home is where her mom is, despite of circumstances. After visit I had the translator ask mom if we could come pick her up to spend Christmas at our house, she thankfully said yes. I also noticed after visit that her two older sisters had nits all in their hair (aka lice) and I knew they would be coming over the following day (christmas eve) to spend the night. Deep breath, remember satan will do everything to not have us all together. 

(enjoying a movie together)

Christmas eve I went and picked up the sisters, brought them back, treated their hair and spent the next 4 hours picking nits out of their hair before church as I prayed that we would stay clear of lice in our home! (which as of a week later we have!) Rob, myself and the 8 kids headed to Christmas Eve service together. The kids did amazing at service and we got to worship together as we celebrated this amazing gift of Jesus. After service we headed home, enjoyed a meal together (cooked by Rob!) and got in jammies. The kids all came around together and Rob read the Night Before Christmas. Something about the sweetness of children on Christmas... I just love it. The crew headed to bed dreaming of the sweet next day. My girlfriend Tori, whose husband was deployed, decided to come spend the night so she could spend christmas morning with us. We turned on some christmas movies and wrapped away. We have been so blessed by family and friends who sent so many sweet gifts to each one of our kids. 

The next morning they all woke up at 8, waited on the stairs for everyone else to get up. The kids all came down to see the magic of Christmas morning. The sweetness of it is just hard to picture. They all sat as we passed out stockings and giggled and smiled through the whole thing. Throughout the morning each kiddo took turns opening gifts. We took a break, made some brunch and then opened a few more. My other girlfriend Elizabeth, who was the one fluent in Spanish (whose husband went out of town, yet she had to stay back to work), arrived to see the kids open their gifts and spend Christmas with us. We finished opening gifts and I looked at Rob and just smiled saying the only way to describe the morning was gracious. The kids were all so gracious as they each opened a gift and as others opened their gifts. They acted as if each gift was the best ever and that each others was the best ever. I was so thankful to see their gracious and thankful hearts realizing how much a gift it was for others to give them presents. They were all amazed at how many people wanted to give them gifts. 

At noon Elizabeth and I headed out to pick up Little Lady M's mom. We arrived back home and all the girls were so excited she was there. She was able to see where Little Lady M has been living, where she sleeps, and how she is at our home. We sat on the porch, watched the kids play, and were able to chat (via Elizabeth). About an hour later Baby Nate came with his mom and grandma. I was so glad they wanted to come spend Christmas with us since they have become family to us, and the kids are always so happy when they come. (probably because they are spoiled by them!)

(he is getting so big!!!)

It was also a blessing because Little Lady M's mom recognized Nate from when I would take him to visits. She got to see my relationship with his mom and grandma and that we desired a relationship past the time little lady M returned home. Another huge answer to prayer. We enjoyed a dinner together and were able to sit on the couch and talk. Elizabeth had a chance to explain Maia moms to her and the different resources we would love to help her get. She seemed very willing to try and see what would work. We were able to set up a time that I could pick her up and bring her to the offices to see how it might work. By about 6 o'clock we started to wrap things up. Elizabeth brought Little Lady M's mom home and I drove the sisters home. Nate and family got to stick around a little longer to hang out.

(the whole Christmas gang, hard to take a picture with everyone)

I got home, Rob and I put the kids to bed and we sat fell down on the couch. Don't get me wrong we were exhausted, it was a long few days, but we just were amazed at how many times Jesus showed up, answered prayers and worked without any of our help. He did things we didn't even know would be possible. This Christmas looked so different than any other Christmas, but it was more than we could have hoped or prayed for. God is so good to know I would have been so sad being away from family so He filled it with Himself and these new amazing people we call family now. A year ago if anyone would have told me what this Christmas would look like I would have never believed it and thought it was a little crazy, okay a lot crazy, but that night when laying in bed my heart was so full of Joy knowing that is exactly what Christmas is supposed to be about. Family, joy, love, restoration, healing, and Jesus. This Christmas showed us that we can have plans, ones that are great, but God can do things without even one phone call from us, once request, He knows that is best and for that I am so thankful. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas, full of Joy and Jesus.

Sink or Float

         1/3 of all foster children that return home unfortunately go back into the system within a few years. This fact breaks my heart. I hate to think that one out of three of my foster kiddos will return into this heartbreaking world of foster care. There has to be a way to change that number. I believe one of the major things to help is support for families. Most of the families are single moms.  A lot of those single moms are ones that had to leave a rough situation to start on their own two feet in order to get their kids back. The system asks these moms to leave their "bad situations" with their husbands/boyfriends, find a new place to live, a job and to support themselves. Once they do those things they put their kids into the mix and ask them to survive with no help or support. To me we are asking those women to return to bad situations just to survive.

Since arriving in Charleston we have had the blessing of being introduced to an organization called Maia Moms. The Lord is always amazing in how He works. We got introduced to them before being fully involved in foster care. Little did we know we would be heavily relying on their amazing ministry to help moms that are in our lives through foster care. As we process Little Lady M to go home I know her mom is trying her best, she is doing everything she is able. She has found a job and a place to live. Unfortunately with little funds and no family/support she is in a very rough area in a very small one bedroom apartment for her and three girls. After speaking to the social worker today she was in tears after leaving moms home because of the area she lives in and how small the quarters. She said "I'm just so sad, but she is doing the best she can". I just imagine throwing three girls into her mix in three weeks and asking her to float. It just doesn't make sense to me. Every ounce of me doesn't want Little Lady M to be a part of that 1/3 of kids, I also don't want her mom to run to a rough man to help support her, but puts her kids in harm. Thats where I hope Maia Moms may come in. Maia Moms is a faith based program that brings in single moms that are desperately trying to get back on their feet again. Its a year program that subsidizes housing, helps with daycare and helps them through school and find a better job. In this program the moms are required to do a life skills class twice a month, meet with a financial advisor once a month, have a mentor for the year and be involved in different classes they offer. It is a year of support and help. A year to get the mom back on their feet, help them save a small nest egg to afford a better place to live, to have them get through some schooling to better their opportunities and to help get a better paying job. I have been so encouraged to be a part of this organization since being here. I have been amazed watching the women leading it and the care and love that they pour into each mom. I truly think the Lord is going to use it for amazing things in this city. I also think it is an answer to a lot of DSS moms. AA is a support program for alcoholics, Domestic Violence has support groups, drug rehabs offer support groups, but there are no support groups just for single moms that are having a really hard year or few years and just need help to get back up again. A lot of times these women don't just need money because most don't know what to do with the money, most of the women need a community to stand beside them and walk the road with them, give them a hand, encourage and love on them when the road gets bumpy and then celebrate the victories.

So I left the conversation with the social worker today heavy hearted. Heavy hearted for a mom who shares a love for this little girl that lights up a room, but the mom is in a rough spot. I don't want this mom to sink, I truly want her to float and to do it well. I called over to the head of Maia moms asking what I should do. Also asking if her mom happens to want to apply to the program, would it be possible. She said yes if she wants to do some schooling, but there isn't an opening till March unless there is people to sponsor. I then asked what it takes to sponsor a mom. She said it takes $400 a month for the year. The sponsor/sponsors get to know who the mom is and how exactly money is being used. I was amazed that the sponsorship is only $400 a month because I know how great the program is for the moms, I have seen and felt it. I know many people are often trying to find ways to help or give, but want to know how and where money is being used. This program is small yet mighty. The Lord is already starting something here and I am excited to see how it is being used. If you feel led to give I would be more than happy to answer any questions. My prayer is that I can get a team together that wants to support Little Lady M's mom for the year. $400 a month is often too much for one person, but if I get a team of 4-6 people together we can help support her through this year. I don't know if this is even possible, because I don't know if she wants to do it, but I hope to have people praying that her heart desires the support and love through this year that is a head of her. Their website is http://maiamoms.org
I would love to use Maia Moms in the future when I see moms who are really trying their best for their kids, but just need a little support. I would love to give them a year of help, but I can't do it without more help from people wanting to support and sponsor this program.

Please pray that Little Lady M's mom and I are able to communicate better since she only speaks Spanish and that she sees that I truly love her daughter and want to help in any way that I can. Thank you for your constant support and prayers for my family. This year has been one of the hardest and heaviest years of our marriage, but we have grown more this year than any other. We are blessed to have so many around us loving and praying for us. Truly thankful.

Lets help these moms float.

Preparation

Your deep brown eyes that can soften any heart

Your beautiful curls that flow down your back

Your unwavering love for your family

Your eyes that see beauty in everything 

Your snuggles in the morning

Your sweet "I love you's" throughout the day

Your innocent prayers at night

You have taught me, stretched me, and loved me more than I could have ever imagined. 

Little beautiful one you are deeply loved, now and forever. 

How do you prepare a 3 year old to leave the place she has called home and has been deeply loved to move into her new home and new environment that she doesn't fully remember. To be back with her mom who we have prayed for each night and yet has only seen her 2 times a month for an hour each, to move with a mom who now speaks a language she no longer understands, to a place that I can't protect her in, a place she imagines much different than it will be. We talk often of when she will return home. We speak of a time when her mom finds a place that is safe and will know how to keep her safe. But I can't make promises. I can't promise her safety or that I can come get her when she is wishing I would. I can't promise everything is going to be ok because I'm not confident it will be. I can't promise she will be able to come back here to play, that she will see Allie, Jake or Izzie again.  This journey involves so much fear. Every step of the unknown involves fear. Last Sunday at church I was encouraged in the sermon that even the disciples that walked alongside of Jesus often had fear or were terrified. I'd like to think if I personally saw the miracles Jesus did I would step in faith confidently knowing He would always be there, but I know I wouldn't because I am no better than the disciples, who when they saw Jesus walk on the water were terrified. So now I can come before Him being honest in my fears because I know what His response will always be. It is the same as it was for the disciples hundreds of years ago, "Take courage, It is I, do not be afraid". As I look into Little Lady M's eyes I can't help but have these verses come to mind;

35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,[f] you were doing it to me!’(matthew 25:35-40)

It is He. He is behind those deep brown eyes and He is the one that moves and protects. So, yes, I can confidently say to her through these next 30 days she is with us that I promise Jesus will be with her always. In the dark nights when she is afraid, in the moments of not knowing what is next, He is with her. I pray now that the truth and promises we have poured into her, the nightly prayers I hear her heart pray will go with her, will comfort her in those times where I know fear will be gripping her heart. 

This Advent has special meaning this year. Each day we read about a new promise or a new characteristic of who Christ is and I get to hear my eldest have a deep understanding of Him, to the others who have the sweetest childlike faith of who Jesus is to them. The joy in their eyes brings excitement to this season as we prepare for the birth of the most amazing baby of all who brings the biggest promise with Him. 

Join our family as we pray over Little Lady M in these next 30 days. That her heart would be prepared, her mom would be prepared and that satans grip on these families would be loosened. Jesus came to overcome and I will be praying that over her daily. 

Not a new book, just a new chapter.

9 Months one week our sweet baby N was in our care full time. We had the joy of moving his mama into a new place and to welcome them back together as a family. I have a hard time sitting here and expressing my emotions and feelings that go behind it all. It truly has been amazing to see the Lords timing in the whole process. It is a constant reminder to me that He has it all in His hands and He knows what is best, even when I don't understand it. God knew that this would be our first big goodbye and He knew what my family could handle. Thankfully He provides and this transition isn't like a normal foster care transition. A "normal" transition is one that the social worker picks up the child and brings them home and you don't get to see them again. Thankfully this one is much different. His mama has become a part of our family as has he so we are an open door for them always. He spends the night when she has to work, comes and plays when she needs a babysitter and a helping hand as a family is. So this goodbye was not goodbye, but just a transition into a new chapter of life. This picture is one I have waited 9 months to take.

The first night he was gone I couldn't help but worry. Just because the court system says you no longer are acting parent doesn't mean your heart doesn't worry as a mother should. I found myself laying in bed with tears down my face, praying for him and his mama, that he would know he is loved and that the family he as always called his own loves him deeply. This foster care life is one that is hard to understand, especially when you love so deeply. Our hearts aren't built to love as our own and to let go, but this journey isn't about me. Its about these children that just need to be loved and know that they are loved. So we will take the pain for them.

10 months ago when we started this journey I never thought the Lord would have brought us to this place. So many prayers were answered throughout the months. So much pain was experienced, but an equal amount of joy was there as well. One of the most amazing things that happened was exactly one day after moving Baby N into his new home with his mama I had the blessing of standing on stage with both of them at church telling a part of our story. Some stories are just meant to be told and I believe that this one is one of them. Last sunday was Orphan Sunday, it is a sunday to raise awareness about the orphans around our world. We told our story about how the Lord brought Rob and I on this journey and never expected it to take this turn. Baby N's mom even spoke out on the difference having a supportive family along side of her in this journey. Our heart for reunification was grown to the max. From the first moment of meeting his mom I knew why the Lord called us here. We had the blessing to share and encourage others to step up and fill in the gap of foster care. Here in this county I live in there are only 60 foster parents and over 300 kids in foster care. Out of those 60 there are only a handful that are in it truly for the families and the kiddos. Those numbers just kill my heart. My prayer is that families step up and realize the crisis that is in their back yard and realize that these sweet kiddos are worth the fight. I'm thankful now that we can tell our story, this story that isn't over yet and will be full of pain and bumps, but this one ended in reunification. I know not all of the foster kiddos that are in my home will end this way, but even for just this one family it was worth it. So now baby N's mom is excited to share our story as well. So for the 400,000 kids in our country in foster care we will share our story as often as we can.