What do goodbyes look like?

There are many facets to foster care. One of the biggest facets is the goodbyes. This facet unfortunately is the one that keeps most people from doing foster care in the first place. I'll be honest, it isn't my favorite part, but its a part and needs to be treasured none the less. Some of my joys of foster care is answering other peoples questions and wonderings of this life we are in and showing them that we have been blessed in it more than anything. But I will say probably the number 1 fear involves the goodbyes and the leaving. So I decided to write a post on how we do goodbyes in our family, what it looks like and how this last one went.

As you know Little Lady M was with us for 9 months. Anyone who had the blessing of knowing her knows that from that first glance she grabs your heart. Her deep brown eyes and that sweet smile just get you to your core. The love that my family felt for her was nothing less than a daughter and sister. My biological crew definitely loved her as their own. They fought over who got to sleep in the bunk bed with her, who got to sit next to her in the car, at the table, etc. and the sweetness never died down.  They even had normal sibling rivalries and fights with one another. No life wasn't all perfect and happy all the time, but life never is. This little girl, as baby N had, entered our home and became one of us.

Now something we always do in our foster family is that I try to go to every visit and court date and I try to bring my kids to as much as they can. The purpose of this is that they can see that Little Lady M has a mom and who she is and that she has a mom that just had a really rough time, but she loves her and hopes that she can get her little girl back. So from day one we are praying for mom and dad. Praying that they have peace while their kids are gone. Praying that they know they are safe. Praying that they will do what they need to do to provide a safe home. So my children are never confused as to the situation that we love each child that comes into our home as one of our own because thats what they need at that time, but they do have a family out there fighting for them and that if they do what they need to do we will celebrate them going home.

My eldest has asked me from the beginning of starting this journey that I would be honest with her always about what will happen and is happening with the kiddos that come in our home. When the court dates will happen and if I know when they will go home to tell her. So I have kept to my word and as hard as it is to tell a 7 year old the hard things I have been honest about visits and court dates and I do think it has made it easier for her to understand.

About 6 weeks ago we knew we had a court date the first week of January for Little Lady M. I heard from the social worker that mom was doing her program and they are almost positive that Little Lady M will return home after court. I'll be honest a part of my mom heart was sad, scared, uncertain, but the other part of me was confident that God was there and He knew. Rob and I started discussing when we would start telling the kids. If any of you have small children you know that telling them something is happening in a month that is like a lifetime for them so we decided to wait awhile before letting the whole crew know Little Lady M might be going home. Christmas was coming up and we just wanted to enjoy Christmas, to celebrate together as a family, enjoy the moments together and not worry about goodbyes. We started praying, praying for wisdom and understanding as we knew this probably wouldn't be easy for the kids or myself for that matter. So many unknowns in foster care, never knowing if mom will keep in contact when they go home, never knowing if the kids are safe, scary unknowns.

A few days after Christmas Rob sat the kids down during story time at night and told them that he had some exciting news. He said Little Lady M's mom found a safe place for the girls and that they get to go home to their mom in a week! We decided that we would make it a celebration, an exciting time that we reached the goal of reunification. My heart was still pulled in both directions, but if I have learned anything from the military is that the kids follow suit with moms emotions so I kept them with the excitement of going home not the sadness of leaving. Each day we celebrated being a day closer, we went to a visit with her mom at her home with the social worker. I knew mom wouldn't be living in an ideal situation, but it was safe and full of her mamas love. I had been praying for the visit at her home, that Little Lady M wouldn't see the outer appearance, but that she would see it as a home full of her moms love. We pull up to her apartment and I get a few tears in my eyes, yet sweet little lady M says from the back "my moms house is just so beautiful". If that wasn't Jesus moving I don't know what is. My heart almost burst as I said back, "Yes sweet love it is." My bio kids and Little Lady M got to see where she gets to live and where she will sleep. We headed home after visit full of excitement about being home with mom and other sisters. The next 4 days were full of emotions and questions. Two days before leaving Little Lady M says "I am so happy to be going home but I am also a little sad so I may cry". In that moment I was given the freedom to look at her and tell her that joy and sadness can go side by side. Beauty and Pain can often go together, and sometimes that is the most beautiful. I cried with her and said I would be so sad that I don't get to snuggle her in the morning, hear her giggles through he day, tuck her in at night, but I am so happy her mama gets her back. In that moment I could speak that truth I was so happy she got to go home, it is what Rob and I pray for each time a child enters our home. We pray a family is reunified. We started packing all of Little Lady M's things. I bought a few Tupperware bins and brought out our sharpie markers and let the kids draw pictures and write their names and messages all over the bins. We had a good time laughing together as the colored and collected all of her things around the house. I bought a recordable book to record my voice reading to her. One of her favorite things is being read to and her mom only speaks Spanish and is illiterate in it both languages so I knew she wouldn't get many read at home so I thought it was the perfect way for her to remember that we are here praying for her every day.

Monday morning came and I woke up with so much peace, knowing that the Lord would be in that day and that so many people around me were praying for us. I arrived at court where I was a little frustrated at the case, but after a lot of discussing everyone came to a good conclusion. They decided the girls would return home immediately following court. I got in the car and sobbed. I knew it was happening and I felt prepared, but in that moment alone I was able to cry my heart out and pray. I drove home loaded up her things, the kids and we set off to her house. The social worker had already dropped the older sisters off so it was just me, her mom, and the kids. We walked in, unloaded her belonging, I hugged mom and told her we are so happy. All the kids ran around looking at her bed, laughing, playing being silly. I said it was time to give hugs. We all hugged each other. I looked at Little Lady M and told her she is loved more than she knew, as she says "Yes and God even loves me more". I told her I would see her soon and to call me if she needed anything. I was able to hold back tears and we loaded up in the car and headed out. Rob unfortunately had to work late that night and I had no energy to go home and put dinner in the oven so we headed to chick fil a where the kids could play and I could just breath. As I sat there watching the kids play through the window a lady came up asking how many kids I had and a part of my heart broke. I desperately wanted to tell her I had one more that wasn't here anymore, but she wasn't mine anymore so today I have 5. 5 blessings and a few more that are constantly on my heart and mind. We drove home and pulled in the driveway and Izzie says "Mom but we didn't pick Little Lady M up from her visit?" "I know Iz remember she is living at her moms now". "But mom than I won't see her and I'll miss her too much". "I know Iz, but she is with her mama now and we get to see her soon." Her sweet 2 year old self doesn't quite understand this life, but it is going to grow her into such a selfless little girl and that makes my heart so happy. That night before bed both Allie and Jake prayed in their rooms and they praised and thanked Jesus that Little Lady M got to go home with her Mom. I truly believe their hearts see the joy in reunification that we are sad, and will be sad always, but there is joy in a family getting back together.
So here I sit one week later. It has been a hard week. A lot of "Mom I'm sad she is gone." "Mom when can she come and play" "Mom its lonely without her here". Thankfully I had one day to see and spend time with her and her mom as we did errands together. I was able to hug her and tell her I'll still be here. The kids got to see her for a little bit and they all were so happy. I was volunteering in children's church yesterday where they played her favorite song "My God has a plan for me, its a very special plan that only He can see. He's got one for you and another just for me. My God has a plan for me" and I couldn't help but cry through it. I miss her terribly as any mom would. I hurt and am scared for her, but I have to trust that the Lord is there. I have hopes that she will be in our life for a very long time because I know she will never leave our hearts.

So Goodbyes are messy, not easy, but it is a part of this journey and a part that has grown myself and my kids in huge ways. I am so thankful for what this journey has taught my children about loving without fears of the end, being selfless in all circumstances, and knowing that it isn't always easy, but for even just one kid it is worth it. Hopefully this goodbye has shown you that the answers to "How can you love and let go?" "It would be to hard to say goodbye" "Wont Little Lady M be sad to leave your house" aren't easy answers, and they aren't always the answers people want to hear, but its worth it. Worth every moment I got to tell her she is loved. Worth every moment she taught me to love without fears.  It isn't perfect and I am excited to see how much we learn and grow in this process, but for this goodbye I am thankful that the Lord showed up in His way and confirmed that this life isn't about me, its not about my kids, its about Him and what he can do through us and how He changes us in the process.