loving deep. loving hard.

A week of supervised visits have come and gone and I am so thankful. 6 hours we got to spend with his mom. 8 hours she got to spend with him (2 extra hours at DSS). So much uncertainty is ahead, but I am so thankful that we are doing what we can to fight for Baby N's family because thats what he deserves.

I'll be honest I think ahead three months and I can't imagine handing him off (which is what we are all hoping for him and his mama), even if it means to his mom who I support with my whole being. She has done everything the court will allow and has connected with him as much as she is able. But in the end right now he knows me as mom. I am the one that picks him up when he cries, I'm there when he's hungry, I am there in the middle of the night and in the morning. I give him his baths and I'm the one who smothers him with kisses. As he is getting older and is recognizing me and lights up when I walk into his room in the morning. With every sweet smile I feel my heart loving him deeper and harder. I look ahead and experience my heart break already, but I know whats best for him is my heart ache. He needs me, He needs my unguarded love. He needs a mom that lights up when she's sees him. So I will offer it and when the time comes to say goodbye, whenever that is, I will be depending on the Lord to equip me to say goodbye. Because in my heart I don't know how I will ever do that myself. For now Lord equip me to love unreservedly. Love unconditionally. Love as he is my own. 

Because of my feelings toward this little boy that I consider a part of my family I have the hardest time hearing people say to me time and time again "I could never do that (foster care), I would love them too much" or "I would get too attached". I understand people don't mean to be hurtful, many times it just makes them feel better, but the conclusion for me and that statement is that I don't love them enough or that I don't get attached enough. That it doesn't scare me with ever ounce of my being to love and have to let go. I do and it does. There are moments when fear grips me so hard and I look ahead to his life and am sad that I won't be there. So please when you see a foster parent don't tell them that. Just encourage their lives, encourage them as parents, and support them. Just please don't tell them that you couldn't because you connect too deeply or love too hard. We do, but we are willing to get hurt, because its not about us its about them. Its about these children that don't deserve to be in the upheaval they are in. So we were called to step in and love knowing it will hurt. For all foster parents out there that have loved deep and hurt deep maybe just say to them "How do you do it? or that would be so hard." Because it is hard and we only can do it well with Jesus. Just please don't quickly make a remark about how your heart is too soft or too loving to do what we do and walk away because a little of our hearts are left wounded in the process.