Court, meetings, visitations, more court. Foster care is a messy, emotional, crazy road, but the joys are sometimes overwhelming.
As I sit in a restaurant across from baby N's mom knowing its more than sharing a meal but about pouring into her life. I am telling her she is worth it, she is capable of change, who she was in her past does not define her, I see through the hardness and see a mom that loves her child. She sits there looking at me through her tears and I know that it will take more than those words for her to believe it to be true. Years of men telling her otherwise has given her skin thicker than I can fathom. Years of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and a life that I can not imagine has made her believe those lies of 'this is the best I can get, I'm not beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough' so now I know my role. To look at her eyes and tell her otherwise. Soon enough I pray that the only One that can truly break through that heart, Jesus, will allow her to see herself as the amazing, strong, capable mother I know she can be and He has created her to be. We get up from the table and go to walk to our own cars and I walk to her and give her a hug. I know it makes her feel uncomfortable, as if she doesn't deserve to be touched, but I stand there in the middle of the parking lot hugging her, not being hugged back by her, praying over her and telling her 'you are worth better, better than this life and I will keep telling you that until you believe it'.
I come home to sweet Baby N. I hold him in my arms and he looks up at me and smiles the biggest smile. My heart is overflowing with joy. Joy that only comes from the Lord. Thankful that He allowed my family down this road to pour into these lives, but in the end changes and molds my own heart. I have realized that foster care is so much more than caring for and attaching to this sweet baby. Foster care is about mending families, praying for the cycle to change and being willing to get our own hands dirty and our own hearts breaking.
I wish I could go into detail about how the courts work in this case and how ridiculous it all is, but unfortunately I can't. The courts are so broken, as is the system and it doesn't always go as it should.
I'll be honest I'm not sure the court system is going to do as I am hoping it does in this case, which is reunification. Court this past week didn't go as I was thinking was best, but the Lord is the only one who knows whats best. The judge ruled 3 more months with sweet baby N, but amazingly the Lord showed up by doing something that has never been done in DSS. The judge allowed Rob and I to be the ones to supervise the visits and actually made us a third party in the case, which means we get a say in court. The DSS worker doesn't have to be there so now we can choose where visits are. I can bring her into my home and we are required 6 hours a week to spend time together. 3 months to continue this relationship and speak truth in her life and not lies. I don't know what this year will look like, but I know even if its filled with broken hearts and trials there will be joy because the Lord has proven that He will show up in the most amazing ways.
So as sweet baby boy turns 2 months this week I will not take for granted every smile he gives me over the next 90 days.
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