I'm not sure where to begin. I feel like this past year has been full. Thats the only word I can think of when I think of the year. FULL. We started our home study process last February. We actually began the process to be adopting through foster care. We took our classes and did our paperwork. A couple months past and many prayers later we felt led to switch to temporary foster parents. We felt like the need in the city was for foster parents. They are in dire need. Don't get me wrong I always have said all the same things as most people. I can't do it....
"I would love them too much to let them go."
"It would be too heartbreaking"
"I would get too attached"
"It would be too hard on my kids"
"I'm already busy with three young kids"
and every other statement normally made, but as I've learned and my grandpa always told me never say never.. We were left with the answers of.. If not us then who? The Lord has called us to care for orphans, and these children are the orphans of america. So there we were finalizing in adoption and now pushing paperwork to foster parents.. I had my fears but I felt so confident that this is what the Lord had called us to do. I bought a bunch of picture/kids books on foster care and started to talk with the kids about it. We knew that as soon as we were approved we would be getting kiddos. On we went with the many many many checklists they had for us.
Health Inspector - Check
Fire Inspector - Check
Home interview - check
paperwork filled out - check
It was now December, 10 months since we began, and we were waiting for a call from our worker letting us know that our paperwork was finalized. Wait Wait Wait thats the name of the game. So we waited, we prayed, we planned. I bought a triple bunk for all three of my kids so that we had a room for foster kids and a guest room. Yes you heard me a triple bunk. They love it! And look how cute!
Izzie was very excited to move to a big kid bed and I was happy I didn't have to worry about her falling out. We waited some more. On black friday I stocked up on baby supplies that I didn't have, such as bottles, another carseat and a double stroller. I started praying like crazy that we would get approved by Christmas. I knew that they took a break for Christmas so I was hoping it would be done by then. You know The Lord can be humorous at times. In the last hour on the day before christmas eve we got a call that we were finalized! Yay!! It was a huge answer to prayer. So we held on tight for a call for kiddos to be placed. In my mind, since working at the children's home, I was preparing for toddlers. Thinking we would be getting two 3 years olds or something.
We had a great Christmas with Robs parents, but Rob and I knew a call would be coming soon. Then four days after Christmas I got a call from placement asking if we would take a newborn African American girl. She didn't have much info. I talked with Rob and of course he said yes! I called her right back and said yes we would for sure take her. She was surprised we called back so fast. It was about 3pm. She said they weren't sure on her release from the hospital but would keep us informed. So a madhouse started in my house. I was thinking of when I had each of my babies, I wanted my house to be clean and germ free. Rob, myself, and robs parents strapped on our work boots and started working. Rob and I got all the baby stuff down from the attic and Jon and Ann started cleaning. My room was turned into a bedroom/nursery in about an hour. I got a call from a social worker stating she would be at our house in an hour. We waiting anxiously. I told my kids that we would be getting a baby at the house that just came out of her mamas belly so we needed to be very careful and keep our germs away. Excited was an understatement from them.
At 7:30 she pulled up in front of the house. I walked out to help her and in the carseat was this amazingly small precious little baby girl. She was beautiful. We brought her in along with the formula and things she brought from the hospital. Social Worker informed me that mom was very good when she was pregnant and took good care of her in the womb. No drugs. No drinking. So thankful. She is healthy. After getting our guardianship paperwork filled out she left. I had this 8 pound baby on my chest with such newness of life, it brought me to tears. My kids couldn't wait to get their hands on her. Before heading to bed they each had a turn holding her. The sweetness was just too much.
Kids headed to bed and I fed baby Joy (not her real name). I just love feeding babies. Something about watching a baby eat and snuggling it in your lap. mmmm. Joy was an angel baby from day one. It was the next day late afternoon when she made a grunting sound. Jake gasps, "mom, She makes noise!!". Needless to say she is a quiet baby. The first week was full of people visiting ooo'ing and ahhhing over her. Just as every baby should be in these first precious days. I was overwhelmed by Gods hand in it all. We were adjusting well as a family of four especially since she was such an easy baby.
I made her well baby appointment for that week. I had the same excited emotions as with my own children when she had gained great weight and was given the 'she's healthy!" from the doctor. Since it was the holiday I hadn't heard from any workers so I had no idea what was going on in her case other than what the worker said that dropped her off, which was it wasn't looking good for mom and that she would probably be here awhile. We just knew for her sake we would be loving her as our own until told otherwise.
Many people ask what we tell our children. I told them some mommy's aren't sure how to take care of their kids. Being a mommy is a hard job and so some moms need time and help in to how to take care of them. While they are learning that we take care of their babies, but sometimes mom's aren't ever ready and in that case we could keep them forever. Allie seemed to understand that.
From the day she entered our home Rob and I prayed for her. First we prayed that she would always feel the love of God and that she is so beautiful to Him. Second that she would grow up with a family that loved her well. And lastly that things would move quickly for her since she has no trauma in her life yet. If she is staying with us permanently than it would move quick, but if she is moving with another permanent family that it would be decided quick so she would not be traumatized to leave.
From the first week I started a journal for her. I wanted it to be a journal of prayers, blessings, and where she started. I am hoping to continue this for other foster children as they look back in life trying to fit the pieces that they can know without a doubt that while in this home they were prayed like crazy over and loved so very much. I asked others to write blessings over her to paste in her book. I hope and pray her family keeps it for her to see where she began.
Three weeks in and we finally were scheduled for a visit with mom. It was happening on a thursday. Monday prior I got a call from social worker stating "We had a relative step forward. We are expediting the home study since we have court tomorrow. Baby joy could be leaving after court tomorrow at 11." I hung up the phone and my heart sunk. It felt like things were moving so fast, too fast to make sure all the boxes are checked and that she will be safe. I know we had prayed that things would move quickly but I was questioning at that point. All night and the next morning I was stressed and praying. Well 11:30 came around social worker called, "sorry we got the court date wrong it isn't until the 27th of this month so nothing will happen for two more weeks". Wow seriously emotional trauma in my world. Ok Lord I hear ya, you can move quickly if thats whats best.
Thursday comes. Day to visit mom. This is a first for me. A first to visit a babies mom that I have been caring for since she left the hospital. A mom that I have prayed desperately over. I didn't know what to expect. I did something I probably shouldn't have which was put myself in her shoes. I was thinking how emotional I was after every baby I birthed and how I would feel if I hadn't seen my baby since she was born. A crying, emotional wreck. Thats what I prepared for. I walked into the social services office with baby in toe. Note to self. Don't go to the social services office if you want a feel good day. That place is one step away from being condemned. When you walk in the lobby the chairs are ripped to shreds, it smells funky and there is a police man in front of the door to go back to the offices. Once escorted back the hallways are from a scary movie. Carpet is warn and there was a closet with no doors filled to the ceiling with carseats that looked disgusting. I hurried along with the worker as she led me to a visitation room. I stood there waiting for mom to come. Emotions running high. She walks in says hello. I introduce myself hand her baby Joy. She looks at her and says "wow you look just like your brother, and just like us." She walks past me with her grandma and sits in the seat. I walk out and leave baby joy. The meeting is for an hour so I make my way with Izzie to the coffee shop. We sit there processing what just happened. No tears. No emotions. Just like if a friend came over to meet her excitement. As I talk to another friend who is a foster mom and had two foster babies last year she gives her wisdom that I think is so true. We can not put ourselves in their shoes. We don't come from their life/culture. Foster care is a way of life for most of them. Most of them either have another child in foster care, a friend with a kid in foster care or they were in foster care. Its just life. As I soaked that in it made me so sad. Sad for them sad for the children. Sad for broken families. Not a day went by that I didn't want to contact mom and let her know that her baby was being loved and cared for so much. But come to find out it didn't seem like she was so worried about it, maybe assumed she was. I went back an hour later and Joy was in her carseat waiting for me. Mom looked at me and asked my name again. She said "Thanks Ms Lindsey for everything." Grandma turns to me "Yes thank you so much." I walked out thankful that we could look at each other and not judge one another just have the same desire and that is to love on this new baby girl.
So here I am Friday the 24th. 3 days until court. Mixed emotions. Worker called and said they are 98% sure that she is going to relative after court on monday and to have her things ready. If this is what is right I am so happy for baby Joy that she is going to her permanent home so quickly. I feel beyond blessed that I have been her temporary mom from the day she left the hospital. Obviously my heart hurts, but it has caused me to pray more than I have ever prayed before. To depend on the Lord more than I have ever had and to know that He is bigger and stronger than I could ever imagine. So we soak this angel in. Soak in her sweet breath on my chest. Soak in her new baby gaze. To have confidence that the Lord grants peace in hard times. As she gazes into my eyes, the only ones she has known as mom, and follows my voice when I talk I know that God heals broken hearts. I am thankful beyond anything that she has been our first foster baby. The newness of her for me was Gods promise that He brings new life, new promises, new joys to our lives every day. He grants blessing in hurt and growth in trials. I am thankful for this journey and excited to see where the Lord takes my family. 
Now I pray as she leaves our family that she goes from here always knowing the love of Christ and that He surrounds her with His safety and protection.
72 hours left. I can already feel my heart hurt.
3 days.
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