Community

Community. I think we all long for it and seek after it in one way or another. Every time I move I long for my new community. A community that understands me for me and loves me in spite of it sometimes. One that I know I can count on in joys and sorrows. One that loves my family. One that will drop anything if I need them. One that can do life in all its messiness together. It sometimes takes a long time to find it, but the Lord always provides it for me. Every move I have found the most amazing community to surround myself with. Wichita, Belgium and now Charleston there are people that love me deeply and I love deeply and I am grateful. I'm grateful because today was a day that I really needed them. A day that I just couldn't do it on my own. 

So today was court day. The day I was dreading. The day I would hand baby Joy over to people that I don't know, relatives of hers that she has never seen, but are ones that are now the ones to care for her. I was anxious because I have never sat in a court room listening to people that are talking about a girl that I have loved like my daughter and deciding her life. We prayed for this day. That we would be surrounded by people that would pray over her and we would have joy in the day. So I invited two of my girlfriends over so our kids could play and we could "chat". I say "chat" because us moms know what that looks like. Its a little chaotic chatting. Between us we have 8 kids 6 and under. Running round, jumping on trampoline, dressing up, feeding lunch. But I love it. I love the crazy life of moms that we all can just sit and enjoy a salad in midst of chaos and just find joy in the fact it isn't just me. It isn't just my life that is chaotic and crazy, its just motherhood and its ok. I love to hear the kids laughing and playing. I love their little friendships. My friends came over to snuggle baby Joy and pray over her before she left and I was thankful. As you can imagine I was a little high stressed and emotional over court at 3:30. Fear of unknown. I was thankful to have friends to talk with and ones to speak truth to me. 

12:00-chaos begins.... Rob calls says, sorry because of this cold weather coming in the base is freaking out. I now have meetings at 3 and 4. Any chance you can find someone to watch kids while you are at court? - wow okay so now I need a friend to come to my house to watch my kids while they nap at the same time that most peoples kids are coming home from school. So I start scrambling. 

1:20 - Some kids were in front riding bikes with a mom out there. Kiddo comes in saying allie fell off her skateboard and needs me. I head outside to find Allie on the ground crying saying her arm hurts. I finally get her inside to the couch and is panicking. I immediately call a friend that is a pediatrician down the road and ask her to come by. She has two sick kids at home, but runs down anyways. After looking at it she says. Yup I'm guessing its broken. I call rob telling him so he immediately tells his boss he needs to go. "I'll be there in 20 min." 

Allie is panicking about having to go to the hospital and crying in pain and now I am realizing that I have yet to pack up baby Joy and have 1.5 hours till I have to go. I look around and one pregnant friend is cleaning my kitchen, one doing dishes and then feeding baby Joy all with a baby of her own on her back. Kids are picking up toys outside. Overwhelmed yet so thankful for community. 

2:00 - My neighbor friend says she will be at my house to watch kids for me. Rob shows up and brings Allie to hospital. This is a first broken bone for my kids and I am so sad I can't be there for Allie. So thankful Rob is in town. 

My phone is getting texts about every 5 minutes with friends/family all over saying they are praying for me and baby joy today. 

You can imagine my emotions at this point. Tears can't be held back. 

My friends head home and I put my two littles to nap. 

I take baby Joy to the bath. She loves the bath and I love to watch her love it. I lotion her beautiful skin and pray over ever ounce of her. Put her in this adorable outfit I just got her and put this beautiful headband on her made by one of those friends from my community here that I know has prayed fervently for her. 

I snuggle her close, breathe her in, cry tears over her. 

At this point I am so sad because Allie didn't get to say goodbye to her. In midst of chaos she wasn't able to. The only thing she has asked me through this whole thing was that she could say goodbye before she goes. I'm heartbroken. I called my friend and asked her to come a little early so I can run to the hospital to see Allie and let her say goodbye. She comes right over. 

2:40 - I head to the hospital and run in to see Allie. The little trooper was getting it wrapped and had the sweetest smile on. Rob pulled baby Joy out Allie gave her kisses said she loved her and goodbye. I rushed back to the car. 

3:30 I arrive at the courthouse. Put baby joy in my Moby because I just want to squeeze her for just a couple more minutes. I go through two metal detectors and everyone Oooo's and Ahhh's over how beautiful my baby is. I agree :) I walk up the staircase and there is the group of them. Birth mom, grandma, aunt, and Cousin (who is the relative baby will go to). They all fawn over baby joy. I smile and tell them how wonderful she is and how much we love her. I am greeted by social worker. Birth mom asks to hold her. And from then on baby is passed to every family member. We get called in to court where I listen to the rights of mom and of relative. That they agree to follow the guidelines that the court has laid out for them. I listen to them give rights to cousin and say that they will check back in 6 months to decide if mom is ready for her child. We walk out of the room. I give the cousin a bottle to feed baby joy. While she is sitting and feeding her I ask if I can say goodbye. I lean in and smother her sweet cheeks with kisses. That beautiful baby girl looked up at me with her big brown eyes and gives me the biggest SMILE. Everyone around was so shocked. I looked at her and thanked God. I knew it was Him letting me know that everything is going to be ok. He is there. He is with her always. I can trust in that. I walk down the stairs and walk past the metal detectors. The guard hollers out "Wheres that beautiful baby of yours???" I look back. "I no longer have her". My heart hurts and longs for her in my Moby. I get to my car and shed big tears. I cry for her. I cry for me. I cry for my family. I cry for all broken families, children without families, kids that don't feel loved by anyone. I cry for the kids that will be the next to fill our beds because that means that in this moment they are in trauma. That hurts my heart. The whole drive home tears fall down my face. I arrive home and two blonde kiddos come running to my car. "MOMMY!" They jump up and give me the biggest hugs. I look at them and can't help but feel joy. 

So now I sit and process. Process this day that is so hard to emotionally/mentally process. Did it hurt? Yes. Was I horribly sad? Yes. Would i do this again? Yes. If I don't who will. So I spend this time grieving baby joy, but knowing that my God is bigger and can accomplish His Will in all circumstances. He is not a God of fear but of power so I will rest on that. 

I look back on today and all I can think of is this amazing community that surrounds me. Neighbors, friends and family that love so well and so deeply. People that have entered this journey with us with an open and willing heart. Community that hurts with me, cries with me, helps willingly in the mess, and laughs in the chaos with me. Thank you for being my community I can't thank you enough. This journey wouldn't be the same without you and I only hope I am there for you like you are for me. 

Hebrews 10:23-25

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."